Well, I am in full avoidance mode. And it feels awful.
Once again, I am experiencing a huge avoidance of therapy. It seems ridiculous that last week I asked for a second session because I felt so awful and so in need of it and now here I am literally feeling so adverse to going today.
I saw Sienna on Saturday. And the huge need to be there that I’d felt last Wednesday was gone by Saturday and so we just chatted. We didn’t really get much therapy work done as I wasn’t really in touch with any of my emotions or trauma stuff.
It wasn’t until hours later that the young parts began raising their feelings about Sienna and therapy and their feeling that Sienna has abandoned them. They feel detached from her and from the therapy.
I let them draw it out, hence the picture, “Exodus” in the previous post.
So this avoidance is just a continuation from that.
I had been fully intending to show Sienna the two pictures I drew. One of which has a handwritten note to Sienna by a child part saying ” We are broken now.”
She needs to see it. She needs to know. She already knows the trust is broken and that the child parts don’t feels they can speak to her anymore because they feel like when they do, she gets angry at them. ( A Child part came out in session 2 weeks ago and told her that.)
I know she took that on board and had thought about it because she raised it briefly last week.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now except that I don’t want to go to my session. I know I probably will, for no other reason than I don’t want to pay for a missed session.
But the avoidance is SO strong that I literally am almost willing to pay the fee and not go.
I think I must be avoiding Sienna and avoiding talking about what’s hurting me. Normally I’m pretty good at pushing through avoidant feelings and behaviours. But whenever I think about going and being there, I just know I won’t want to talk about all of this with her and so will end up sitting with my pain unshared, and just chatting as if everything is fine. And it isn’t. And somehow that feels unbearable to go and do.
Fuck sake. Why is therapy SO hard. 😦