It’s Monday. Therapy day. I’ve already tried to cancel. But Sienna can’t see me on Saturday. So if I don’t go tonight then there’s no therapy this week and I can’t tell if that’s a blessing or not.
Here’s the issues:
I feel a bit unwell. I had a stomach bug Thursday Friday and Saturday. So I am a bit up and down with my energy levels and my tummy issues.
I can’t decide if my current tummy issues are still the end of the bug ( which seemed totally gone from Saturday afternoon) or my usual upset tummy I get lately on Monday – let’s call it ” Therapy Tummy” 😁
I am emotionally EXHAUSTED. My body is still reeling from last week’s bodywork and trauma release.
I can feel how ready for this Christmas break I am. As much as I don’t like the disruption, I think I need some down time.
The trouble is, to get downtime, I also have to wrestle with the attachment/separation anxiety. Not that I have much choice- Sienna is taking the break whether I like it or not.
I need the break from therapy but not from Sienna. Can we not just have a day out somewhere together??? *Pouts*
Back to today… I am breaking under the strain of emotions this 2 week holiday is inducing.
The separation anxiety is there, yes. But it’s made so much worse by the rage and jealousy I feel over her daughters, who get as much as their mum as they want.
And big feelings drain me.
Rage and Jealousy and pettiness are not nice qualities to admit to. I understand that they’re just emotions and pretty young ones at that.
I guess it’s facing up to your own shadow side- that we are capable of not being very nice sometimes, or at least of thinking or feeling not so pleasant things.
And admitting my level of need, well you’d think I’d be more comfortable with that by now, but nope.
Though, it’s not particularly need that’s fuelling me just now. It’s horrible yucky plain old jealousy and inadequacy.
I really need to hear that our relationship is deep and meaningful and it matters to her.
I really need to feel her love for me.
I really need to feel our relationship as a real thing. ………………..
I really need to feel that I’m not less than her daughters… There, I said it.
I suppose the pain is knowing that she wants to be their mum. She doesn’t want to be mine.
She wants to be with them at Christmas, she doesn’t want to be with me.
They’re successful, I’m a fucking mess.
They’re a few years younger than me but still within the same decade, with the exception of one who is like 11 years younger.
And I wonder if I just look pathetic and pitiful compared to them?
Sienna’s already said that they’ve not had the upbringing I have and they don’t know the half of it ( ie how shitty a start some people have) She’s told me they’re far from perfect. She’s told me all families argue and have their issues. She’s told me that I probably have an idealised idea of what the perfect mother looks like – inferring that she is very much not a perfect mother who spends all her time cuddling her children and baking cookies and having heartfelt chats over cocoa. It’s far more normal and less emotionally intense than I’d imagine.
Because the truth is, her kids got all the intensity and heartfelt love and reassuring they needed in childhood – u know… When you’re supposed to get it. And now they have an adult relationship with her, which is probably more friendship based and “lighter” than the intense motherly attention I constantly need.
But still, the bottom line is, she’ll be with them not me.
And the pain this is all inducing in me is draining.
And I’m caught between wanting to runaway, close myself and my feelings down, close Sienna out -probably partly as punishment ( that she wouldn’t even feel or care about anyway)
And staying close, getting as much of her as I can before she leaves to be with the people she loves best.
Fuck this therapy shit.