It’s 2:45am and I’m sitting with a coffee. I am utterly exhausted yet can’t fall asleep due to a pesky cough that only turns up during the night when sleeping.
I finally got myself to therapy earlier. With the help of some people here and also a nice response from Sienna whom I texted my struggles to.
My auto-immune diseases are flaring still. I’m in my 9th week of feeling truly crap. I am pretty much housebound most of the time because I am so exhausted and fatigued. I am in pain all over my body. It’s tolerable pain, but annoying and wearing all the same. The nausea I am experiencing most days is next level shit-ness.
I’m sure all of that isn’t helping my ability to cope with therapy stuff.
My session was okay. Not exactly what I needed – which was just to be a drippy “feeling sorry for myself” mess and just lie in a cuddle with Sienna.
But she never offered and I never asked. I still rarely initiate hugs. I can’t. The young ones if they’re the ones mostly in the room, they can ask and do. But if there’s enough adult or teen around, then I just can’t ask for hugs. I feel ashamed.
And shame was a huge topic in my therapy tonight. I feel so much shame for having child needs. Of being a grown-ass adult who spent so much of her life being super independent and capable and now has opened Pandora’s box and realised that all that independence was just masking deep fears and survival modes.
I don’t want to be weird. I don’t want to be a grown woman with the needs of a toddler. Which is currently where I am at. And it is embarrassing. And it is frustrating that I need this concentrated level of input on a weekly basis just to stay on an even keel.
My session had some pretty interesting conversations at times. Especially at the end when I started talking openly about the child parts and how they work, what they do. Sienna spoke about Sofia turning up to sessions a while back. I asked how she knew, and she said that Sofia wears different clothes!
I asked what like? And Sienna said black and purple clothes, dark eye-makeup. I was surprised as I don’t really remember Sofia wearing different clothes. But I do know that she wears dark make-up. Whereas when I go to therapy, I wear very little makeup/light, I like a natural barely there look.
Sienna said that a change in clothes or hairstyle sometimes what alerts her to there being a new part in the room.
I felt curious about that. It’s always strange when someone really sees me and notices things, even I don’t realise.
I wonder what she’s made of my change in style lately? I have definitely started buying slightly different colours and styles of clothes. More youthful and fun perhaps. Brighter colours that usual. I am really addicted to slogan sweatshirts and bright rainbow colours right now.
And I’ve taken to wearing my hair in bunches. Pretty much exactly like this ;
That’s pretty unusual for me. I don’t know why exactly, excepts that how a part wants it. I don’t know who but someone young. I’ve been feeling a lot of vulnerable youngsters around lately.. But from a practical point of view, I’ve needed my hair up and away from my neck as my auto-immune flare means I get quite warm at times.
I just feel all at sixes and sevens (is that a british phrase?) I feel like I am on an open channel right now and I am streaming all the alters. I feel all of them, and hear all of them and am sort of slipping in an out slightly between all of them. Meaning that things inside of me are very fluid and blended and it’s open season for all of them to just pop in and out. And it isn’t one at a time either, it’s like holding 10 children all at the same time, experiencing every single one of them simultaneously.
So I feel confused and discombobulated and so aware of all the alters, and seeing things from all of their perspectives, which causes me to feel weird and embarrasssed .
I feel so much need to be with Sienna all the time. I feel clingy and needy. And because I didn’t get what I needed tonight, part of me is tempted to ask for another session on Saturday if she has space. But another more adult part of me doesn’t feel like there’s any point or need even for it. Especially since I am unwell and since even though I am feeling so confused and blended with the parts, there’s not actually anyone with anything pressing to talk to her about. I suppose the need is for comfort and safety.
It’s like, I want to be with Sienna. I yearn to be in that office with her. Safe. I don’t need to survive whilst I’m there, I can put all of that down for an hour. But when I actually get there, reality bites and I suddenly don’t feel the comfort or safety I thought I would. And the parts don’t ask for what they need or talk about what’s really bothering them. Though they have been trying admittedly.
So why spend money on another session that won’t help anyway?
I do have a check in set up with Sienna for Friday, so we’ll just wait and see what tomorrow brings before I decide what I need.