Posted in blog, blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, lifestyle, mental health, mental health awareness, therapist, therapy, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

The Abyss Inside.

Banner Girl in therapy (1)

My session day this week was changed from Monday to Thursday due to life things. But I had arranged for a phone check in on Monday morning.

I’d like to tell you about it, but I have no memory of what we talked about!

But I can tell that you between Monday and Thursday, I struggled hugely. I did have the option of daily check-ins again, but I didn’t take them. I guess I just felt like I had nothing much to say and also that I don’t want to over use them if I can manage on my own.

And even though I struggled a bit, I knew I was holding it on my own, there wasn’t a need to connect with Sienna.

My physical health has been awful. I am experiencing a lot of widespread body pain and stiffness. My sleep is disrupted- not that that’s new! My nightmares continue to be awful and scary and just relentless, I have so many dreams all in one sleep. I just feel kicked in, I feel truly beat up and pummelled, both physically and mentally.

And on top of that, I have held within me this internal crying, every day. It stays in the centre of my tummy and seeps into my solar plexus area sometimes. It feels separate from me.

It’s low level awdul, but it really wears me down and makes me sad.

I’ve also experienced the return of detached black empty pain. I’ve written about it many times before but I haven’t felt it for quite a long time, I don’t think.

It isn’t there all the time, it’s more of a sharp acute attack and then it fades. When it happens, I feel frozen in time, I feel tremendous emotional pain opening up in my chest, like a black cavernous abyss of nothingness. There’s no thoughts or needs attached, it’s just a state of being. It temporarily freezes me, and there’s emotional agony which is very still, lifeless and unshaped. Being around people makes me feel sick in my chest, it exacerbates the “black attack” to look at people, be in the same room as them or talk to them – my God! Talking to people whilst this attack is happening is utter agony, I feel a crying feeling in my throat and upper chest. The only thing that helps this is to retreat. To stay still and wait for it to pass. And it does pass, it only lasts a few minutes. But it’s been happening with greater frequency, like, several times a day sometimes.

I wish I knew what to do about it. I wish I knew what caused it and what the physiological processes were. It’s truly an abyss of agony.

I think I’ve always thought that it’s to do with attachment and my lack of secure attachment as a baby and so was a flashback of sorts. And maybe it is. But this frozen blackness isn’t wanting to find connection, it isn’t looking for people, it doesn’t have need, it isn’t a longing for “mummy”. In fact, people and connection intensify the pain. The only thing that helps is to be alone, to withdraw inside me self, stay still, frozen, not talking, no eye contact, perfect stillness…. And let it pass.

I was glad when I finally got to session day. Had I not had that session, I know for a fact that I was going to have to ask for check ins. I could no longer hold this level of pain by myself.

I got as far as telling Sienna how awful the week had been. That I’d struggled. She asked if I’d forgotten about the check ins? I told her I hadn’t forgotten, that I’d just felt like I didn’t have much to say, and also that I should try holding it for myself.

She said it was okay to just call to say hello. And that maybe a quick 2 mins would be enough.

I didn’t say anything, but I did think that somehow, that feels worse.

Even though I have nothing to say, nothing that hasn’t already been said, no need that I can identify… somehow, a quick hello and goodbye feels awful. I makes me feel sad and as if my need (that I don’t even recognise as having!) hasn’t been met. It feels hollow and uncaring almost.

It’s like I’ve not said something really important and that she hasn’t seen me and hadn’t attended to my needs. Yet, I literally am not aware of having any need in the moment. And Sienna definitely has tried to make herself to meet my needs, if she knows what they are.

Poor Sienna, she can’t win can she?

I’m so sick of myself, guys. I am so over being attacked by myself.

In session Sienna suggested that perhaps all my body pain is part of the trauma response to the abuse stuff that’s been coming up lately. She’s probably right.

You know, before the session, at home, I felt so weary, so battered by my brain and my body that I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it.

I REALLY needed to go to my session but I felt so unwell, that as I lay in bed I had no idea how I could make it there. And I was panicking a bit because I needed a cuddle so badly. I needed to be with Sienna. I needed comfort and nurturance.

But after I forced myself into a bath, and as I sat in front of the mirror as I put my make-up on, I switched. I felt it. I jut clicked into something else… someone else…. And suddenly I didn’t feel ill, I had some strength. I felt okay and the days of feeling attacked by my own body and mind just melted away into the background.

So that part, whoever the hell she was, took my session.

What I needed was to crawl in there, get mummy cuddles and have a cry. What happened was this adult part, sat there chatting random shit to Sienna and not really connecting to the memory of how shit things had been all week.

I felt sick in session and very tired. My tummy became a bit upset and gurgled and made me feel nauseous. I felt sad and piteous, but I couldn’t ask for what I needed. I am not sure I even felt the need properly in session.

As a result, the session felt a bit pointless. What happened? Why did that numbed part move in? Why did it prevent me from getting what I truly needed? Why didn’t the parts who really needed to be there not show up? Well…. They were there in the background with all their need, but they weren’t close enough for me to let them through to front.

As a result I couldn’t remember exactly why the week had been so bad and so I didn’t tell Sienna about it.

I wonder if that part moved in whilst I was getting ready in order to get me to therapy. But somehow I got stuck in that part and the young needy parts couldn’t get through.

Arghhhhhh. This is so shitty.

I am SO glad next week is a two session week. I really need it. I really really need it.

 

 

 

 

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Posted in dissociation, Girl blogger, mental health, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized

Trauma Release – the body knows.

 

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My dreams have finally settled down. And I am starting to get bigger blocks of sleep. In fact, on Thursday and Friday I got 9 hours in a row! That is virtually unheard of for me.

I have come to realise that when new memories are released or my readiness to face it comes along or maybe a part who holds the memories surfaces, my nightmares on the subject of abuse increase significantly – or at least, they become more intense. This has happened before. It seems to happen maybe once a year… I’m not entirely sure.

And when it gets that intense  I am somehow able to talk to Sienna about it and what I know, what I suspect, what I feel is true. Perhaps because in those moments it all feels terribly real and I feel totally blown open by it and utterly vulnerable that there’s nothing left to do, nothing left to fight with, nothing left to do but talk about it, voice it, cry about it, face it.

And it seems that perhaps I can only go to that place once every year.

Along with the nightmares, my anxiety heightened and I developed a new symptom. I became fixated on spiders. I already have a pretty severe phobia of them anyway. But I started thinking I was seeing one everywhere. My heart jumped several times an hour as I thought I’d caught sight of one on the wall, on the floor, on my bed- IN my bed… I felt them on my skin in my hair and I’d keep freaking out and flicking off things that weren’t there!

It was like an OCD thing or something. My dreams also included spiders, lots of them.

It’s settled down quite a lot now but it was horrible.

I’ve been very dissociated all week, if not longer. Even as I write, I feel so disorientated and un-tethered. Time just moves in the strangest of ways and I have no idea how much time has passed, I have no concept of when things happened, no straight-line narrative, there’s no order for me.

My memory is awful. I can’t remember things I’ve said, things I’ve done. Everything feels floaty and fluid and confused.

And perhaps not surprisingly, my whole body is in agony. I do wonder if my body is responding to releasing the trauma memories because I am not normally in this amount of pain. My muscles burn, my head hurts, my neck is stiff, my joints feel hurt, bruised almost. My throat has burned intermittently, nausea has come and gone as it pleases.

This is all Fibromyalgia pain. But my body is just overwhelmed with it this week. It really feels like my body has exploded. I generally feel extremely fatigued but usually my pain levels are minimal and are sorted with some ibuprofen or paracetamol. So having this level of pain is something else.

I feel like I’ve been through something recently traumatic, like a car crash or something.

The abuse nightmares aren’t new. I generally have them several times a week. But I either feel numb towards them or I forget them minutes after waking.

So, I am not sure why everything got so intense this past couple of weeks.

A teen part showed up to therapy on Thursday. Sienna clicked straight away that it was someone else in therapy. She wondered if that part had turned up because someone else didn’t want to talk about what happened on Monday (our conversation about abuse memories and the letter.)

I think she was probably right.

I feel like my whole body has released massive trauma. And that sounds like it would feel good, but it doesn’t, it feels catastrophic, like I’ve gone head first through a windscreen. I am sure trauma release is a very good thing, it’s one less thing to store in my body. So, I am glad of it, but it’s really hard on me. I am utterly fatigued and just in pain and dissociated to the point that times just barely exists.

Has anyone else experienced similar feelings when they’ve released trauma from their body?

I feel surprised by the level of pain I am experiencing. I feel surprised by just how much my body has been holding. I am no stranger to the concept of trauma – I talk about it all the time. I understand trauma, yet I suppose I am used to talking about it as a theory, and as an emotionally felt experience but I’ve not really felt the violence of trauma. The destructive assault and impact it has on the body. I mean, I knew that it must be there, I have known that Fibromyalgia is often a symptom/byproduct of trauma.

But I’ve never really felt the trauma I’ve held within my body as a physical event, an assault. It’s always felt like a feeling, an emotion, a “something” that’s huge and terrible and impacting but also invisible to the eye and evasive to touch.

Yet this trauma release, is physical, it feels real and touchable, like a real event and it bloody hurts! I’m not sure why I should be so surprised, yet I am.