My dreams have finally settled down. And I am starting to get bigger blocks of sleep. In fact, on Thursday and Friday I got 9 hours in a row! That is virtually unheard of for me.
I have come to realise that when new memories are released or my readiness to face it comes along or maybe a part who holds the memories surfaces, my nightmares on the subject of abuse increase significantly – or at least, they become more intense. This has happened before. It seems to happen maybe once a year… I’m not entirely sure.
And when it gets that intense I am somehow able to talk to Sienna about it and what I know, what I suspect, what I feel is true. Perhaps because in those moments it all feels terribly real and I feel totally blown open by it and utterly vulnerable that there’s nothing left to do, nothing left to fight with, nothing left to do but talk about it, voice it, cry about it, face it.
And it seems that perhaps I can only go to that place once every year.
Along with the nightmares, my anxiety heightened and I developed a new symptom. I became fixated on spiders. I already have a pretty severe phobia of them anyway. But I started thinking I was seeing one everywhere. My heart jumped several times an hour as I thought I’d caught sight of one on the wall, on the floor, on my bed- IN my bed… I felt them on my skin in my hair and I’d keep freaking out and flicking off things that weren’t there!
It was like an OCD thing or something. My dreams also included spiders, lots of them.
It’s settled down quite a lot now but it was horrible.
I’ve been very dissociated all week, if not longer. Even as I write, I feel so disorientated and un-tethered. Time just moves in the strangest of ways and I have no idea how much time has passed, I have no concept of when things happened, no straight-line narrative, there’s no order for me.
My memory is awful. I can’t remember things I’ve said, things I’ve done. Everything feels floaty and fluid and confused.
And perhaps not surprisingly, my whole body is in agony. I do wonder if my body is responding to releasing the trauma memories because I am not normally in this amount of pain. My muscles burn, my head hurts, my neck is stiff, my joints feel hurt, bruised almost. My throat has burned intermittently, nausea has come and gone as it pleases.
This is all Fibromyalgia pain. But my body is just overwhelmed with it this week. It really feels like my body has exploded. I generally feel extremely fatigued but usually my pain levels are minimal and are sorted with some ibuprofen or paracetamol. So having this level of pain is something else.
I feel like I’ve been through something recently traumatic, like a car crash or something.
The abuse nightmares aren’t new. I generally have them several times a week. But I either feel numb towards them or I forget them minutes after waking.
So, I am not sure why everything got so intense this past couple of weeks.
A teen part showed up to therapy on Thursday. Sienna clicked straight away that it was someone else in therapy. She wondered if that part had turned up because someone else didn’t want to talk about what happened on Monday (our conversation about abuse memories and the letter.)
I think she was probably right.
I feel like my whole body has released massive trauma. And that sounds like it would feel good, but it doesn’t, it feels catastrophic, like I’ve gone head first through a windscreen. I am sure trauma release is a very good thing, it’s one less thing to store in my body. So, I am glad of it, but it’s really hard on me. I am utterly fatigued and just in pain and dissociated to the point that times just barely exists.
Has anyone else experienced similar feelings when they’ve released trauma from their body?
I feel surprised by the level of pain I am experiencing. I feel surprised by just how much my body has been holding. I am no stranger to the concept of trauma – I talk about it all the time. I understand trauma, yet I suppose I am used to talking about it as a theory, and as an emotionally felt experience but I’ve not really felt the violence of trauma. The destructive assault and impact it has on the body. I mean, I knew that it must be there, I have known that Fibromyalgia is often a symptom/byproduct of trauma.
But I’ve never really felt the trauma I’ve held within my body as a physical event, an assault. It’s always felt like a feeling, an emotion, a “something” that’s huge and terrible and impacting but also invisible to the eye and evasive to touch.
Yet this trauma release, is physical, it feels real and touchable, like a real event and it bloody hurts! I’m not sure why I should be so surprised, yet I am.