My session day this week was changed from Monday to Thursday due to life things. But I had arranged for a phone check in on Monday morning.
I’d like to tell you about it, but I have no memory of what we talked about!
But I can tell that you between Monday and Thursday, I struggled hugely. I did have the option of daily check-ins again, but I didn’t take them. I guess I just felt like I had nothing much to say and also that I don’t want to over use them if I can manage on my own.
And even though I struggled a bit, I knew I was holding it on my own, there wasn’t a need to connect with Sienna.
My physical health has been awful. I am experiencing a lot of widespread body pain and stiffness. My sleep is disrupted- not that that’s new! My nightmares continue to be awful and scary and just relentless, I have so many dreams all in one sleep. I just feel kicked in, I feel truly beat up and pummelled, both physically and mentally.
And on top of that, I have held within me this internal crying, every day. It stays in the centre of my tummy and seeps into my solar plexus area sometimes. It feels separate from me.
It’s low level awdul, but it really wears me down and makes me sad.
I’ve also experienced the return of detached black empty pain. I’ve written about it many times before but I haven’t felt it for quite a long time, I don’t think.
It isn’t there all the time, it’s more of a sharp acute attack and then it fades. When it happens, I feel frozen in time, I feel tremendous emotional pain opening up in my chest, like a black cavernous abyss of nothingness. There’s no thoughts or needs attached, it’s just a state of being. It temporarily freezes me, and there’s emotional agony which is very still, lifeless and unshaped. Being around people makes me feel sick in my chest, it exacerbates the “black attack” to look at people, be in the same room as them or talk to them – my God! Talking to people whilst this attack is happening is utter agony, I feel a crying feeling in my throat and upper chest. The only thing that helps this is to retreat. To stay still and wait for it to pass. And it does pass, it only lasts a few minutes. But it’s been happening with greater frequency, like, several times a day sometimes.
I wish I knew what to do about it. I wish I knew what caused it and what the physiological processes were. It’s truly an abyss of agony.
I think I’ve always thought that it’s to do with attachment and my lack of secure attachment as a baby and so was a flashback of sorts. And maybe it is. But this frozen blackness isn’t wanting to find connection, it isn’t looking for people, it doesn’t have need, it isn’t a longing for “mummy”. In fact, people and connection intensify the pain. The only thing that helps is to be alone, to withdraw inside me self, stay still, frozen, not talking, no eye contact, perfect stillness…. And let it pass.
I was glad when I finally got to session day. Had I not had that session, I know for a fact that I was going to have to ask for check ins. I could no longer hold this level of pain by myself.
I got as far as telling Sienna how awful the week had been. That I’d struggled. She asked if I’d forgotten about the check ins? I told her I hadn’t forgotten, that I’d just felt like I didn’t have much to say, and also that I should try holding it for myself.
She said it was okay to just call to say hello. And that maybe a quick 2 mins would be enough.
I didn’t say anything, but I did think that somehow, that feels worse.
Even though I have nothing to say, nothing that hasn’t already been said, no need that I can identify… somehow, a quick hello and goodbye feels awful. I makes me feel sad and as if my need (that I don’t even recognise as having!) hasn’t been met. It feels hollow and uncaring almost.
It’s like I’ve not said something really important and that she hasn’t seen me and hadn’t attended to my needs. Yet, I literally am not aware of having any need in the moment. And Sienna definitely has tried to make herself to meet my needs, if she knows what they are.
Poor Sienna, she can’t win can she?
I’m so sick of myself, guys. I am so over being attacked by myself.
In session Sienna suggested that perhaps all my body pain is part of the trauma response to the abuse stuff that’s been coming up lately. She’s probably right.
You know, before the session, at home, I felt so weary, so battered by my brain and my body that I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it.
I REALLY needed to go to my session but I felt so unwell, that as I lay in bed I had no idea how I could make it there. And I was panicking a bit because I needed a cuddle so badly. I needed to be with Sienna. I needed comfort and nurturance.
But after I forced myself into a bath, and as I sat in front of the mirror as I put my make-up on, I switched. I felt it. I jut clicked into something else… someone else…. And suddenly I didn’t feel ill, I had some strength. I felt okay and the days of feeling attacked by my own body and mind just melted away into the background.
So that part, whoever the hell she was, took my session.
What I needed was to crawl in there, get mummy cuddles and have a cry. What happened was this adult part, sat there chatting random shit to Sienna and not really connecting to the memory of how shit things had been all week.
I felt sick in session and very tired. My tummy became a bit upset and gurgled and made me feel nauseous. I felt sad and piteous, but I couldn’t ask for what I needed. I am not sure I even felt the need properly in session.
As a result, the session felt a bit pointless. What happened? Why did that numbed part move in? Why did it prevent me from getting what I truly needed? Why didn’t the parts who really needed to be there not show up? Well…. They were there in the background with all their need, but they weren’t close enough for me to let them through to front.
As a result I couldn’t remember exactly why the week had been so bad and so I didn’t tell Sienna about it.
I wonder if that part moved in whilst I was getting ready in order to get me to therapy. But somehow I got stuck in that part and the young needy parts couldn’t get through.
Arghhhhhh. This is so shitty.
I am SO glad next week is a two session week. I really need it. I really really need it.