Posted in Uncategorized

Christmas therapy woes

It’s Monday. Therapy day. I’ve already tried to cancel. But Sienna can’t see me on Saturday. So if I don’t go tonight then there’s no therapy this week and I can’t tell if that’s a blessing or not.

Here’s the issues:

I feel a bit unwell. I had a stomach bug Thursday Friday and Saturday. So I am a bit up and down with my energy levels and my tummy issues.

I can’t decide if my current tummy issues are still the end of the bug ( which seemed totally gone from Saturday afternoon) or my usual upset tummy I get lately on Monday – let’s call it ” Therapy Tummy” 😁

I am emotionally EXHAUSTED. My body is still reeling from last week’s bodywork and trauma release.

I can feel how ready for this Christmas break I am. As much as I don’t like the disruption, I think I need some down time.

The trouble is, to get downtime, I also have to wrestle with the attachment/separation anxiety. Not that I have much choice- Sienna is taking the break whether I like it or not.

I need the break from therapy but not from Sienna. Can we not just have a day out somewhere together??? *Pouts*

Back to today… I am breaking under the strain of emotions this 2 week holiday is inducing.

The separation anxiety is there, yes. But it’s made so much worse by the rage and jealousy I feel over her daughters, who get as much as their mum as they want.

And big feelings drain me.

Rage and Jealousy and pettiness are not nice qualities to admit to. I understand that they’re just emotions and pretty young ones at that.

I guess it’s facing up to your own shadow side- that we are capable of not being very nice sometimes, or at least of thinking or feeling not so pleasant things.

And admitting my level of need, well you’d think I’d be more comfortable with that by now, but nope.

Though, it’s not particularly need that’s fuelling me just now. It’s horrible yucky plain old jealousy and inadequacy.

I really need to hear that our relationship is deep and meaningful and it matters to her.

I really need to feel her love for me.

I really need to feel our relationship as a real thing. ………………..

I really need to feel that I’m not less than her daughters… There, I said it.

I suppose the pain is knowing that she wants to be their mum. She doesn’t want to be mine.

She wants to be with them at Christmas, she doesn’t want to be with me.

They’re successful, I’m a fucking mess.

They’re a few years younger than me but still within the same decade, with the exception of one who is like 11 years younger.

And I wonder if I just look pathetic and pitiful compared to them?

Sienna’s already said that they’ve not had the upbringing I have and they don’t know the half of it ( ie how shitty a start some people have) She’s told me they’re far from perfect. She’s told me all families argue and have their issues. She’s told me that I probably have an idealised idea of what the perfect mother looks like – inferring that she is very much not a perfect mother who spends all her time cuddling her children and baking cookies and having heartfelt chats over cocoa. It’s far more normal and less emotionally intense than I’d imagine.

Because the truth is, her kids got all the intensity and heartfelt love and reassuring they needed in childhood – u know… When you’re supposed to get it. And now they have an adult relationship with her, which is probably more friendship based and “lighter” than the intense motherly attention I constantly need.

But still, the bottom line is, she’ll be with them not me.

And the pain this is all inducing in me is draining.

And I’m caught between wanting to runaway, close myself and my feelings down, close Sienna out -probably partly as punishment ( that she wouldn’t even feel or care about anyway)

And staying close, getting as much of her as I can before she leaves to be with the people she loves best.

Fuck this therapy shit.

Advertisements
Posted in blog, blogging, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, mental health, mental health awareness, therapist fail, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

Mystery Teen goes to therapy.

 

Mystery Teen Goes to Therapy

Last weekend I waited 3 days for a reply from Sienna to my text in which I told her I needed her. A reply never came.

I feel so sad about that. Even now.

I held the anger, and hurt really well all weekend. There was no kick back for her not replying.

I assumed she didn’t get my text. It was the only thing that made sense. She wouldn’t leave me all weekend in distress, would she?

Yes. She would apparently.

The first thing she asked when I sat down was who’d been around over the weekend? I was surprised, I asked what she meant?

And she said she thought my text on Friday was from one of the young ones.

So, had got it. I was stunned.

I shrugged and said “ The teens”.

I was SO fucking hurt. I can’t believe she got my text and just didn’t reply, WTF?

She said that she’d been waiting for them to blog her. – On the Friday I’d asked her about blogging non urgent stuff to her and she’d agreed to it.

I told her “ Well, I hadn’t set it up by then, and the blog is only for non urgent information.”

Sienna apologised and said there had been a mix-up.

But she apologised in a way that was a breezy “ oh sorry about that” and not “ Oh, I am SO sorry for that mixed up, and you really needed to speak with me? How did that feel?”

She didn’t get how sad it had made me.

She asked if I’d written anything in my art journal over the weekend? I nodded.

“ The bad dream I had – the one I text you for.”

Sienna asked “ Can I see it?”

I nodded and handed it to her.

She asked “ Who’s here with me tonight?”

I told her a teen. She asked if the teen had a name. I shook my head, no.

Sienna suggested while she read that I get my dissociative cards out.

I reluctantly agreed.

I sat on the floor so I could spread them out.

I sifted through all the cards and picked out the emotions and experiences that I was feeling. There was a lot I was feeling.

Sienna came and sat on the floor across from me. She sorted out all my cards into groups. She asked which ones were most at the top.

None of them were, as it happens. It was all a cauldron of seething resentment and mistrust LOL

Sienna asked who I was angry at? Her? Everyone? Myself? I nodded and said “ All of the above.”

I didn’t speak much the whole session. I was surly, childish and very much in teen mode.

I told her I hated one of the posters in her room.

Sienna accommodated my teen strop with some mild humour. She sat on the sofa behind me and played with my hair and smoothed it. I sat on the floor with my arms crossed.

Sienna suggested we give this teen a name. I told her to go for it. The first name she suggested was part joke I think and I was like “ eww no! That’s a horrible name.” Sienna laughed.

She suggested another and I shook my head, nope. It didn’t feel right. She thought and then said what about “ ……….” And the name she suggested was one of her daughter’s names!

WHAT.THE.FUCK?????

I immediately shook my head no. Though I was tempted to agree to it just to fuck with her. HA!

Bet she’s relieved I said no to it! But seriously, why the hell would she suggest her own daughter’s name to me? I wonder if she shocked herself? I wonder if she’s thought about why she said that?

I’m really curious to know what made her suggest her kid’s name to me? It’s not even as if it’s a super common name.

Part of me really wants to speak to her about it but mostly I do not want to speak about it because… I don’t know why…. I suppose in case she’s embarrassed that she slipped up maybe.

I wish I’d just said to her at the time “ ugh… that’s your daughter’s name, so that’s a hard NO.”

That would have been more natural than bringing it up now.

But I just let it slide at the time as I was in too much of a huff to speak much.

It took me until 7 minutes before the end of the session to finally ask her

“ Why didn’t you answer my text. I waited for you and you didn’t come. I needed you.” Tears sprung up.

Sienna said softly “ Is that’s what’s bothering you tonight?”

DUH!

I nodded.

She said “ I’m sorry. I got it wrong. You could have let me know you needed a check in and I would have found a time.”

Ah. I hadn’t even thought of that. When there are parts who don’t normally come to therapy or haven’t been around when agreements have been made, then I don’t always remember what’s been said.

I said in a quiet voice “ I didn’t know I could ask for a check in.”

The session was finished. Time was up. On the way out she reassured me “ We’ll see each other Thursday, Ok?”

I nodded.

She gave me a hug. And I left.

It sucked. But she was nice to me and we did connect so as long as there’s a feeling of connection, then a session isn’t a total fail.

But I was very glad we had Thursday, an extra chance to be with her and feel that we are okay.