Posted in attachment, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, ego state, mental health, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized

Fear & Fury

20180709_130134_0001.png

 

Last Monday’s session was immediately shit.

And it stayed shit for the entire hour – with the exception of one moment when Sienna threw a teddy at me and I retaliated by throwing a huge pillow back at her! It raised a smile from me for about 25 seconds.

As a follow on from my text the week before about holding my scalpel for me, Sienna asked if I’d self-harmed. I told her no. That was a lie, but I just didn’t feel like sharing anything with her anymore.

I was obstructive the entire session. I barely spoke and refused any of Sienna’s suggestions of doing art or anything else. She wanted to explain why she thought it be better that I dispose of them but I wouldn’t let her.

I told her “ It doesn’t matter why, you didn’t want to and that’s your right. I don’t want to talk about this.”

She told me it was from a place of caring and I told her “ no it wasn’t”.

She mentioned about self-responsibility that she thought I was ready to be challenged and that I could dispose of the razors myself.

I got angry and told her that I’ve always had SO much responsibility all my life. I don’t need a lesson in self-responsibility. I am super responsible most of the time. But I’ve never asked her to take razors off me before, so when I ask for help, it means I need it.

She conceded a little. That maybe it was just the way the text was worded or maybe she didn’t make the right decision.

The truth is, in hindsight, I was asking her to take the responsibility off of me but not for the reason she thinks. I wasn’t trying to make her responsible for my safety. I wanted to experience her attention and care and willingness to look after me. It was a symptom of not feeling seen or heard for a very long time. It was a teen upping the ante to see if Sienna would notice her and show her physical demonstrations of being seen and being cared about. It was a communication that all is not well. It was the teen asking to feel the safety of Sienna’s parental boundary.

I was so angry and hurt.

I think I did try to tell her a little bit how I’ve been feeling. I don’t know. Now that I’m trying to write about it I can’t remember much about the session.

The teen did say “ I HATE this room. I hate therapy. I hate you.” ( from behind a pillow.)

But towards the end I got really upset and I think I was saying I can’t cope or something, but I do remember Sienna saying that I’m so much more capable now and she was directing me back to my family for support and omg that felt so abandoning. Fuck her.

I left the session sobbing. I went to the toilet to dry my eyes and collect myself. And I just felt so overwhelmed and misunderstood and that swarming feeling I get sometimes of being so alone and so much space just drowning me. But the teen was also in full throttle too and I just thought;

“ why the fuck am I doing this? If I am alone and supposed to cope by myself then why the fuck am I coming here every week and paying to be triggered, only to be sent back out into the world to cope alone – like I’ve always done? This is madness.”

I returned to Sienna’s office and asked for my blanket back. She seemed surprised but got my blanket out of her filing cabinet. She handed me it and put her hand on my head in a soothing sympathetic way. I told her I wasn’t coming back.

All she said was “ It’s going to be okay. I’ll be here on Monday.”

I couldn’t believe she could see how upset I was and just let me go an entire week alone.

Shit session from start to finish.

When I got home, I fired off another text explaining why I wanted to leave. Why I didn’t see the point in therapy anymore. I told her I am not coping as well as she seems to think and a lot of my “coping” is because of the fear of her leaving. I asked her not to respond angrily.

Everything felt so huge and terrible. I knew I’d dropped into that very dissociated place of annihilation but I wasn’t able to get out of it and so I took a diazepam and went to bed. I was absolutely shattered and fell asleep immediately.

She replied the next morning.

“ I am not angry. But I am not going to do this by text. Whoever is texting needs to come to session.”

I was awake already, still feeling that annihilated place so acutely. Rebellious teen had gone and needy small child was there.

“ Sienna I need help. Can you speak with me?”

I felt desperate. I needed to hear her voice for a few minutes.

Sienna replied “ I cannot speak at the moment (on a train) and in meetings most of today. Reach out to family today. Ground yourself. Get yourself outside for an hour before it gets too hot. If you need immediate help phone for a GP appointment. You will be okay. You need to move to being yourself into the present.”

She may as well having slapped my face hard.

It felt like she totally side-stepped any responsibility for me. No, it didn’t feel like that, that IS what she just did. Her message told me that she was not going to make herself available to me even for 5 minutes. She wasn’t going to find time for me.

If I was able to bring myself into the present, wouldn’t I have done that???? My need was not for a dr or my family or anything else. I needed her. My upset and dissociation was about therapy stuff.

I just needed to hear from her and get some reassurance that we are okay. My pain could so easily have been helped by a few kind and reassuring words, a moment of her time and show of willingness to be there for me. But no, apparently that was too much for Sienna this week.

Needy child text back “ I need you.” (and a whole lot of crying emojis)

Part of me remembered that therapy is done in session and if needed by telephone but not texting. So I asked;

“Can I come back in for another session?”

I knew I’d fucked up my session the previous day by refusing to talk but now, magically, I was ready to spill about everything. I needed to see her.

She wrote back eventually in late afternoon “ I can do a check in on Friday, but I’m not around until next Monday.”

“This is Tuesday” I thought. “6 days of agony is too much. I can’t believe she would leave me this long. She would never have done that in the past and now everything is changes and I can’t bear it.”

It felt completely uncaring. I just couldn’t believe that she didn’t have 5 minutes somewhere to connect with me. This was about choice. She was choosing to NOT be there for me. She was choosing not to help me.

I was instantly incensed! Utterly furious. How dare she leave me like this!!

Something snapped. Suddenly I had nothing to lose. I realised – I am alone. I am my own responsibility and Sienna’s not there anymore. There “relationship” is a sham, a fake construct of care and I’d had my fill of it all.

I fired off a text to her “ Just forget it, I can’t do this anymore. It’s no longer sustainable, I won’t be back. I’ll arrange to get my stuff picked up from you at a time that suit you. Thanks for your minimum effort.”

Yep. Bitchy. But I didn’t care.

Sienna replied “ I’ll be there as usual on Monday. We agreed before that texting is not a suitable pace to discuss this so if you feel able, please come on Monday.”

FUCK OFF SIENNA!!! I am not coming Monday or ever again. She doesn’t care.

I was so past losing my shit that I couldn’t even keep my vitriol in.

I text her back “ No, I don’t feel able. I don’t like text either. But you are not making space for me and I’m not being triggered in sessions or be told to deal with it on my own anymore, If I’m on my own with it, then why bother coming to therapy to be deliberately triggered and hurt by you? Utter insanity.

We literally have no relationship, it’s a huge painful joke. I don’t need it. I’m fucking done with you, with therapy, with everything.

You can leave me alone now, oh wait, you were already doing that.

I don’t want to hear from you anymore which suits you fine – I get it! I am not your child and therefore completely worthless and I’m just your job and a huge burden. I don’t need you adding to my trauma and the utter hell I’m going through.

If I’m this alone then I may as well get used to it and not use a fucking therapist to pretend otherwise.”

 

Yeah… not my proudest moment. But at the time, I wanted nothing more than to get away from her. I didn’t want her to reply. I wanted to bin therapy and never look back.

I then added to my text – “ Oh and my Dr has retired, so I also have no dr now either. I officially have no one, fuck you all.”

She did NOT reply.

I hate her.

I love her and I hate her in equal measure.

I really lost my shit. I really did.

Strangely, after I sent all of that, I felt peace. I felt a huge weight lift. I had exploded. I let 7 months of pain out. I felt better. I burned bridges in spectacular style and I felt really relieved.

I went to the beach that night and I felt so happy and so relaxed.

The rest of my week has been pretty good. It took me until Friday to properly calm down. But if I didn’t think about it too much I was okay. But the minute I started remembering, I felt the rage and the determination to not return to therapy.

And today is Monday. I am supposed to go tonight.

The small attach parts want to go. They need to see Sienna.

But my teen parts are absolutely refusing to go. Both from fear of consequences and painful discussions and more triggering and just still feeing utterly done with therapy. They are still furious that Sienna has taken such a step back from us.

Adult me knows I am supposed to go. That this is the work. But the teens fear and fury is so much stronger than any other part of me.

Teen me says this;

“ If I go, then she’s won. She knows she never needs to make the effort with us because we’ll always turn up like a poor, abused, puppy, desperate for love.

If I go to session, she will feel smug and powerful. I can’t bear it. She needs to see how much I’m hurting and affected by all of this. And how else do I show her but just not turn up? I’ve tried telling her and she isn’t hearing me and she doesn’t even care. So maybe just ghosting the session will make her notice me? Maybe she’ll take me seriously.

And anyway, what’s the point of therapy? She doesn’t fucking care about us. We really are on our own so why get triggered intentionally only to have it restated firmly that actually yeah you really are alone.”

God, I have no idea what to do. Do I just give up on therapy? Maybe enough is enough.

I am sick of people telling me how well I’m doing. Why can no one see what’s behind the “doing great” façade?

I am not one person. My adult self is doing great. She has grown exponentially. But it was in response to the trauma of Sienna’s burnout last year. I needed that adult to take over.

But that doesn’t mean that all the other need and vulnerability isn’t still there. It’s just gone into hiding so that the adult and the good girl can turn up to therapy. It’s a coping mechanism that is hiding the level of need in order to keep my therapist and in order to not die of the pain I feel.

I don’t want to go tonight. But I don’t want to not go either. I don’t know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements