Part 3 : Rupture

Sienna just holds me close.

“ That must have been so hard to hold in.”

I replied “ it’s not.”

Sienna smooths my hair “ You’re going to be okay Sirena. You’re going to be okay.”

I sit up, needing a hanky.

Sienna says softly “ You don’t have to hold that by yourself.”

I said still sobbing “ Well that’s what you’re asking me to do, hold it by myself.”

Sienna said “ I’m not.”

“ You ARE.”

Sienna said “ I’m not, I’m still going to be here. I’m not leaving you.”

“You say that but you are.”

Sienna said “ I’m not. When have you ever been here and I’ve not?”

Never.

I said “ It’s not enough.”

Sienna said “ It will be enough.”

I said “ It’s NOT. You can’t will it to be enough.”

Sienna said “ We’ll make it be enough.”

I said “ nooo” (and sounded about 5 years old into the bargain.)

I said “ I don’t want to.”

Sienna repeated “ we’ll make it enough.”

I said feebly “ no.”

Sienna replied “ you’re not dealing with this on your own. You don’t need to. If you walked away from this, this would be your choice.”

I nodded and I said “ uh-huh.”

Sienna said “ Because I am trying to find an option that means that we’re both okay in this.”

I raised my voice “ I am NOT okay. I am not okay.”

I added. “ That outside contact is what has allowed me to come in here and do as much work as I’ve done and the progress I’ve made in only 2 years. That outside contact is the bridge, for whatever happens in here, I know that I can open it up and I can confidently access and allow it because I know if it’s really bad then there and now you’re not going to be.”

After a minute Sienna said, “ It sounds really important to you.”

Uh… yeah?

She continued “ but I worry that I can’t give you what you need through text. But I also understand and hear you when you say that when you have a nightmare or your feelings are very deep that you need to have somewhere to reach out to. So I’m hearing you. And I’m not ignoring it. I don’t know what the answer is from my side though around if you need text but if I’m in a place where I can’t give you what you need… to me that’s more harmful to you because it sets all this off.”

I said emphatically and with frustration “ no, it DOESN’T set all this off. What sets all this off is your removal of self, which is what you do.”

We started going around in circles again and I just stopped mid sentence and said “ Oh, I can’t do this. I just can’t do this.”

Sienna said softly “ I know. I know.”

I said “ I’m making the choice. I’m not coming back.”

Sienna said “ Well I’ll be here on Monday.”

I said “ it’s just one more abandonment..”

Sienna interjected immediately “ Sirena, I am NOT abandoning you.”

“you ARE!”

“ I’m not abandoning you..”

“ That IS, it is… you are abandoning me.”

Firmly Sienna said “ Sirena. I am not abandoning you. I will be here on Monday.”

I said “ you can tell yourself that all you want, but it is abandoning to me.”

Sienna said “ yeah and I get that and it must be horrendous. And really hard –“

I spoke over her and asked “ But tough?”

She never answered. Which told me that yeah, that was the bottom line.

I said “ I see your need but tough.”

Sienna said questioningly “ Do you see my need?”

I paused. Then I said “ I am not supposed to see your need, you don’t let me see your needs.”

And Sienna said “ Well, I’m telling you a need that is impacting our therapy- your therapy. And it’s not about fault or blame. It’s about the way it is. I am not abandoning you. I can see how difficult this is. I can see how bad it is.”

As she spoke I just started going back into that broken place, dissociated and young and traumatised as hell. I just sobbed and what Sienna was saying sound just like what my mum used to do, telling me that one thing wasn’t as it looked, denying my experience existed.

I said through sobs, hearing my mum speak “ I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving your Dad. I’m not abandoning you, I’m divorcing your dad.” (Whilst quite clearly moving out and leaving for another country. If I wasn’t being abandoned, then why did it feel like it? Why wasn’t she there?)

Sienna came back over and sat next to me. “ Is that what she said to you?”

I nodded.

Sienna said “ Well she did abandon you.”

Through heavy sobs I said “ and you are.”

Sienna reassured me she wasn’t. “ This is different Sirena. Do not project your mum onto me. Because I am not your mum, I am your therapist and I am here consistently every single week.”

She took my hand.

I said “ I don’t need a therapist.”

Sienna replied “ You do. You do.”

I said in a voice that was so bereft and broken “ I need my mum. I want my mum.”

Sienna said “ Look at me. Look at me…”

I looked up “ You don’t actually need that mum who abandoned you years ago, you need that strong Sirena, that strong inner self…”

“RIGHT!!!” I didn’t want to hear this. I just sobbed uncontrollably in a way that I’m recognising is very regressed.

Sienna continued “ You need that strong inner self that says “ this is not going to get on top of me!” and you need a strong therapist like me who says no matter how tough it is, we can make enough changes so that it works for both of us, so that we protect you!”

I was crying “ you’re leaving me.”

Sienna said “ Even if it feels as if I’m hurting you just now.”

I was saying “ I can’t, I can’t, help me.”

Sienna replied “ Yes, you can. Because we are going to be okay. I’m not abandoning you. I know it feels huge, that’s an old feeling from the past”

I cried “ It’s not.”

Sienna said “ You are going to be okay Sirena.”

Pain seared through me. Pain and defeat. “ I can’t.”

Sienna said “ YES, you CAN, WE can together.. You’re not doing this on your own.”

I shook my head, “No I’m not doing it,  I can’t I can’t do it.”

Sienna said “ You can do it. You will do it. Take a big deep breath in… breath Sirena.”

“No, no, I can’t do it, I’m not doing it..”

Sienna said “ You can. Where’s my Sirena who’s that strong woman, you are going to do it. And I’m glad you’re hurting.

“ Fuck you.” I said through heaving tears.

Sienna continued “ Feel the hurt, know it, understand it, get it out.”

I kept saying no, over and over. And finally I said “ I don’t want you, I want my mum.”

Sienna softened her voice again and sighed “ I know, darling. I know.” She hugged me through my wracking sobs. Kissed the top of my head.

Sienna said jokingly “ It’s pretty shit having to deal with a second best therapist.”

I couldn’t even answer her. I was so lost in my grief and hurt. I literally could not control myself or reign myself in from this level of pain. I felt maddened with heartbreak.

“ God, you must have needed her so much. And she wasn’t there.”

I managed to get out “ help me. Help me.” I needed help with this pain. I needed rescue.

I can’t make out much of what was said between us. But I can tell the child was speaking, I was speaking from that time when I was really a child and finally feeling what I couldn’t acknowledge at the time.

“ I want to die.”

Sienna spoke to the child “Tell me. Tell me, what did u want to do hmm? When she wasn’t there?”

I say “ Die”.

Sienna didn’t hear me through my cries and asks me to repeat what I said “ What did you want to do?”

“ I wanted to die.”

“You wanted to die?”

I nodded.

Sienna said “ I’m not surprised, that must have been the worst time ever. And when you couldn’t die, Sirena, your wonderful, wonderful brain separated out into all these different places to protect you. That’s how strong you are.”

I just kept repeating “ I want my mum.”

It took a long time to bring me to a place where we could end the session safely. When I listen back I feel sad but also embarrassed because I cried so hard and sound so vulnerable and young.

It feels strange to hear myself flip in and out of different parts. I didn’t even realise properly until I listened back to this session that a child part had taken over. I didn’t even realise at the time I don’t think that Sofia had surfaced, although I did think she had a few days later.

I was scared to listen to this session because I knew it had been powerful and really difficult. And I was scared that the power of it might throw me back into a dissociated place. It’s taken me three week to come back to it.

Today I have a session after 14 days break. By the time Sienna left for her holiday, nothing was resolved so I know we have that ahead of us and I’m dreading it. I am scared to be plunged back into the pain I was experiencing before she left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2 : Rupture.

 

I didn’t want to come back. But I rallied a bit, didn’t let myself float away too much.

Sienna spoke “ It feels… your reaction makes me feel as if even discussing this feels like catastrophic or huge or whatever and I want to know what that is.”

I replied irritatedly “ It’s not catastrophic or huge, I am asking you to just tell me how it is and we’ll go with that.”

Sofia was back.

Sienna replied “ But you’re angry.”

I said “ SO??”

Sienna said “ So I want to know what that’s about.”

I interjected angrily “ You KNOW! What it’s about! Just leave me…..” I let out a frustrated “arghhh”.

Sienna said “ So what is so hard about having to change stuff.”

I said “ Who CAREs???”

I wasn’t having this conversation.

Sienna said with conviction “ Well, I care. And it’s important you put words to it.

I whispered “ stop saying it.”

Sienna continued to speak “ it’s important you put words to it. It’s important that you…

I spoke over her again “ I HAVE words. I always have words, words get me into trouble, so….”

I didn’t finish my sentence.

Sienna asked why words get me into trouble.

I refused to answer.

Sienna said “ Is it because they’re loud and you fight and then people fight with you? Or is it something else.”

I didn’t answer.

I don’t know what I was doing but I hear Sienna say “ Have you gone? Don’t dissociate, Stay here.”

Sienna asks “ Is it Sofia who’s raging or is it everybody?”

I nod to indicate it’s everybody.

I say quietly “ Just tell me how it’s to be.”

Silence.

Sienna said, “ I can tell you what I want to try and then I want your input.”

I felt dread because I knew what was coming.

Sienna said “ Look at me. Why are you covering your face?”

I said quietly “ Because it’s comfortable.”

Sienna asks “ Is it easier not have you seen or to anybody?”

I nod.

Sienna said “ you do so well to come to therapy, Sirena. Never lose sight of that. We do some really good work in here and we still will.”

I don’t say anything.

Sienna says “ Tell me what the narrative is in your head. Tell me what you’re thinking?”

Not a chance, lady.

I say to her angrily “ You can take away what you like, but you disconnect in sessions as well. That’s what you did on Monday in here, so taking away texting, that’s not going to stop you from doing that.”

And Sienna said “ and yet I don’t think I did –“

I interrupted “ Yes, you DID.”

Sienna replied “ Well if I disconnected it was because I can’t… sometimes… You dissociate too and I can’t reach you at that point and when we are sitting in silence….”

I shouted “ I didn’t dissociate on Monday and we never sat in silence. I told you. Do you want the recording of that session?”

She wasn’t going to baffle me with bullshit. I have the recording, I know what happened.

Sienna said “ Well I am saying… What I am trying to say is… it’s a two way street and sometimes when I am trying to sit with you in silence and pick up what you’re feeling, there’s nothing. And I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying… I’m just adding that into the mix. I am not saying I don’t disconnect, and I’m not quite sure why that happens, but I’m working on my bit, I can assure you of that. And I am so pleased that you can tell me that and flag it up to me, because you ARE very sensitive to it. And with the best will in the world, as a human being sometimes I will disconnect. And it’s good when you can tell me that you feel it.”

I said nothing.

Eventually I said “ I mean, you’re good at taking things away and you’re good at…. Ugh I don’t know. You take things away and then…”

Sienna interjected “ I put them IN in the first place.”

I continued “ and you get to say OH I’m really sorry, yeah that was my mistake and that’s it for you but it impacts me, it’s me that’s impacted.”

Sienna said immediately “ So you don’t think it impacts me either?”

I said “ No, no, I don’t.”

Sienna said “ well, that’s your prerogative to think that way.”

I said “ yup.”

I then said “ you tell me to come here and tell you how I feel about things and tell you about the anger and I bring it and then it results in; “ oh you know, we’re going to be taking stuff away because I spoke to my supervisor and that’s what we’re going to try now.” So I’m fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t, so why try? Just tell me what it is you want (with boundaries) and we’ll go with it.”

Sienna said “ Is that what life feels like? No matter what you do, you’re fucked anyway.”

I said “Yup,”

Sienna said “Does that happen a lot?”

Fuck sake Sienna. I’m not going down this road again. Don’t give me your therapy bullshit. I didn’t answer her.

Sienna said  “Tell me what that’s like?”

I said huffily “Use your imagination.”

She said “No, I want to hear it from you.”

Well that’s tough luck.

Sienna asked “ What’s it like to never get your way?

I am not playing this game. Why does any of this matter? Just tell me the frigging boundaries. I refused to speak to her.

After some silence Sienna says “ Tell me what your options are, if I’m not available.”

I thought to myself, why does it matter what my option are? Don’t abandon me and then pretend you give a shit what I do when distressed and you’re refusing to be there.

I said abruptly “ Why?”

Sienna said “ So that I know you’re thinking for yourself.”

Insulting!!!

I said indignantly “ I do think for myself thanks.”

Sienna nodded “ Yeah, I think you do.”

I said “ and what I do about… when you’re not there is not really any of your business.”

Sienna said “ That sounds really angry.”

I said “ Well you don’t get to know, it’s none of your business. You don’t want to know what I do or how I feel or what’s happening for me outside of here, so….”

Sienna said “That’s not what I was asking. I was asking that when you are distressed and I’m not available, who else do you turn to?”

I spat out “ Why’s it relevant? Who would you like me to turn to?”

Sienna said over me “ Because I care.”

I paused and then said “ Right, that’s a shit answer. Why is it relevant?”

Sienna said “ Caring does not mean being there 24/7.”

Ugh this again.

I said “ I HAVE NOT ASKED YOU TO BE THERE 24/7. So STOP saying it!!!”

Sienna said “ Caring isn’t even about being available to text me. Caring is about making sure that you’ve got enough resources…”

I interrupted quietly and firmly “ It’s not up to you, it doesn’t matter, that’s my problem.”

I knew I was pushing her buttons.

Sienna said, “ So why are you angry about it then?”

I said “ Because you are taking away something I want and need. Why would I not be angry about that? All the blame is on me, for this.”

Sienna interjected “ No, there is no blame.”

I said sarcastically “ Oh, I think there is.”

Sienna said “ Sirena, there isn’t any blame.”

I said “ So WHY am I the only one in this that’s coming out of it worse off?”

Sienna said “ Well that’s a perception, so I want you to tell me about that.”

FFS… Is she going for the Guiness book of records for most obvious and therapisty things said in an hour?

I didn’t answer her.

Sienna asked “ Why do you think no having me at the end of a text is going to make it worse for you?”

Seriously? Does she not know the answer to this?

I said petulantly “ It won’t.”

Sienna said “ Who or what else can you use for that?”

Is she genuinely this stupid? Does she genuinely not get what this feels like to me?

The sheer frustration and rage and grief at losing my support person was overtaking me again.

I said “ I just don’t know how you and your process somehow impacts me, this has been about you this week, not me.”

This all started with her process of disconnecting from me before her breaks, yet here I am being told I am losing her support the rest of the year round, how is this fair?

Sienna replied “ Exactly. Absolutely. You’re absolutely 100% right. And if you like this is something to try in order to protect both of us so that our therapy continues …..”

I interrupted her “ Why do you need protected from me? What have I done that you need protected from?

I could feel angry tears building again.

Sienna explained “ human nature says..

I laughed slightly with mirth. Sienna stopped what she was saying clearly a bit annoyedand said “ Oh, I’m not human? Is that it? Is that what you feel? How dare I be human, I’m a therapist? Do you not think we are human?”

I shrugged nonchalantly “ It’s hard to tell.”

Sienna said “ oh, I nearly smiled there. I think you nearly did too.”

Despite my anger I laughed. Because I knew I’d annoyed her and I felt proud of my effort.

I said “ You talk about human you, but then there’s other times that you say that I don’t get to know human you, that I am only allowed to know therapist you, that that’s all you should be to me. But then when it suits I’ve to take into account human you?”

Sienna said, “ I don’t think it’s that black and white”

I rolled my eyes and mimicked her “ black and white, black and white..”

Sienna said “ yep, it’s not black and white, there’s shades of grey in that.”

What-EVS!!

We sat in silence.

Sienna eventually said “ I know it sounds and feels hard, I get it. But the bit that I didn’t realise, or appreciate fully, was how I…. I sit wondering when the next text is going to come in and you sit waiting on an answer that either doesn’t come or is the wrong thing.”

I angrily “ I think that’s a little bit of an over-dramatization, that you sit and wait for the next text coming in. If that was the case you’d be quicker at answering them.”

BOOM! Drop the Mic.

But seriously, don’t lie to me. Don’t make like you’re some put upon therapist who’s being worked into the ground by the big bad persecuting client.

She never replied to that.

I felt so angry and so… demonised.

I said to her, holding back angry tears “ I like how you and your supervisor can sit and intellectualise about MY life and make decisions on my behalf when it doesn’t affect either of you.”

Sienna said softly. “ But it is affecting me. And if it affects me, then it starts to affect you. And I am so, so proud and blown over by your clarity around the need for supervision and how important it is and I’ve sat here and on the phone with you trying to work it out, acknowledging that I can’t work this out, that I needed a second pair of eyes on it.

When you wanted your second session every fortnight, I wasn’t sure about that, but I went with it and it’s proved really useful.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt hurt that she said she hadn’t been sure about doing the second session, it felt like rejection. Like she didn’t want to see me more than once per week. It felt like this session was just dropping bombs all the time.

Sienna continued “ I get the feeling that any change for you feels like something is getting taken away…”

“Well it’s never in my benefit.” I spat.

Sienna said “ Well you don’t know this, Sirena, until we try it”

I said “ I DO know this, because we have tried it before.”

She didn’t say anything.

I said brusquely “ Just do what you want. Just tell me what it is to be from now on, what are we doing?”

Sienna said “ I would like you to agree to just do our 6 sessions a month.”

That sounded so pitiful. I felt like the earth had just rolled away from me. And the whooshing of rejection and abandonment filled up the room until I couldn’t breathe. I felt pushed away. Minimised. And she was basically not only taking away texting now but it sounded like any option of even a call if I needed it. And I hadn’t done anything wrong! It wasn’t fair. I felt completely dropped. Dumped like trash.

I said “ Well, I’m not agreeing to it.”

Sienna said after a pause. “ What do you want – instead?”

I said “ Nothing.”

It felt impossible. I felt betrayed and abandoned and I feel so alone.

I said with so much anger “ I am DONE here. I am done. I am fucking so done. “

Sienna asked “ And is that a usual reaction? Because that’s a really angry reaction to suddenly pull the plug on something because of a change.”

I raised my voice “ Because that doesn’t work for me, so if it doesn’t work and this doesn’t work for you…”

Sienna said “ you don’t know that yet (that is won’t work for you.)”

I said “ no, I DO know, I ABSOLUTELY know because I know myself better than you do. So I’m not doing it.”

Sienna said “ I think you underestimate yourself.”

I interrupted “ Oh no, I absolutely don’t underestimate myself, I am perfectly capable of knowing what I can do and what I can’t or won’t do. So….”

I trailed off. What else is there to say? We are at an impasse.

Sienna said “ Taking away contact from me in between sessions, is an adjustment. It’s not something that is needs to be the end of the road for us. It’s about then looking for other resources…”

I spoke over her “ It’s about trust. What else down the road gets changed? What else gets taken away from me that I don’t want..”

Sienna said “ I don’t have a crystal ball!”

I said sarcastically “ Good! Good for you.”

Sienna continued “ I don’t have a crystal ball.”

I said “ that’s a convenient excuse isn’t it?”

Sienna said “ That’s life actually. None us have that.”

I felt patronised. “ I don’t need to be told about life.”

Sienna said “ I’m not telling you anything about life, I’m just telling you that actually,  nobody knows what’s down the road.”

I said “ I don’t care. I don’t care.”

Sienna said “ Well, I think you do care. Because you sound really angry.”

I said “ YES I’m angry.”

Silence.

I added “ If I could keep the traditional boundaries that are expected I would have been seeing someone in my hometown and not making the journey here once or twice a week. Why do you think I’m doing that? If I was capable of those type of boundaries then therapy would have worked years ago with the first therapist I was with. If those boundaries worked for me I’d be somewhere else, I wouldn’t even have landed here.”

Sienna said “ Well, maybe it’s time to try other boundaries and try other changes.”

My voice now wavering “ No, I’m not going to.”

Sienna continued “ Because like anything in life until we try it, you don’t know…”

I raised my voice “ We HAVE tried it, we did do it. Do you not remember September last year (massive rupture)?Do you not remember the rupture? Do you not remember what happened after that? No?”

Sienna nodded that she did remember.

So if she remembers, then why is she putting forward something that didn’t work before?

Sienna said “ I think you can do this.”

In that moment I thought I might explode or literally start throwing shit. I jumped forward in my seat and leaned in to her and stared her straight in the face…

“ Do you realise that I have done it my entire- fucking- life, ALL by myself?” My voice was breaking with sheer heartbreak and devastation. Tears ran down my face.

“ and I’ve kept it in all by myself. I CAN DO IT!! I can do it until the cows come home. I don’t WANT to do it. I don’t want to do it that way.”

I sat back again. Folded in on myself.

Sienna said “ Tell me what’s hard about doing it that way?”

I was sobbing by now “ Just leave me. Just…”

Sienna said firmly “ Sirena, tell me what’s hard about doing it that way?”

I was lost in my grief. “ no. No. Leave me.”

Sienna moved over in her seat towards me. “ tell me what’s hard, because you’re not going to be on your own. You’ve done it all your life, on your own, keeping it in to yourself. But this is not about you being on your own. This is about making a change to ensure that we can still work together. And that we are BOTH okay in it. This is not about leaving you.”

I interjected “ It IS, it IS!!”

How can she not see this. Why doesn’t she see what this is doing to me? How can she not see how impacted I will be. How can she know the pain I hold and knowingly make me experience it alone?

Sienna said “ No, it’s not!”

I looked up, face flushed and dripping in tears and etched with pain and said “ Well who do you suggest I phone when I have my nightmares and things like that? Will I phone my mum? “ Mum, guess what? I had a nightmare about my Dad fucking me last night, what do you think about that? Can I have some support?”

We both sat for a moment, me shocked by what I’d just said. I’d meant to shock her. I’d meant to reveal the exact explicit nature of my dreams in a way I’d only alluded to before. I’d meant to shock her into the reality that the things I’m dealing with, I can’t turn to other people about. Who else can I tell? If not her, then who?

I certainly shocked her. But I shocked both of us. I’ve never used words like that and I’ve never told her the disgusting details.

I sat still, suddenly regretting saying it. The ugliness of those words.

I folded in on myself, put my head in my hands. Shame.

Sienna spoke softly. “ Is that what happened?”

I cried “ noooooo!”

Sienna came over and sat beside me. I sat back in the sofa, to get distance from her and in pure defeat. Tears blinding me.

She sat back too and tried to cuddle me. I leaned away. “ Leave me…”

Sienna said firmly as I half pushed her and fought her off to leave me alone “ NO! No.” She drew me into her. And I sat there, still, hands covering my face, feeling like I was breaking open.

Sienna spoke quietly to me. Rocking me and smoothing my hair. I cried “ It didn’t happen. It was just a dream.”

Sienna just kept repeating “ I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m here.”

At one point I think she tells me I’m safe and I lose it. I sound so traumatised in the tape and so young.

“ I’m not safe, I’m not safe, I’ll never be safe. I’m never going to be safe…!!!”

Sheer terror. And devastation.

Sienna says “ Yes you are. Yes.You.ARE.”

I just cry and cry.

Part 1 : Rupture.

Thursday 13th July.

I sat down, guarded and apprehensive of what was to come from this session. I was nervous.

Sienna asked how I was and where I was at with it all? I shrugged.

I said I didn’t know, and asked her where she was at with it all? She said she was just curious about what’s been playing out between us and she said that she’d taken her withdrawal and her unawareness of what’s going on to Supervision. She said that her supervisor had been extremely sympathetic towards both of us and could feel the pull from both of us; my fear around breaks and everything that goes with that but also Sienna’s unconscious pulling away (from me) because she knows that my fears and subsequent escalation is coming when breaks approach. Sienna said she agreed with her supervisor, that perhaps Sienna gets anxious about my extreme fear around breaks and is anticipating that happening and she feels the intensity coming from me at a time she’s trying to wind down towards the break and she unconsciously is pulling away from that intensity.

I listened and didn’t say much. I knew there would be more to come. And there was.

Sienna said “ She also suggested about re-contracting around texting.”

I felt familiar dread and fear and anger. “ Oh here we go… Quelle Surprise.” I thought bitterly.

I steeled myself.

Sienna continued “ She thought potentially and she’s probably right, at this stage, so… over two years now, that it’s not proving helpful for either of us. Because you either don’t get the answer you want or the answer you’re looking for and it stops you from potentially using your own resources or other supports in your life to help during those times. And I personally feel it’s my fault, that I’ve fallen into a trap of allowing that to happen, and I really apologise for that. Because I think it’s one of these unconscious things, that you feel as if you’re doing it for good reason and it seems good but eventually it’s not. And that’s fully my fault.

But what goes on for you when I say that?”

I said abruptly and with a sullen tone “ Does it matter?”

Clearly they’ve made their mind up between them, so what difference does it make what I think? But I was fucking furious. Enraged. For so many reasons.

Her little spiel about at this stage I shouldn’t need the texting or that it wasn’t working? That is so oversimplified and insulting to me but also to them as supposedly experienced therapists to come up with such an utter basic understand of what’s going on. It was a lazy attempt at really understanding anything and that pissed me off.

Who are they to decide how long something should take me? Who’s timeline am I on exactly because I assumed since it’s my therapy that I’m paying for that I get to move at my own pace.

Thirdly, texting stops me from using my own resources? Really? Again, fucking basic and fucking insulting!!! How. Dare. They.

Do they think that I got to my thirties without any resources? Do they think I survived many traumas, emotional abuse, neglect, developmental trauma and everything else life has thrown at me…. Without having resources? Without being independent and getting myself out of terrible situations?? Seriously????

Okay, the resources weren’t great, I split, fragmented into parts and I self-harmed, occasionally overdosed, and I dissociated heavily. But I survived. I got out and I lived, I worked and I got married and I bought my own home when I was 20 years old.

So don’t tell me I don’t use my own resources. I live with this shit every day of my life. I struggle every single day. I have carried so much pain and hurt and abandonment and abuse my entire life and still hold it by myself every hour of every day. And I am not in contact with Sienna every minute of every day. Not even through texting…. So I AM using my own resources and I am working damn hard to make my life better. Sorry if you deem the texting too frequent, I am sorry to inconvenience your day occasionally. But if you carried what I do… you’d want the odd bit of support too. Let’s see you do fucking better!

My God I was sitting there so angry.

Sienna asked “ Why do you think it doesn’t matter?

I laughed briefly “ Cos it doesn’t.”

Sienna said “ Why do you think I don’t care whether it matters or not? I think it matters. I think it’s important we discuss it.”

I said haughtily “ What is there to discuss? It’s not a discussion, so… stop the texting, fine.”

Sienna said “ Well what do you think?”

I was getting so angry that I could barely contain it.

I raised my voice “ It doesn’t MATTER what I think about it.”

Sienna said “ well you sound really angry, so obviously it does matter.” She was doing that therapist-y thing where she keeps her voice even and non-confrontational and it bugged me.

I said nothing. I looked away into space, arms folded, trying not to combust into rage and probably tears.

I decided to let rip.

“ Well firstly it annoy me the comment that by two years I should be better or…”

Sienna interjected “ No that’s not… don’t take that out of context..”

I spoke over her, my tone dripping with sarcasm “ Oh, so now I’m being black and white right now, because that’s what I always do, right?”

She said nothing.

I continued “ I tell you what I’m thinking and feeling and then you challenge me on it sooooo what’s the point?”

Sienna said “ Welll…. Ok on you go, I’m just saying in context it’s not that black and white.”

I refused. I just sat looking away.

Sienna said “ This is not about blame or anything else, this is a comment on process… and about things that happen because we’re human –“

I interjected “ If the texting was 100% working all the time, then this conversation wouldn’t be happening.”

My point being that they are fine with the texting when it’s all positive, but when it causes me upset because of my history, instead of helping me explore what’s behind that (therapy gold, by-theway) that, they instantly conclude that texting is the issue and not my shitty history that makes me feel a certain way and use it as an opportunity to explore those deep issues. Instead they want to shut it all down. Texting is not the issue and they can’t see that.

Sienna said that her supervisor was saying “that before texting ever existed, the only way therapy could be done is face to face. And to a certain extent that’s absolutely where it should be.”

I said immediately “ right, well let’s leave it there.”

I was so sick of this shit. I didn’t want to fight for something she wasn’t going to give me anyway. I felt so angry. I am sick of therapists harping back to the “old days” wistfully, when mobile phones and emails didn’t exist, when they didn’t have to deal with clients outside the therapy room. News-flash – 1990 is gone. This is 2017, fucking deal with it.

We sat for a couple of minutes in silence. I was sitting so still. But inside I was melting with rage and fear and sadness. There was no outward sign that I was feeling anything and that’s just the way I wanted it. I didn’t want her to see any of my feelings, she didn’t deserve to. She was not to be trusted with anything to do with me.

Sienna said with a tone that’s hard to explain, sort of on alert, upset maybe or just trying to stay calm… I don’t know.

“ I think you’re really angry.”

I said under my breath “ So?” I was looking away from her.

Sienna said “ So, talk to me, tell me what it’s about.”

I shouted over her in a voice that was obviously wavering with emotion “ NOOOOOO!!”

God, I wish she’d leave me alone. This was excruciating. My whole body was feeling ramped up emotion and pain.

Sienna persisted. “ Why do you say no?”

I didn’t answer. And finally I said angrily “ Because you’re not asking for me input about it. That’s what you want to happen so….whatever, I don’t care.”

I knew I sounded like a petulant teen.

Sienna said in a measured tone “ I’m telling you what’s been suggested and she’s also suggested we talk about it which is what I’m trying to do.”

I sat thinking “ well they obviously think they have all the answers, they think texts should be stopped and ideally only contact in session, so WTF does it matter what my opinion is? My opinion means shit. There is no conversation to be had. Sienna wants to leave me to deal with shit on my own unless I’m in front of her. That would be her choice. So why the fuck bother asking me about something I don’t have any control over. What? They want me to show how hurt and scared and vulnerable I feel just so they can say “ well tough, this is the way it has to be?” No fucking way. No way am I giving them that opportunity.

Sienna tried again “ Give me your input then.”

I said “ I’ve told you. I don’t have any input. If that’s what’s to happen, that’s what’s to happen – go for it.”

I added “ You put the boundaries where you think they should be.. ugh, I don’t even care.”

Sienna said “ Well I care. Cos this is not about… you sound angry and what I’m trying to do is find a way to help protect both of us. And I can only do that with your input.”

I said “ WHAT input do YOU want? What do you want me to say?”

Sienna said “ Well what does it mean to you if the texting stops?”

I said haughtily “ you know what it means to me, because it’s been two years we’ve been working on the same things, so you know me and you know what it means to me.”

I added “ So, the need’s there, you can’t meet it, fuck it, who cares?!!!!”

Sienna said “ Well what options….”

I interrupted her with a raised voice “ There is NO other options, I DON’T KNOW!! You are the therapist, you deal with it.”

She was the one taking something away that I needed, so why the fuck was I to come up with a solution? I can’t tell her what she’s capable of or what she wants and this is all about her so fucking deal with it Sienna.

Sienna said “ No, this is a joint work. I want to discuss –“

I interjected quietly but sullenly “ It’s not a joint work though is it?”

Sienna continued “ What are your options if you can’t contact me? What do you do instead?

I felt the space open up inside of me, the feeling of utter abandonment. She was now looking for ways to palm me off, it felt like she was creating more and more space. It felt like a death to me. She knows I have little in the way of outside support. She knows my situation and she knows my lack of supportive parenting, so why is she asking redundant questions? And why is she pretending like she cares?

I said “ I do what I’ve done my entire life and I deal with it by myself.”

I added sarcastically “ There you go, you have your answer – AND you forced pills on me, so now I have pills that I can take.”

Sienna took a second and then said “ The pills were never forced on you, they’re there and they’re your choice whether you take them.”

I spoke over her “ They were (forced on me.) You forced me to speak to my Dr, which I didn’t want to do….”

Sienna nodded emphatically and said “ Yup.”

I continued “ I got pills which I didn’t want to do. And I’ve done everything you’ve wanted, I’ve went along with whatever boundaries you’ve suggested and it’s still not right…. So I don’t know! (what else I can do.)

I was so angry that I was actually struggling a bit to get my sentences out.

Sienna said in a low calm voice “ Sirena. Tell me why you’re angry.”

I was thinking because I want you to leave me the fuck alone. Because you are not safe. Because I am sick of this shit. I am sick of people fucking up and then me having to pay the price.

But I didn’t answer her. She wasn’t getting anything out of me.

Sienna asked “ What’s behind the anger?”

I said sarcastically whilst not looking at her but challenging her “ What DO you think is behind the anger?”

Sienna said “ I don’t know, you tell me.”

This felt like a stupid fucking game. She knows me, She knows why… so why is she making me say it?

Sienna added “ I’m asking you.”

I refused to say it. I was not going to be all needy and vulnerable in front of someone who’d just royally fucked me over.

She kept pushing “ What are you angry about?

I finally spoke “ I am angry that you get so fixated on boundaries and safety and you get so fixated on it that you actually do more harm than good! And you ALL (therapists as a collective) do it. You all fucking do it, and I am SICK of being at the end of it.”

Sienna was speaking over me “ What happens when there’s no boundaries, what happens….”

I shouted really angrily over her “ I DON’T CARE!!!!!!

Sienna kept talking almost with urgency or exasperation or something “ Well tell me what are boundaries for you? What are they then?”

I refused to answer. I refused to look at her, my head was turned completely away from her. Her questions were getting underneath my skin. Her questions were making my body physically hurt and all I wanted to do was make her stop. I felt the energy in the room ramp up. I felt my defences were being poked at and my usual anger or shut down wasn’t making her go away.

Sienna said urgently, knowing she was getting somewhere, knowing she was really pushing me

“ TELL me how angry they make you? LOOK at me.”

I cried at her “ Noooooooo!”

“Take your hands away from your face –“

“NOOOO, NOOOOO!!!!Noooo!”

“ Take your hands away from your face and look at me. Tell me! Shout at me! I don’t care.!

I was crying and feeling too much pain, and I felt… I don’t know, I felt this inexplicable bodily pain, like an energy, she was kicking down my walls and I didn’t want it. It really hurt. She wasn’t letting this go and I knew she wouldn’t. I felt threatened.

I cried and said quietly “ No.”

She started talking and I said over her “ Leave me. Please leave me.”

Sienna continued “ Why are boundaries so hard? What do they mean for you?

Silence.

“What goes on for you when I talk about them?”

I was completely turned away from her. My hands shielding my face. Tear spilling over.

Sienna said softly “ Tell me what the tears are about?”

I said “ I’m not crying, leave me alone.” I didn’t want her to know or see that I was crying.

Sienna said semi firmly “ No, I care too much.”

Saying she cared made so fucking angry. How dare she. Why is she tricking me with those words? Why is she trying to draw me in with promises of care and being looked after when the proof is that she draws me in with those promises and then drops me when I seem like too much.

It hurt me that she was using mind games on me.

“ NO YOU DON’T CARE, JUST STOP SAYING THAT… STOP….”

Sienna said “ I do care.”

I said in a small voice “ Stop.”

Why would she stop talking????

Sienna continued “ because no matter what we go through, I’m going to be here.

I said over her in the same small defeated voice “ no you’re not… (then say something I can’t hear.)

Sienna talked over me “ Yes I AM. But we are both human and sometimes our needs clash or ones there more than the other, lots of different things but I’m really interested to know, NEED to know from you what it is about setting boundaries, is so…. So emotive for you?”

I didn’t have an answer for her. I didn’t know what causes such a traumatic response. I have no memories of what boundaries meant for me in childhood. What was it that did this much damage?

I finally said crying “ Because mine don’t get listened to, and I’m always at the receiving end of everybody else’s.”

Sienna said “ Is that fair? That yours don’t get listened to? Who doesn’t listen to them?

I say something that’s incoherent on the audio.

Sienna keeps pushing “ Who else? Who else doesn’t listen to your boundaries?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t even think properly, I couldn’t think what my boundaries even were really or how they’d been invalidated. I was so far regressed and within a traumatic flashback that I felt so young and didn’t understand about boundaries. I was getting so tired. Sienna was pushing me to give up my secrets, of what I hold inside. I think she must have seen I’d regressed and that she was speaking to a child and she wasn’t going to let me put up defences that mean I keep holding all the pain in by myself, so she pushed.

Sienna persisted “ Could you not tell anybody what your needs were? Who else always got their own way?”

I said something over her but I can’t hear what it was.

“ Who else always got their own way, when you didn’t?”

I said in a child’s voice “ I don’t know.”

Sienna said “ You do know.”

I ignored her. I had my face covered by my hands, and was faced away from her.

Sienna said “ Why are you hiding?”

I cried/shouted “  LEAVE ME!-  ‘Cos I want you to leave me!”

Sienna said firmly – “ I’m not leaving you. That’s the easy way out. Don’t avoid this, this is important. This is important stuff.”

I didn’t answer her.

Sienna asked again “ What does it mean to you when someone is getting what they want and you’re not getting what you want?”

I said “ I DON’T know.”

Sienna tried a new tact “ Tell me what it feels like then.”

I shrugged. “ I don’t know.”

Sienna said “ You were really angry.”

I didn’t say anything. I remained still.

Sienna continued “ Is that what you used to do back then? You’d get really angry but not show it and go and hide?”

I sat still, listening to her but not answering. The air was concentrated, thick with charged air. It felt like soup, and not something I could get away from.

I started to dissociate (more). I could feel myself detaching. I was no longer crying and I was just staring into space.

Sienna said “ Sirena, look at me.”

I wouldn’t move.

Sienna said “ Tell me what’s going through your head?”

I said quietly “ Nothing is going through my head.”

Sienna said “ I don’t believe you.”

I said nothing.

Sienna said “ I think you’ve dissociated a bit. I want you to come back and tell me how you’re feeling.”

Time to be brave.

Time to be brave. Time to listen to my recording of the session which I think began the most recent rupture in therapy.

It seems strange but I can’t actually remember what kicked it all off.

So, I’ve just read back over the past 3 weeks. What started this rupture was me trying to explore why I get so upset or triggered when Sienna can’t be there for me outside of sessions or when I am already triggered and reach out and don’t get what I need from her. I didn’t approach it as a criticism of Sienna, but rather as a “I want to fix this, why do I feel like this? What is at the root of it? I need to understand so that I can begin to fix this trigger.”

Sienna was unwell with a virus and also approaching another holiday time so she was tired and not firing on all cylinders. And she seemed to take off in the totally wrong direction and began a discussion about boundaries and possibly excluding texting. I felt confused and hurt because I hadn’t done anything wrong to merit the “boundaries” talk. I had done nothing wrong to merit taking away my text support. Yet here I was being punished it would seem. And it triggered my abandonment issues, and just about every other trigger I have. I was angry.

For several sessions and phone-calls, we just seemed to be talking at each other, not really getting what the other was saying. I grew increasingly more distressed and triggered as we just didn’t seem to be getting things sorted out.

All of this made me feel distant from Sienna and desperately needing her but continually not getting what I needed from her and every communication just seemed to make things worse. The whole thing was also putting me in touch with the original wound- the developmental trauma and my mother’s abandonment. So, I was triggered AND grieving the real losses. It was so huge and I didn’t realise I was smack bang in a huge flashback.

The Thursday session that I am going to write about now was when we were right in the thick of things. I knew going into the session that Sienna had been for supervision that day and I knew that she’s probably be told to take the texting away. I was angry and closed off and bitter and so totally terrified of Sienna taking away the texting support.

In hindsight, it was Sofia who took that session. But I didn’t know that at the time. I wasn’t aware I’d switched.

This is just a recap of what led to this session.

I am going to split the session into several blog post because it’s super long. And also it’s really intense and potentially very triggering so I ask that readers practice really good self-care and consider whether they’re in the right place to be reading about really complex and highly emotive subjects.

I also respectfully ask that if you feel triggered by what you read and you feel like you have criticisms of how all this was handled by me or my therapist that you wait until you’re less triggered and can perhaps comment in a constructive and non-judgemental way.

The reason I ask this is that I’m still feeling vulnerable and scared of how things might turn out in my therapy and what I may face ahead of me and I am less able to cope with harsh judgements.

The problem with disorganised attachment.

Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to remember to take notes on any thoughts that drift up. So often I sit almost frozen and feel and hear random emotions and thoughts and they seem to disappear almost as quickly as they arrived. I never get conscious enough to remember to write them down. It’s almost as if I watch them come and go, passively.

I have some notes from when I’ve remembered to write down what I hear. I don’t have much to be honest. But most of the notes consist of fears around attachment and Sienna taking away texting.

It’s a bit disjointed since I’ve written them at different times. Here’s what I’ve got….

 

“ I react like I’ve already lost it. Like I’ve already lost a person. Like a catastrophic event has already happened.”

**********************************************************************

“ I am grieving for something that hasn’t even happened yet and might not happen (termination/abandonment) The grief is acute; like my soulmate just died or something.”

*********************************************************************

“ We can do no contact outside of session. I can do that. It will feel hard but it isn’t impossible. But I don’t want to. It’s not what I want and it’s not what I need.”

***************************************************************************

“ To be told to hold it myself- no matter the reason, just puts me back to square one. It puts me back to repressing and having to desperately shut it all away, stuff it back in the box that we just unpacked and the pain of having to do it is intolerable. It recreates my old life where there was no other choice but to hide it, repress it and hold it all by myself and the pain and weight of doing so is just so huge”

********************************************************************************

Back then there was no other choice but to hold it by myself. There was no one to trust with it and no one to witness it.

But now, now you’ve heard it, seen it, witnessed it, helped me drag it out that tightly sealed box onto the floor to sift through and then you decided you don’t want to deal with it so much anymore. You are telling me to gather it all up and fling it back in the box and we can take one item out per session. And until then I must carry it by myself, regardless of how hard that might be. It feels intolerably cruel.

And that’s worse than when I had no one to tell. Because you DO know. You see what I have to carry and you choose to allow me to hold it by myself once again. It’s like you really see me struggling and in pain but turn away. And that’s hard for me to see or understand.

And my reaction to that is to want to detach, to reduce my presence in your life, to shrink away and to hold closer all the pain because I no longer want you to come near me, or it. And it hurts to do that. It hurts to have to. But if I don’t do that and remain open to you and allowing you to witness when I’m in intolerable agony then I have to face how painful it is that you’re choosing to have me hold it by myself and that’s a pain to hard to bear. It’s just easier to hide it from you in the first place. Also, it feels like a replay of what my parents did; they left me to hold my own pain. They knew it was there and they chose to pretend they didn’t see it.

But where does that leave us? If I am so protective over my pain, if I refuse to have it witnessed, then what’s the point in therapy?

What can we work on? What is safe for me to talk about that doesn’t cause me so much hurt, that I won’t take into my week where I am left to hold it by myself again?

 

And Sofia came in a wrote a letter too.

 

Sienna,

I can’t do both. I can’t stay attached AND keep distance. To feel connection and be so scared by it that I need constant reassurance and then reach out for it and be told I can’t have that steady reassurance that I have to feel this stuff all by myself… it’s more than I can bear.

I feel sad that the sexual abuse stuff is deemed more important and more worthy of attention and connection and reassurance than the attachment trauma.

That once again, the child parts are more important than the teens terror at allowing herself to trust and stay connected with an adult.

Sirena can text for support about a nightmare because that’s worthy of attention but the PTSD symptoms that come from staying in relationship…. They can wait, they don’t deserve care or help or soothing.

How can it be that certain traumas now have a hierarchy of importance? Who gets to decide that?

I am Sofia, I AM the teen part. I AM important and I deserve help. I am the part who got Sirena through her life. I AM the protector.

I fought. ME. I got her through it, I took the pain, the humiliation, the neglect and the abuse and I turned it all into my strength. I am the protector and the defender. I was the one who made sure she got out, I was the one who made sure she didn’t break.

So I deserve care and attention when I need it. I am important too. Don’t tell me when I am struggling that it’s okay for me to wait until session. It’s not nice and it’s not fair.

You are ignoring me and telling me my pain is to be held by me alone. You are not seeing me and you are not hearing me and you are just recreating the aloneness I had when Sirena was a teenager.

When is someone going to be there for me?

***********************************************************************************

 

That’s the end of my notes. Not sure I’m any clearer to be honest.

Swimming in it.

It’s day 6 of a 14 day therapy break. I’m not getting through this one quite as easily as the last few. I knew I wouldn’t, I could feel it before Sienna even left that this break might be tough for me.

I think there has been a lot stirred up in the past few weeks, maybe even the past few months and I find myself trying to consolidate all that’s happened and try to make sense of it all. But I can’t make sense of it, I can’t sense where I am in this process.

There’s been a lot of material and I feel like I’m swimming amongst it all, not really able to get my bearings.

I know I’ve been feeling a sense of muted sadness this past week. And little bubbles of anger spring up… anger towards therapy, anger towards Sienna, anger towards our “relationship” – whatever that means. There aren’t many thoughts or images that come with the anger. It’s just a brief awareness of it being there before it dissipates, until next time.

And I find myself feeling fearful. I am scared of the depth of our work. I am scared of the things I might need to face soon; like the limitation of the therapy relationship, Sienna’s limitations which in turn forces me to touch on the real wound, which is of course my mother’s abandonment of me. Facing that grief hurts so badly and sends me to such a dark place. It’s not just her abandonment though, it’s the implications of it that still reverberate in my life in present day. The abandonment didn’t just play out once, a very long time ago, it wasn’t a single event but several events repeated over and over; both physical and emotional rejection and neglect which still happens to this day.

I find myself seeking in Sienna what my own mother can’t give me. I push for it, I need it. I desperately try to find solace in what Sienna can and does give me and I try to make it enough. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough and then it hurts, because it feels like she’s withholding from me, deliberately not giving me something I so desperately need and want. And the searing pain from that makes me want to run far away from her and from therapy.

You know, I sense Sienna’s confusion sometimes. Sometimes I see the confusion on her face. And I see her wonder why what she’s giving isn’t enough when it feels like to her that she’s working flat out to give me all she has. I see her trying to work out what I want, what I need. What is it I’m asking for?

And I can’t tell her the answer. I can’t tell her because I don’t really know the answer. Everything becomes foggy and confusing for me too. I don’t know why it doesn’t feel enough, I don’t know what else she could do for me? I don’t know what more I want from her and I don’t even know what I am asking of her.

It is too obvious and simplistic to say I am asking her to be my mother and that’s why it doesn’t feel enough. There is that element in the mix to be sure! Yet when I imagine her being my mother, of making that transition to mother instead of my therapist, I feel a loss, I feel slightly ill at the idea. It just doesn’t feel right. Because in some ways, Sienna gives me more as my therapist than she probably could as my mother. I need her to be my therapist. Yet sometimes it doesn’t feel enough and that causes pain and anger. The separation of our roles as therapist and client hurts me a lot.

Maybe that’s the source of the pain, it’s the separation of us. The things that divide us, the things that prevent some sort of symbiosis from happening that is causing me so much fear and pain and rejection. For safety and for other obvious reasons, symbiosis isn’t healthy in adults and Sienna works hard to keep things safe and to prevent things becoming too murky and symbiotic yet for me, I feel that as rejection.

I am scared of the challenges ahead. I feel like we’ve powered down through a lot of the bullshit defences and Sienna is getting close to some really painful and previously heavily defended places. In truth, I don’t even know what’s there. And that is scary, I feel like I’m flying blind right now.

I also feel like we are swimming in so much stuff that none of us have time to stand back and look at what’s really happening. It feels like there is SO much unconscious/sub-conscious material and dynamics kicking off and it isn’t being paid attention to.

It’s like we are constantly fire-fighting lately. Lurching from one drama to the next. It feels a bit unfair and flippant to call them “dramas” because whatever’s come up for me has been important to me and things I’ve struggled with and it’s all needed attended to.

But within those mini-dramas, those little fires that have needed put out, has been some very important but overlooked dynamics playing out.

For example ; I have stopped bringing in my art journal, I have stopped writing in it or drawing in it. Why? I stopped around the time Sienna brought my old journal out and started listing all the parts names and ages from their art work and letters to her. In the session she did that, I had a HUGE dissociation. And a few weeks after that, in another session where I said I was terminating, I took my old journal back (something I’ve never done before) and I have never returned it to her. Isn’t she interested to know why?

I’ve also stopped talking about the parts, stopped talking for them, stopped talking about my experience of them. I don’t know why. But I feel huge resistance to even admit they’re there. And I am getting a lot less feed-back from them, I don’t seem to ever know who is talking or feeling things. It’s like I’ve suddenly gone back to being quite unaware of them.

There’s lots of things like that, that I can’t recall right now. But it just seems like we’ve become so emerged in week to week dramas that we’ve lost sight of the bigger picture.

And this week, I just have all this stuff swirling around my head.

And one of the sessions that I still haven’t written about and can’t yet…. The one from 2 weeks ago which was so huge and impactful that I still can’t bring myself to listen and write about. And I can’t understand why it brings me so much fear to recall it.

I remember being very angry. I remember Sienna really pushing me hard and not letting me off the hook and not letting me retreat inside of myself. I remember feeling so much fear in my whole body and every-time she spoke to me I felt so viscerally, enormous threat and fear. It was almost a dissociation or something. She’s never pushed me so hard. No one has. Most people back off.

I remember shouting at her to leave me alone and she wouldn’t.

When I recall it, I find myself feeling a tiny bit impressed that Sienna wouldn’t let me scare her off. But mostly that gets overtaken with the huge fear I had at the time.

That session seems so important, because it was the first real show of true anger in her presence. Yes, I’ve raged in emails and texts and even on the phone. But I’ve never been able to bring that level of anger to her in person. So, in that respect it was progress.

But it has to have been one of the most unpleasant, terrifying sessions of my life. I felt like my whole body was being pushed to breaking point. It really hurt.

I can’t even remember much more of it now, except that it scares me to imagine listening to it again. And our rupture, which came before or after that session, I’m not sure… that still needs to be sorted when she comes back. Yet I have no memory of why it happened. Or what it was about. I know it has something to do with boundaries. I remember asking to deal with it once she comes back her holiday. But I’m going to have to read back my blog posts to understand what it was all about.

And I just don’t want to deal with any of it. I want to walk away from all of this stuff. It feels too hard and painful to dig through.

I just feel so yucky. So many emotions swirling around inside and resentment that Sienna has gone away once again.