Do nothing and wait.

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I woke up yesterday morning from the most vivid of nightmares.

It was SO real. I woke up dissociated. Frozen. I spent hours in bed, unable to get myself up.

The dream…. well it was a CSA one again. I don’t think the actual events in the dream are memories. Yet, the dream feels true. The feelings and the experiences in it see, real. Yet….. here I am, still with no concrete memories of anything like that having ever occured.

CSA dreams are awful and I get them at least once or twice a week. I barely even register them anymore. And there’s no one to tell since I can’t reach out for support. So I don’t do anything with those dreams. I don’t speak about them much.

But every now and again, once comes along that floors me. And that one yesterday had me on my ass.

The details of the dream, seem like clues, part of memories perhaps?

The child’s narrative, the way she spoke and what she showed me in those dreams was just horrific. And she described things in her own childish language, not knowing the real words for the things she experienced.

I couldn’t shake that dream off. I just cuddled deeper into my duvet. Lay there feeling sad and alone and horrified and really missing Sienna.

Eventually, I drew a picture on the sketch app on my phone and amazingly that was enough to move me through the frozen state and allowed me to go shower which grounded me even more.

The rest of my day went fine but I did feel longing to have my therapist home. I still do.

4 days. 4 days until I see her again. Part of me feels joy at the thought of seeing her again. A young part of me just wants to reunite with her. Cuddle into her and be reassured that she’s back.

Yet when I imagine being there and seeing her I feel nerves and like I have nothing to say and then I feel anger towards her. I can feel my defenses bristle when I imagine being there. I can imagine not wanting to engage much with her, not wanting to show her I missed her or that it was hard, her being away for 3 weeks.

And I feel scared.

Scared to start therapy again, scared about what might come up, what ruptures we may face. Scared of the work ahead.

I’ve been having this recurring thought lately about finding a new therapist. Of feeling overwhelmed where I am with Sienna.

I don’t feel ready for where I find myself at in therapy with Sienna. I feel like I’ve been pushed into a space I’m just not ready for because of Sienna’s needs.

It doesn’t feel good. I feel like crying even typing this. I find myself flooding right now with feelings of fear, sadness and mistrust.

Fear that if I tell her how i’m feeling or struggling with this space we are in that she’ll make me leave her. That she’ll tell me to find something or someone else.

Fear that saying it, makes it real.

Fear that saying it out loud make it something I have to do something about.

Fear that saying it to her or out loud makes all my worries real and means that my therapy with her will have to come to an end.

Fear that things are really as terrible and as broken as they feel.

Fear that we have to deal with last year’s rupture.

Fear that I’ll be triggered back into a not coping place.

Sadness, sadness that my needs aren’t being met in the way that I want and need.

Sadness that once again I seem to be having to put my needs on hold so that another attachment figures can come first.

Sadness for all that I’ve lost in terms of trust and attachment and security.

Sadness for the deep suspicion and mistrust I have of Sienna now. Sadness for how much we lost through last year’s rupture and the hugely painful months that came before it.

Sometimes I feel like everything is broken beyond repair. And it feels awful. Sometimes it feels like we are coasting along because none of us want to admit it’s all broken.

I wonder if we are both staying on safer grounds because to discuss the rupture and the true costs of it would mean admitting it’s all fucked beyond repair.

And when all those feelings flood me all at once, I push them away, I push the down and away as far as possible so that I can maintain a working relationship with my beloved therapist. Pushing those thoughts and feelings down mean I don’t have to face another ruined relationship. I can’t bare the thought of it. So pushing it all away allows me to keep her.

But of course, being so fragmented, there’s also another side – several sides most likely, that are equally true.

Part of me says nothing is broken, certainly not beyond repair. That Sienna is committed to me and will help us find a way through.

There’s parts of me who trust her deeply. And have confidence in her ability. Parts who find safety with her. Parts who adore her. Other parts can see her as the flawed human who makes mistakes and that that’s okay. That part of my work is learning to tolerate other people’s mistakes and flaws. To not run away or distance myself when the fear of people’s humanity and short-comings threatens to overwhelm me.

And it’s really hard to hold within me opposing realities. Because both feel right and true to me and that makes it hard to know what’s right and what action I should take. It makes it hard for me to know if I need to protect myself or if I am letting my fears get in the way.

So for now, I do nothing. I wait. I will let thing unfold as they must.

 

 

 

 

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Missing the framework.

9 days to go.

Nine days until I see my therapist again.

Do you know what’s surprised me this holiday? I’m not really missing HER, per se. I am not the usual pining yearning puddle of neediness.

I have found that I’ve struggled with just not having the framework of therapy. The psychological aspect of just knowing I don’t have that safety net must be sub-consciously worrying me because my bad dreams increased and my mental health definitely took a dip this week.

I’ve had a lot of observable growth in the past few months so to be honest, I feel quite disappointed by just how much I need my therapy. I can see how quickly I’d descend back into depression and quite significant dissociation without it. That depressed me.

I suppose if I was to look at the positives, they would be that my attachment issues have receded enough to make a 3 week break cope-able with. I’ve had moments of “ ugh”. But not the dragging, time-has-stopped aching for my therapist that I used to get. So that’s something.

This week has been tough. And for the first time in a long time, I actually felt depressed. That low level muted nothingness that depression brings, persistent low mood yuckiness.

I know it’s related to Sienna being away. And it gives me a glimpse into life if I didn’t have therapy. And I HATE that after all this time, I still really need that person, that place, that thing, to keep me on an even keel.

I’ve really missed her presence. I see how little I have in the way of supportive, positive relationships.

I think the problem is that my needs are that I absolutely need a strong presence in my life to guide me and regulate me, I need a parenting type figure still and no normal relationship with other adults can give me that.

Arghhhh it’s too depressing. ☹

I don’t want to need that. But I do need it.

And I’m assuming I won’t need that forever, I really hope not.

I don’t want to live with a deep need for a strong parental presence, I need to heal so that that need no longer exists. Because honestly, this week in particular, I’ve felt bereft and like my life is empty. I felt this empty nothingness open up within me and it just felt so painful and vast.

9 more days…. Sigh.

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Just about coping.

Yesterday was …… shit. Yes, shit is an accurate summation.

Last night I had this weird experience of hearing a baby crying. Like a really young baby. But its cry wasn’t normal, it was a distressed, traumatised cry.

And I was experiencing the baby’s distress as if it were me or I was it… I don’t know… it’s very hard to describe.

I have been playing a game on my phone a lot to distract and calm myself but this baby’s cry just interjected constantly for about 30 minutes or so.

Not sure if it’s a body memory thing or a dissociative part of me or something else.

But it hurt.

I flipped about all day, feeling okay and not okay. And mostly okay but not really okay.

Low level crapness.

Is this really all because my therapist isn’t here? ☹

UGH! Your Email sucked!

14 days to go.

Therapy breaks are the worst.

Actually, I am doing pretty fine on this break. I don’t feel much yearning to be there. I don’t miss Sienna much at all. There’s a sense of things feeling a tiny bit “blah.” But it’s nothing like the agony I used to feel about breaks.

I am able to hold onto the fact the Sienna is still alive and safe (mostly). I still hold space for her within me, I know she’s okay and I’m okay and we are connected still.

I can’t believe I am even saying that, because it’s a skill I never used to have and couldn’t imagine how I’d ever get to this point. I’m still not sure how I did get to this point, there isn’t a step by step manual. I guess it’s just been time and repeated experience of her going away and really coming back. And enough nurturing and repeated positive messages that finally found a place to reside within me.

Before going away, Sienna promised to check in by email a couple of time through the break. She offered. I was surprised by her offer. But I doubted she’d remember.

I’ve got to admit it was in the back of my mind as this small niggling concern that it was just another thing she pledged to do but forgot about, and that it would create a mini meltdown from me about her forgetting.

When Sienna promises something or at least, when she says she’s going to do something, and then forgets she said that or changes a plan – cos she’s soooo forgetful at times, even though there’s no malice, or ill-intent behind it….. I get very upset.

The child parts hear everything and when she says she will do something, they take it as gospel that that thing will happen. And when it doesn’t… they meltdown.

It’s something I need to remember to speak to her about because it’s happened a few times.

So, yeah, I’ve been doubting Sienna would remember that she said she’d check in with me over the holidays, especially since she’s on faraway holiday. Part of me doesn’t care about hearing from her, I don’t need it and I’m doing fine.

But a small part of me still hoped to hear from her.

And today I got an email.

A one liner. Desperately disappointing.

I wasn’t expecting her to write war and peace, but FFS…. her one line was depressingly dull.

” Checking in. All here’s well, hope things are with you too.”

My heart sank. It wasn’t what I wanted. We hadn’t talked about what her check in would be, or what I’d like. We should have, on reflection.

Do I sound like a desperately spoiled brat? I feel like one.

What I would have liked was ” Hi Sirena, writing from sunny __________. Have been to *tourist destination X” and had a lovely trip. Hope you are well, not long until I’m back and we can meet on the 16th. Thinking of you. ”

The thing is… to explain to those who don’t understand (though many who read this blog and have similar issues to me will.) Any communication with my therapist is activating. I literally have a hyper-vigilant response to any email or text she sends, regardless if it’s good bad or ugly.

Even a lovely warm communication activates my fight flight or freeze responses. Communication costs me dearly. It’s a risk I’m willing to take most of the time because the rewards of a warm communication that help me feel safe and wanted and connected are just too tempting.

What I am learning though is that getting that feeling through electronic communication is extremely difficult. And actually, maybe the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.

Because too many times, the email or text doesn’t help me. And all I’m left with is anger and confusion and suspicion and an over-wrought sympathetic nervous system that is working overtime. And I find it very hard to calm down from that.

After Sienna’s email, I felt my heart sink. Disappointment setting in. A bit of anger at her crappy one lined attempt at what? Connection? It wasn’t connecting at all so what’s the point?

How could she not know that those words are no where near enough to help with connection or reassurance?

And worse than that…. my response only serves to make me feel bad about myself. I feel like a selfish brat for not being grateful that she took time to email. That she cared enough to make the effort during her time off, to think of me and to want to try to help me.

So today, I went from feeling fine, settled, calm and okay. To reading her email and feeling disappointed, hurt, angry, suspicious, frustrated, spoiled, ungrateful and generally pissed off.

That isn’t good is it?

I had a huge body response to her email. All the energy just drained out of my body, I felt nauseous and dizzy and shaky. It felt like when you get low blood sugar.

I couldn’t even stand long enough to make my lunch, my husband had to do it. Now I have been unwell with a Fibromyalgia flare anyway so I’m sure that reaction was in part to do with that. But before I read Sienna’s email I’d been feeling alright. But I think my body just can’t cope with strong emotions right now because it’s already so weak from the Fibro/Lupus flare.

I am not sure why I had such a huge body reaction. My body’s reaction was actually far bigger than any emotions I was feeling.

Part of me thinks I should just email her and say that I’m okay and ask her not to email again. I just get too activated and the pay off doesn’t seem worth it.

But I also feel scared to ask for that in case next week I’d be glad to hear from her. And the little parts really want a connecting email. And the hope that the next one will be warmer is so great that cancelling right now would mean they lose hope and that in itself could send me into a spiral.

It’s all so bloody complicated isn’t it?

How a simple email with good intentions could be so laden with danger for me.

I’m trying to keep myself on an even keel. But I can feel this hangover from feeling so disappointed.

And I leave you with a picture of little me having a raging meltdown! hahahaha.

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