Posted in blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, lifestyle, mental health, mental health awareness, repressed memories, therapist, therapy, transactional analysis, trauma, traumatic memory, Wellbeing

The Anatomy of Trauma

I literally can’t seem to get a grip of my life these past few weeks. I know I’m dealing with some deep trauma stuff, so I’m not being to hard on myself about it. But I’m just ready to feel better. Right now the flashbacks and trauma memories are affecting my mood and ability to think.

That’s normal, I know that. I know I just need to ride it out. Hold on tight and wait.

But I like being happy and motivated and I like contributing positively to my life and to my career. And right now I’m struggling to stay on task. I’m sleeping a lot- the trauma stuff releasing into my consciousness and my normal fibromyalgia stuff are interacting with one another causing me to be pretty fatigued.

I have joint pain, my back and neck muscles hurt and feel rigid. And occasionally I get this headache- except it’s not a normal headache… It’s more a vague, throbbing pressure built up inside and I usually get it when other alters are about and trying to take control.

When I’m suffering trauma stuff my normal reaction is to freeze. (Hence the excessive sleep) I move minimally, I become insular.

Yet today, I’ve woken up at 3:30am and had the impulse to go out running!!!!! What the actual fuck????

I’ve never run in my life except forced cross country at school. And even then I walked most of it.

My illnesses mean running is pretty impossible and my fitness levels are abysmal. If I had enough fucks to give, I might be embarrassed about how atrociously unfit I am.

This need to run, I think is a symptom of the trauma stuff releasing. I am finally moving from frozen into needing to move, to run, to feel fit and powerful. This is one side effect I wouldn’t mind having!

It’s blowing an absolute gale out there. It’s dark and stormy so there will be no running or fast walking more like in my case!

But I’m going to do yoga.

Another symptom I’m experiencing is a need to constantly buy stuff I don’t even need. Fun things, random shit.

I can’t afford to buy stuff all the time so I’m trying really hard not to. But the impulse is really strong. I have stuff in shopping carts all over the internet!

I don’t know if it’s a need or a comfort or a defence against feeling hard things. Or perhaps I’m trying to get that seratonin high that comes from the excitement of buying things you want.

I reached out to Sienna again. I felt… Feel awful. Vulnerable and just sad and hurt.

I drew her a picture of what’s happening in my body.

I haven’t heard from her. It’s only 7:20am but I know she’s up early. And usually our check in is at 7:30am if we r going to speak.

Fuck.

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Posted in blogging, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Girl blogger, health, mental health, mental health awareness, Positivity, repressed memories, therapist, therapy, trauma, traumatic memory, Wellbeing

A day of looking after myself.

I worked so hard in the past 24-36 hours or so to practice good self-care. I can’t say any of it totally helped with the horrendous flashbacks… Well the diazepam did eventually cos I’ve not had any in 15 hours.

But practicing good self care certainly didn’t hinder anything either and I feel proud that I did my best.

It was really tough today because my therapist never replied to my text and it was hard not to spin out from that. I felt angry and mistrustful but I also was able to understand that I hadn’t really asked for a reply because at the time (4am) I didnt feel I needed one so I told her I was okay.

But 3 hours later I found myself hoping she’d reply with something. But she didn’t reply and it was tough to sit with it.

Tonight when I got to session she apologised and said she’d read it but her day kicked off really quick and she didn’t get back to me.

I wasn’t in a place to talk about how I’d felt about it – I had bigger fish to fry. But I’m glad I didn’t let the anger and fear take over me because it would have stopped me getting the connection I needed tonight.

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come and how I am much more able to hold her goodness instead of seeing her as a threat and therefore someone I need to protect myself from and explode in protective anger at a missed text.

I hope my flashbacks are finished for now and that I can rest and recover.