I woke up yesterday morning from the most vivid of nightmares.
It was SO real. I woke up dissociated. Frozen. I spent hours in bed, unable to get myself up.
The dream…. well it was a CSA one again. I don’t think the actual events in the dream are memories. Yet, the dream feels true. The feelings and the experiences in it see, real. Yet….. here I am, still with no concrete memories of anything like that having ever occured.
CSA dreams are awful and I get them at least once or twice a week. I barely even register them anymore. And there’s no one to tell since I can’t reach out for support. So I don’t do anything with those dreams. I don’t speak about them much.
But every now and again, once comes along that floors me. And that one yesterday had me on my ass.
The details of the dream, seem like clues, part of memories perhaps?
The child’s narrative, the way she spoke and what she showed me in those dreams was just horrific. And she described things in her own childish language, not knowing the real words for the things she experienced.
I couldn’t shake that dream off. I just cuddled deeper into my duvet. Lay there feeling sad and alone and horrified and really missing Sienna.
Eventually, I drew a picture on the sketch app on my phone and amazingly that was enough to move me through the frozen state and allowed me to go shower which grounded me even more.
The rest of my day went fine but I did feel longing to have my therapist home. I still do.
4 days. 4 days until I see her again. Part of me feels joy at the thought of seeing her again. A young part of me just wants to reunite with her. Cuddle into her and be reassured that she’s back.
Yet when I imagine being there and seeing her I feel nerves and like I have nothing to say and then I feel anger towards her. I can feel my defenses bristle when I imagine being there. I can imagine not wanting to engage much with her, not wanting to show her I missed her or that it was hard, her being away for 3 weeks.
And I feel scared.
Scared to start therapy again, scared about what might come up, what ruptures we may face. Scared of the work ahead.
I’ve been having this recurring thought lately about finding a new therapist. Of feeling overwhelmed where I am with Sienna.
I don’t feel ready for where I find myself at in therapy with Sienna. I feel like I’ve been pushed into a space I’m just not ready for because of Sienna’s needs.
It doesn’t feel good. I feel like crying even typing this. I find myself flooding right now with feelings of fear, sadness and mistrust.
Fear that if I tell her how i’m feeling or struggling with this space we are in that she’ll make me leave her. That she’ll tell me to find something or someone else.
Fear that saying it, makes it real.
Fear that saying it out loud make it something I have to do something about.
Fear that saying it to her or out loud makes all my worries real and means that my therapy with her will have to come to an end.
Fear that things are really as terrible and as broken as they feel.
Fear that we have to deal with last year’s rupture.
Fear that I’ll be triggered back into a not coping place.
Sadness, sadness that my needs aren’t being met in the way that I want and need.
Sadness that once again I seem to be having to put my needs on hold so that another attachment figures can come first.
Sadness for all that I’ve lost in terms of trust and attachment and security.
Sadness for the deep suspicion and mistrust I have of Sienna now. Sadness for how much we lost through last year’s rupture and the hugely painful months that came before it.
Sometimes I feel like everything is broken beyond repair. And it feels awful. Sometimes it feels like we are coasting along because none of us want to admit it’s all broken.
I wonder if we are both staying on safer grounds because to discuss the rupture and the true costs of it would mean admitting it’s all fucked beyond repair.
And when all those feelings flood me all at once, I push them away, I push the down and away as far as possible so that I can maintain a working relationship with my beloved therapist. Pushing those thoughts and feelings down mean I don’t have to face another ruined relationship. I can’t bare the thought of it. So pushing it all away allows me to keep her.
But of course, being so fragmented, there’s also another side – several sides most likely, that are equally true.
Part of me says nothing is broken, certainly not beyond repair. That Sienna is committed to me and will help us find a way through.
There’s parts of me who trust her deeply. And have confidence in her ability. Parts who find safety with her. Parts who adore her. Other parts can see her as the flawed human who makes mistakes and that that’s okay. That part of my work is learning to tolerate other people’s mistakes and flaws. To not run away or distance myself when the fear of people’s humanity and short-comings threatens to overwhelm me.
And it’s really hard to hold within me opposing realities. Because both feel right and true to me and that makes it hard to know what’s right and what action I should take. It makes it hard for me to know if I need to protect myself or if I am letting my fears get in the way.
So for now, I do nothing. I wait. I will let thing unfold as they must.