Posted in blog, blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, lifestyle, mental health, mental health awareness, therapist, therapy, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

The Abyss Inside.

Banner Girl in therapy (1)

My session day this week was changed from Monday to Thursday due to life things. But I had arranged for a phone check in on Monday morning.

I’d like to tell you about it, but I have no memory of what we talked about!

But I can tell that you between Monday and Thursday, I struggled hugely. I did have the option of daily check-ins again, but I didn’t take them. I guess I just felt like I had nothing much to say and also that I don’t want to over use them if I can manage on my own.

And even though I struggled a bit, I knew I was holding it on my own, there wasn’t a need to connect with Sienna.

My physical health has been awful. I am experiencing a lot of widespread body pain and stiffness. My sleep is disrupted- not that that’s new! My nightmares continue to be awful and scary and just relentless, I have so many dreams all in one sleep. I just feel kicked in, I feel truly beat up and pummelled, both physically and mentally.

And on top of that, I have held within me this internal crying, every day. It stays in the centre of my tummy and seeps into my solar plexus area sometimes. It feels separate from me.

It’s low level awdul, but it really wears me down and makes me sad.

I’ve also experienced the return of detached black empty pain. I’ve written about it many times before but I haven’t felt it for quite a long time, I don’t think.

It isn’t there all the time, it’s more of a sharp acute attack and then it fades. When it happens, I feel frozen in time, I feel tremendous emotional pain opening up in my chest, like a black cavernous abyss of nothingness. There’s no thoughts or needs attached, it’s just a state of being. It temporarily freezes me, and there’s emotional agony which is very still, lifeless and unshaped. Being around people makes me feel sick in my chest, it exacerbates the “black attack” to look at people, be in the same room as them or talk to them – my God! Talking to people whilst this attack is happening is utter agony, I feel a crying feeling in my throat and upper chest. The only thing that helps this is to retreat. To stay still and wait for it to pass. And it does pass, it only lasts a few minutes. But it’s been happening with greater frequency, like, several times a day sometimes.

I wish I knew what to do about it. I wish I knew what caused it and what the physiological processes were. It’s truly an abyss of agony.

I think I’ve always thought that it’s to do with attachment and my lack of secure attachment as a baby and so was a flashback of sorts. And maybe it is. But this frozen blackness isn’t wanting to find connection, it isn’t looking for people, it doesn’t have need, it isn’t a longing for “mummy”. In fact, people and connection intensify the pain. The only thing that helps is to be alone, to withdraw inside me self, stay still, frozen, not talking, no eye contact, perfect stillness…. And let it pass.

I was glad when I finally got to session day. Had I not had that session, I know for a fact that I was going to have to ask for check ins. I could no longer hold this level of pain by myself.

I got as far as telling Sienna how awful the week had been. That I’d struggled. She asked if I’d forgotten about the check ins? I told her I hadn’t forgotten, that I’d just felt like I didn’t have much to say, and also that I should try holding it for myself.

She said it was okay to just call to say hello. And that maybe a quick 2 mins would be enough.

I didn’t say anything, but I did think that somehow, that feels worse.

Even though I have nothing to say, nothing that hasn’t already been said, no need that I can identify… somehow, a quick hello and goodbye feels awful. I makes me feel sad and as if my need (that I don’t even recognise as having!) hasn’t been met. It feels hollow and uncaring almost.

It’s like I’ve not said something really important and that she hasn’t seen me and hadn’t attended to my needs. Yet, I literally am not aware of having any need in the moment. And Sienna definitely has tried to make herself to meet my needs, if she knows what they are.

Poor Sienna, she can’t win can she?

I’m so sick of myself, guys. I am so over being attacked by myself.

In session Sienna suggested that perhaps all my body pain is part of the trauma response to the abuse stuff that’s been coming up lately. She’s probably right.

You know, before the session, at home, I felt so weary, so battered by my brain and my body that I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it.

I REALLY needed to go to my session but I felt so unwell, that as I lay in bed I had no idea how I could make it there. And I was panicking a bit because I needed a cuddle so badly. I needed to be with Sienna. I needed comfort and nurturance.

But after I forced myself into a bath, and as I sat in front of the mirror as I put my make-up on, I switched. I felt it. I jut clicked into something else… someone else…. And suddenly I didn’t feel ill, I had some strength. I felt okay and the days of feeling attacked by my own body and mind just melted away into the background.

So that part, whoever the hell she was, took my session.

What I needed was to crawl in there, get mummy cuddles and have a cry. What happened was this adult part, sat there chatting random shit to Sienna and not really connecting to the memory of how shit things had been all week.

I felt sick in session and very tired. My tummy became a bit upset and gurgled and made me feel nauseous. I felt sad and piteous, but I couldn’t ask for what I needed. I am not sure I even felt the need properly in session.

As a result, the session felt a bit pointless. What happened? Why did that numbed part move in? Why did it prevent me from getting what I truly needed? Why didn’t the parts who really needed to be there not show up? Well…. They were there in the background with all their need, but they weren’t close enough for me to let them through to front.

As a result I couldn’t remember exactly why the week had been so bad and so I didn’t tell Sienna about it.

I wonder if that part moved in whilst I was getting ready in order to get me to therapy. But somehow I got stuck in that part and the young needy parts couldn’t get through.

Arghhhhhh. This is so shitty.

I am SO glad next week is a two session week. I really need it. I really really need it.

 

 

 

 

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Posted in blogging, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, mental health, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

Consistently Inconsistent.

Banner Girl in therapy

After writing my last post about my blog turning 5 years old and all the new things I’d like to do with my blog, it got me to thinking about brand identity and the importance of consistency.

And that led me on to thinking how much I struggle with those things. I said at the end of my previous post that I’ve never stuck to anything for 5 years and am amazed that I have stuck with this blog. I said that I am a “prolific quitter.”

And it struck me after writing that, that there was never a truer statement. I am indeed a prolific quitter. Always have been. It’s something I’ve always felt ashamed of until recently.

Even as a child, I loved starting new little projects and would pour all my attention on that, until it got hard, or too detailed or just that another amazing idea popped in my head!

I tried a few different hobbies, ballet, gymnastics, girl scout type clubs, and never really got far with any of them before quitting. I was a really good little gymnast- with promise too, but I just fell away from it.

It didn’t help that I came from a family who thought that once you pick a thing, you should stick to it and get good at it, so when I didn’t do that it was considered that I was a bit of a failure or something. They all got so annoyed when I gave up on things. I wished they’d celebrated and supported my curious little mind who wanted to explore new things and try new experiences.

Nothing much has changed. I am still like that. However, how I think about it now is much kinder and much more positive.

It’s part of my personality, I am creative, I am an artist. I think in colour and shape and texture and emotion. Sometimes my brain just explodes with ideas and energy and I love new starts and new projects. Getting “ good” at something isn’t particularly my goal. I am so not competitive. My perfectionist streak makes me too busy competing with myself and goading myself to be better, to look at what others are doing and get into competition with them!

I’ve just never got on with the whole “consistency” thing. I pretty much have no routine in my life. I HATE rules and boundaries, they give me panic, fear and rage. I feel like a caged bird if I have to live by other people’s rules and routines and time constraints.

Yet there’s part of me who craves routine and consistency – therapy is a case I point! I freak out when that doesn’t feel routine and consistent. I need safety. In some ways I am very rigid about change. I hate people just turning up at my door. I prefer notice. Often, I don’t even answer the door if I don’t know who is there or if I am not expecting anyone. I get anxiety when people don’t give me notice of things. Sometimes I don’t even answer my phone because I’m just not in the headspace for it and I get huge anxiety about why they are phoning me and what they might want from me

It never made sense to me, how could I be SO full of inconsistencies and contradictions? Why can I never stick to anything? Why do I float about so much and never just commit fully to one thing at a time? Why do I have a million half-done projects littered in my wake?

I had a boyfriend once who jokingly used to call me “ Half-a-job”. Because I always started something and got bored or forgetful halfway through. I used to laugh every-time he said it because it was true. I really do have very little consistency or sticking power.

So, as I start my new project for this blog with great gusto, it does make me wonder how I am going to be able to stay consistent?

I am not putting too much expectation on myself. But I really like the idea of having an identifiable brand across all the social networks. And I think that helps readers find me on all platforms.

Having fragmented alters complicates things even more and is possibly even been part of my problem in the past with consistency.

How do you please all the alters? They all have different ages, tastes, and views.

For example…. Mostly it is me, Sirena who writes this blog. But from time to time, another part pops up and will write. And that’s totally fine. Those who’ve followed me for a long time can usually tell if someone else is writing because the views and tone and behaviour of that part are different to me.

But in the past year, I’ve had a BIG thing for unicorns. I love them… who doesn’t love unicorns? I still love unicorns, all the parts do. You can’t hate unicorns really, can you?

But mostly my love of them is because I am blended with child parts who are so happy about unicorns and love the magic and safety of them, and the innocence of them. There’s a child-like delight whenever unicorns are seen. And that influenced the aesthetic of my blog for a little while.

I changed my icon to a pink and blue unicorn. My sign-off was the same icon – a circle with a unicorn.

I was really happy with the cuteness.

But now, I am appalled by how tacky it is!! LOL

I hate it and I was thinking to myself WTF were you thinking????

I think I am less in touch with the child parts who LOVED it right now. I have a more adult perspective and whilst I can appreciate the unicorn love, it’s not right for me or for my “brand identity”.

And my new “look” on this blog, I love it. But will everyone else inside? Or will someone else come along and be like “ This is disgusting, I need to change it!”

Probably.

I am laughing right now, because this is just part and parcel of having alters. It’s all quite subtle, but when you begin to realise that a lot of the reasons for why you are the way you are is down to having alters who are changing things when they come to the fore. Well, it’s a relief to understand but it’s also somewhat comical.

I actually love that I am so in touch with the child parts and I never want to lose that. I LOVE that I can play and be innocent and feel excited about magical unicorn and fairies. I feel sorry for adults who can’t get in touch with their inner child and just let loose. It seems such a dull existence.

And because I am co-conscious, ( I am aware of which parts are around and can blend with them, so there’s an adult normal part fronting and child parts just slightly behind) I can hold the reality that fairies and unicorns might not exist (but they might!!!) But I can also enjoy the magical innocence and joy of truly believing they exist some-where and I can enjoy all things unicorn and all things childish.

But yeah, in business it’s not quite so cute and I really need consistency and arghhhh I struggle to be consistent, how am I going to do this?