Posted in blog, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, mental health, mental health awareness, therapist, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

Husk

Last night’s session just… ugh.

I dragged myself there. Was already dissociated and agitated before I even got in there – but you know, cos of trauma shit, I looked calm as a cucumber (yes, I know I’m mixing up my metaphors.)

The session was a bit strange. Probably because of how I was feeling, but it just felt a bit flat. We spoke about a lot of semi-important things, like what happened the day before, when I had a reaction to being a supportive “other”, for someone and how it depleted me later that night.

Sienna even came over to hold me, even though I wasn’t crying, I was just a bit spaced out.

And even that didn’t make me feel more present or connected, though it was nice of course.

I showed her my illustrations of the huffy puffy crocodile and she LOVED them.

As the session progressed, it just felt like we weren’t really getting to what I needed. We talked about worthwhile things, yet nothing felt like there was any depth to it. To be honest, it felt a bit like maybe Sienna was tired. She wasn’t like totally on the ball, in terms of asking leading questions or anything, she just listened and responded to what was there but not expanding on it.

That isn’t a criticism and I’m not angry about it, it’s just an observation. I just felt her energy wasn’t as revved up.

The nights are getting really dark again, it’s dreary and the leaves are falling off the trees now and everything outside felt so quiet, muted, and so it felt like our energy levels matched that.

Towards the end of the session, I became more agitated and more dissociated. I think the problem was that I needed something but I didn’t know what I needed at all, only that I wasn’t getting it!

And because there was no alters specifically out, I felt like a dissociated husk. Empty of personality. As if it was just my body there, and no one inside wanted to take control. No one wanted to come out. Yet, they were ALL creating chaos inside. They were throwing out garbled memories, dreams, and flashbacks of dreams and flashbacks of real memories and it was all getting mixed up about what was reality and what wasn’t. I couldn’t keep a grip of it being 2018. It was a whirlwind of somatic overload. I felt all the chaos in my body, and my brain was busy with dreams and flashbacks and images but no one inside would come forward and just be there. So it was all locked inside of me.

And as awful as it felt, I sat there fairly calm. Sienna knew I’d dissociated big. And I pushed through to tell her what I was experiencing. But I sat very still as it was all happening.

I left the session slightly more grounded, but not much. It took me another 30 minutes before I “woke up” out of it.

I hate sessions like that.

 

PSX_20181005_110940-03.jpeg

Advertisements
Posted in art therapy, blogging, Girl blogger, mental health, mental health awareness, therapy, trauma, Wellbeing

Draw it out.

Yesterday, for various reasons, i ended up being a listening ear for a couple of people. At the time, it felt absolutely fine and i wanted to be supportive. But by night time, i felt totally burnt out and the impact of what I’d heard hit me like a ton of bricks!

I think it was probably impacted by the fatigue i was feeling anyway. I just couldn’t hold all their ” stuff” too.

I went to bed but slept fitfully. I woke up during the night. And today when i woke up i just feel like I’ve been run over. I am in a huffy mood and just want to withdraw.

I have therapy tonight and i don’t want to go. I don’t want to connect.

I said to my friend ” I’m a huffy crocodile today. ”

My friend suggested i draw it out- a bit of art therapy to try and move my mood on a bit.

I can’t say it’s helped to he honest. But it’s kept me busy at least.