As a therapy veteran, I feel like I’ve experienced quite a lot of situations. But I have a new one.
This is a light-hearted post, something has occurred/is occurring that makes me laugh a bit.
I have been losing weight S-l-o-w-l-y for a while now. But recently, my therapist has lost some weight and been exercising. She has lost a stone and a half (21 lbs)
I’m happy for her, I am relieved she is taking care of herself. Carrying less weight is healthier and that’s good for me in that hopefully she keeps her good health.
But…. There’s always a “but” isn’t there?
But…. There’s a part of me, a young part who is a bit moany about it. Probably a part that doesn’t like change very much.
When I was at my session on Monday (which I WILL write up soon) I scarpered over to her sofa for a comforting hug after a very traumatised part came through. As I lay my head on her, it felt different, just slightly. And her heart rate sounded different…. Again just slightly. I only barely registered it at the time.
But since that day, It’s sort of been on my mind, nagging me a little.
I can hear a whiny voice saying “ I liked her the old way!!!!”
I liked the “extra padding.” I was comforted by her warmth and her curves. I knew them. I knew how she felt. I knew how fast my head would reach her chest as I cuddled into her. I knew the sound of her heart. I love cuddling her.
But this Monday, there was less padding, it took longer for my head to reach her chest, it felt almost like I got closer to her as there was less of her and that should feel good, right? Yet…. I liked her how she was. And once I got settled it was still warm and comforting, still her. And I know I’ll get used to her body once again. It will become familiar once more.
When I met Sienna for the first time she was tall-ish – maybe 5.7? Slimish. Not skinny at all, probably a good size 14 (Uk 14) but not fat by any degree and certainly not for her age (in her 50’s). She started putting on weight during her final year of her Masters degree. It was extremely gradual and I barely noticed it. It was always just “her”. And I always liked how she looked no matter what.
She might have gone up one or two dress sizes in that time, it’s hard to tell. But anyway, there’s less of her now and I have no idea how much more she’ll lose and I do wonder if she loses more, will cuddling into her feel more…. Angular? Less warm or less soft or less curvy? I don’t want that!! I don’t want to lose that soft, warm, safe, motherly quality.
Of course, I’ll just need to accept what she does. And of course I have no say over her body but the 5 year old just wants to shout “ I like you better when you have fat!”
But I feel like I should probably keep that thought to myself HAHAHAHA
She is looking very nice though and I did comment on how well she is looking and I know she’s pleased to have lost some weight – what woman isn’t?
But I suppose it just amuses and surprises me that the situation has come up, it’s all a bit unexpected. And I wonder if it is something worth talking about…. Yet somehow I cringe at the thought of it.
I don’t want her to feel embarrassed that I am noticing her body. I don’t want her to think or feel like I think I possess her body yet it is interesting because I suppose those very little parts do feel like her body is an extension of theirs and noticing her changing shape (less boobies!!) is a very natural observation for tiny children isn’t it?
But being an adult, I feel like talking about it to her is REALLY cringeworthy and I don’t want it to be seen as a sexualised thing because it absolutely is not. But as an adult, I really DO NOT want to be talking about her boobs being less soft. LOL, OMG even writing this is making both laugh AND want to die!!
Has anyone else experienced a changing therapist? Did you talk about it with them? Help a girl out here!!