Posted in blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, lifestyle, mental health, mental health awareness, repressed memories, trauma, traumatic memory, Wellbeing

Worst nightmare and potentially a name.

This post contains details of graphic ritual abuse. Please consider your own safety before reading ahead.

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Um… What the fuck. Just had a horrendous nightmare after a pretty positive morning.

I returned to bed cos I’m a bit unwell at the moment candidate felt sleepy.

I’d had a positive check in with Sienna this morning and was feeling happy and then this!!!

I’m not sure, but I think I might have gotten the name of someone involved in my abuse.

It’s not a name of anyone I know of in real life so who knows. But a quick Google search showed up at least one big business owner in this town who ages with certain other people I am suspecting. But not totally sure about.

I am holding onto the reality that this nightmare isn’t necessarily concrete memories.

But it was more details about satanic stuff. And my god, even though the dream didn’t feel mega real like a flashback or memory, the felt sense of the fear, the remembering, the awfulness of the details, the feeling of “yes this really happened to me” that was real. There’s something about that dream that has kernels of truth embedded in them.

That I have had my memory of this stuff wiped clean, somehow. By those who did the harm. That feels real.

The devil paraphernalia, the skulls, they feel real..

Something about them hurting my scalp…they took my scalp… That feels somatically real. I keep wanting to touch the top of my head, to soothe it I suppose.

Clearly that can’t be real, there would be scars or I’d be dead. But it feels in my body like it happened.

I’ve written the dreams down in order to try and ground myself and work through it. Though this isn’t my writing, it’s an 8 year old child part I think.

The details are gruesome so please don’t read if that stuff effects you badly.

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Posted in blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, lifestyle, mental health, mental health awareness, repressed memories, therapist, therapy, transactional analysis, trauma, traumatic memory, Wellbeing

The Anatomy of Trauma

I literally can’t seem to get a grip of my life these past few weeks. I know I’m dealing with some deep trauma stuff, so I’m not being to hard on myself about it. But I’m just ready to feel better. Right now the flashbacks and trauma memories are affecting my mood and ability to think.

That’s normal, I know that. I know I just need to ride it out. Hold on tight and wait.

But I like being happy and motivated and I like contributing positively to my life and to my career. And right now I’m struggling to stay on task. I’m sleeping a lot- the trauma stuff releasing into my consciousness and my normal fibromyalgia stuff are interacting with one another causing me to be pretty fatigued.

I have joint pain, my back and neck muscles hurt and feel rigid. And occasionally I get this headache- except it’s not a normal headache… It’s more a vague, throbbing pressure built up inside and I usually get it when other alters are about and trying to take control.

When I’m suffering trauma stuff my normal reaction is to freeze. (Hence the excessive sleep) I move minimally, I become insular.

Yet today, I’ve woken up at 3:30am and had the impulse to go out running!!!!! What the actual fuck????

I’ve never run in my life except forced cross country at school. And even then I walked most of it.

My illnesses mean running is pretty impossible and my fitness levels are abysmal. If I had enough fucks to give, I might be embarrassed about how atrociously unfit I am.

This need to run, I think is a symptom of the trauma stuff releasing. I am finally moving from frozen into needing to move, to run, to feel fit and powerful. This is one side effect I wouldn’t mind having!

It’s blowing an absolute gale out there. It’s dark and stormy so there will be no running or fast walking more like in my case!

But I’m going to do yoga.

Another symptom I’m experiencing is a need to constantly buy stuff I don’t even need. Fun things, random shit.

I can’t afford to buy stuff all the time so I’m trying really hard not to. But the impulse is really strong. I have stuff in shopping carts all over the internet!

I don’t know if it’s a need or a comfort or a defence against feeling hard things. Or perhaps I’m trying to get that seratonin high that comes from the excitement of buying things you want.

I reached out to Sienna again. I felt… Feel awful. Vulnerable and just sad and hurt.

I drew her a picture of what’s happening in my body.

I haven’t heard from her. It’s only 7:20am but I know she’s up early. And usually our check in is at 7:30am if we r going to speak.

Fuck.