Last night’s session just… ugh.
I dragged myself there. Was already dissociated and agitated before I even got in there – but you know, cos of trauma shit, I looked calm as a cucumber (yes, I know I’m mixing up my metaphors.)
The session was a bit strange. Probably because of how I was feeling, but it just felt a bit flat. We spoke about a lot of semi-important things, like what happened the day before, when I had a reaction to being a supportive “other”, for someone and how it depleted me later that night.
Sienna even came over to hold me, even though I wasn’t crying, I was just a bit spaced out.
And even that didn’t make me feel more present or connected, though it was nice of course.
I showed her my illustrations of the huffy puffy crocodile and she LOVED them.
As the session progressed, it just felt like we weren’t really getting to what I needed. We talked about worthwhile things, yet nothing felt like there was any depth to it. To be honest, it felt a bit like maybe Sienna was tired. She wasn’t like totally on the ball, in terms of asking leading questions or anything, she just listened and responded to what was there but not expanding on it.
That isn’t a criticism and I’m not angry about it, it’s just an observation. I just felt her energy wasn’t as revved up.
The nights are getting really dark again, it’s dreary and the leaves are falling off the trees now and everything outside felt so quiet, muted, and so it felt like our energy levels matched that.
Towards the end of the session, I became more agitated and more dissociated. I think the problem was that I needed something but I didn’t know what I needed at all, only that I wasn’t getting it!
And because there was no alters specifically out, I felt like a dissociated husk. Empty of personality. As if it was just my body there, and no one inside wanted to take control. No one wanted to come out. Yet, they were ALL creating chaos inside. They were throwing out garbled memories, dreams, and flashbacks of dreams and flashbacks of real memories and it was all getting mixed up about what was reality and what wasn’t. I couldn’t keep a grip of it being 2018. It was a whirlwind of somatic overload. I felt all the chaos in my body, and my brain was busy with dreams and flashbacks and images but no one inside would come forward and just be there. So it was all locked inside of me.
And as awful as it felt, I sat there fairly calm. Sienna knew I’d dissociated big. And I pushed through to tell her what I was experiencing. But I sat very still as it was all happening.
I left the session slightly more grounded, but not much. It took me another 30 minutes before I “woke up” out of it.
I hate sessions like that.