Posted in art, art therapy, attachment, blogging, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, journal, mental health, mental health awareness, therapy, trauma, Wellbeing

Letting your alters play.

When your therapist suggest the child parts draw her some pictures for next session… u end up with glue and glitter… everywhere! 😁

Today i felt the urge to give Keira new clothes and a more exciting environment . I found unicorn jammies and dressing gown in a catalogue and instantly knew Keira would LOVE them.

She did. She really loves them.

I wish i had a real photo of Keira, but instead i had to draw her face.

In my mind, i created Keira a bedroom of her own. It is pink everywhere, frills, cuddly toys, a soft bed with pink bedcovers. Thick pink carpet that you sink into when you walk on it. It’s her safe place and she happily goes there when adult me needs to adult.

When Keira first appeared she didn’t speak. She was ghostly with long black hair. She just screamed silently all the time. She was trapped behind glass. I was scared of her.

Sienna told me that even though Keira was behind the glass (and not even aware of Sienna), she was going to sit by the glass so that Keira had company. And when Keira was ready, she could come out and sit with Sienna.

I think Keira’s come a long way since then.

When i think now how Keira was, it’s very much like Amelia who’s still very much behind glass. I hope one day she can transform too.

Keira has lots she wants to say through drawing. It feels like Keira is ready to do some therapeutic work.

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Posted in blogging, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, mental health, Uncategorized, Wellbeing

Consistently Inconsistent.

Banner Girl in therapy

After writing my last post about my blog turning 5 years old and all the new things I’d like to do with my blog, it got me to thinking about brand identity and the importance of consistency.

And that led me on to thinking how much I struggle with those things. I said at the end of my previous post that I’ve never stuck to anything for 5 years and am amazed that I have stuck with this blog. I said that I am a “prolific quitter.”

And it struck me after writing that, that there was never a truer statement. I am indeed a prolific quitter. Always have been. It’s something I’ve always felt ashamed of until recently.

Even as a child, I loved starting new little projects and would pour all my attention on that, until it got hard, or too detailed or just that another amazing idea popped in my head!

I tried a few different hobbies, ballet, gymnastics, girl scout type clubs, and never really got far with any of them before quitting. I was a really good little gymnast- with promise too, but I just fell away from it.

It didn’t help that I came from a family who thought that once you pick a thing, you should stick to it and get good at it, so when I didn’t do that it was considered that I was a bit of a failure or something. They all got so annoyed when I gave up on things. I wished they’d celebrated and supported my curious little mind who wanted to explore new things and try new experiences.

Nothing much has changed. I am still like that. However, how I think about it now is much kinder and much more positive.

It’s part of my personality, I am creative, I am an artist. I think in colour and shape and texture and emotion. Sometimes my brain just explodes with ideas and energy and I love new starts and new projects. Getting “ good” at something isn’t particularly my goal. I am so not competitive. My perfectionist streak makes me too busy competing with myself and goading myself to be better, to look at what others are doing and get into competition with them!

I’ve just never got on with the whole “consistency” thing. I pretty much have no routine in my life. I HATE rules and boundaries, they give me panic, fear and rage. I feel like a caged bird if I have to live by other people’s rules and routines and time constraints.

Yet there’s part of me who craves routine and consistency – therapy is a case I point! I freak out when that doesn’t feel routine and consistent. I need safety. In some ways I am very rigid about change. I hate people just turning up at my door. I prefer notice. Often, I don’t even answer the door if I don’t know who is there or if I am not expecting anyone. I get anxiety when people don’t give me notice of things. Sometimes I don’t even answer my phone because I’m just not in the headspace for it and I get huge anxiety about why they are phoning me and what they might want from me

It never made sense to me, how could I be SO full of inconsistencies and contradictions? Why can I never stick to anything? Why do I float about so much and never just commit fully to one thing at a time? Why do I have a million half-done projects littered in my wake?

I had a boyfriend once who jokingly used to call me “ Half-a-job”. Because I always started something and got bored or forgetful halfway through. I used to laugh every-time he said it because it was true. I really do have very little consistency or sticking power.

So, as I start my new project for this blog with great gusto, it does make me wonder how I am going to be able to stay consistent?

I am not putting too much expectation on myself. But I really like the idea of having an identifiable brand across all the social networks. And I think that helps readers find me on all platforms.

Having fragmented alters complicates things even more and is possibly even been part of my problem in the past with consistency.

How do you please all the alters? They all have different ages, tastes, and views.

For example…. Mostly it is me, Sirena who writes this blog. But from time to time, another part pops up and will write. And that’s totally fine. Those who’ve followed me for a long time can usually tell if someone else is writing because the views and tone and behaviour of that part are different to me.

But in the past year, I’ve had a BIG thing for unicorns. I love them… who doesn’t love unicorns? I still love unicorns, all the parts do. You can’t hate unicorns really, can you?

But mostly my love of them is because I am blended with child parts who are so happy about unicorns and love the magic and safety of them, and the innocence of them. There’s a child-like delight whenever unicorns are seen. And that influenced the aesthetic of my blog for a little while.

I changed my icon to a pink and blue unicorn. My sign-off was the same icon – a circle with a unicorn.

I was really happy with the cuteness.

But now, I am appalled by how tacky it is!! LOL

I hate it and I was thinking to myself WTF were you thinking????

I think I am less in touch with the child parts who LOVED it right now. I have a more adult perspective and whilst I can appreciate the unicorn love, it’s not right for me or for my “brand identity”.

And my new “look” on this blog, I love it. But will everyone else inside? Or will someone else come along and be like “ This is disgusting, I need to change it!”

Probably.

I am laughing right now, because this is just part and parcel of having alters. It’s all quite subtle, but when you begin to realise that a lot of the reasons for why you are the way you are is down to having alters who are changing things when they come to the fore. Well, it’s a relief to understand but it’s also somewhat comical.

I actually love that I am so in touch with the child parts and I never want to lose that. I LOVE that I can play and be innocent and feel excited about magical unicorn and fairies. I feel sorry for adults who can’t get in touch with their inner child and just let loose. It seems such a dull existence.

And because I am co-conscious, ( I am aware of which parts are around and can blend with them, so there’s an adult normal part fronting and child parts just slightly behind) I can hold the reality that fairies and unicorns might not exist (but they might!!!) But I can also enjoy the magical innocence and joy of truly believing they exist some-where and I can enjoy all things unicorn and all things childish.

But yeah, in business it’s not quite so cute and I really need consistency and arghhhh I struggle to be consistent, how am I going to do this?