I woke this morning and I immediately felt like I’d had a ton of bricks dropped on me from a great height.
I can’t remember why or if I’d woke up from bad dreams or what…. I just felt this massive blackness around me and inside of me. I felt vastly empty and sad and it felt so huge. I guess it carried the same weight as deep depression feels.
I literally could not take much more of it this morning and I text Sienna and asked for a check-in ASAP. Luckily she was able to speak with me.
I didn’t even know what to say or to tell her, but surprisingly, when she answered I just burst into tears.
I felt dissociated. I told her everything feels floaty and untethered, that my memory is terrible just now and that I have no daily timeline to keep me grounded, I can’t tell when things happened and everything feels mixed up and far away. I said to her that I know I was in session on Thursday but that I don’t have memories of the session and it feels like it was a long long time ago.
In daily life, in the moment, I mean, I don’t recognise myself as being dissociated (well sometimes I do but mostly I don’t) I feel normal but with the feelings I’ve described above. But then when I start trying to look back at my week, there’s a sense of amnesia and no sense of time, how recent things were or how many days have passed since that day or thing happened and it’s in those moments I recognise the level of dissociation.
When you don’t have the parameters of time to keep you tethered, life quickly feels disrupted, floaty, and disjointed.
Sienna suggested keeping to morning check-ins. I asked her if the older parts don’t feel like they can talk, can the younger ones send her their drawings? It’s something I’ve been meaning to ask her for a while but kept forgetting.
She thought it was a brilliant idea. So that’s what we are going to do. Let the little ones send her drawings In the mornings or I can chose to call her.
I feel relief about that.
The phone call didn’t help in terms of making me feel better. But just hearing her voice and letting her know how bad things are still felt useful.
Later in the day I went shopping and picked up some new grey super-soft drapey hareem-type trousers and a wine coloured hoody which is also light but very soft and cosy. I got the hoody in 2 sized bigger than I am because I just feel the need for soft cosy comfortable materials that envelop me. It’s the closet thing I get to pyjamas, without actually wearing pyjamas to my session! Which is a huge temptation whilst I feel like this – but never will do because it’s my pet hate to see people wearing their Pj’s in public yuck.
At dinner time, my heart started thumping and my breathing fastened. There were no anxious thoughts just my body doing its own thing. But I quickly got shaky and agitated. Maybe a panic attack? I don’t know… it passed after about 30 mins
I went to bed just after 8pm, I was exhausted. As I lay in bed I started my usual mantra – speaking inside to the alters, reassuring them we were safe in 2018 and we all need to let the body sleep etc but I must have just passed out because I never got further than the sentence “ It’s 2018, we are safe at home….”
I woke up at 12:30am – 4 hours sleep.
In that time I had two nightmares, one of them a recurring theme and in the other being raped as an adult at a party.
I immediately felt overwhelmed and distressed. I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears.
I feel attacked. I feel besieged by my brain and overtaken by my body. I feel powerless right now.
For the first time in a long while I felt suicidal. Not immediately so, and I really have no intentions of dying, I don’t even want to die! But briefly I felt so done in, that it felt like an option.
I am really struggling. My energy reserves are virtually emptied. I have no fight left in me right now which is compounding the physical symptoms. I feel hugely vulnerable and used up.
In my check in this morning, Sienna had asked if the empty black feeling is the annihilation stuff related to the attachment stuff. It isn’t.
Strangely, I haven’t really had any of the attachment related stuff affect me lately. Which is a relief because actually that stuff feels even worse than what I’ve going through just now.
It feels like how I’m feeling now it adult me dealing with present day feelings about the past abuse stuff. And because it’s more present stuff, I generally handle it better, even whilst it’s this dire.
The attachment stuff is much more stuck and dissociative and I just drown in it because it is flashback to infancy and childhood, there’s no adult me to deal with it and it’s just full on child parts who hold the terror and abandonment. There’s no present day processing of that stuff and so it feels much worse as it’s reliving the bad stuff.
I think that Sienna and I have had a good few weeks/months of good quality connection, the outside contact is at a manageable level for both of us and in sessions we are doing some really great work – a combination of lots of nurturing and actual processing memories. And because of all of that good enough connection, the young parts aren’t triggered back to childhood terror.
I feel fairly settled with the attachment I have to Sienna. I feel connected and secure-ish. It’s a nice place to be.
Thank God I have my session tomorrow. I am counting the hours.