Last weekend I waited 3 days for a reply from Sienna to my text in which I told her I needed her. A reply never came.
I feel so sad about that. Even now.
I held the anger, and hurt really well all weekend. There was no kick back for her not replying.
I assumed she didn’t get my text. It was the only thing that made sense. She wouldn’t leave me all weekend in distress, would she?
Yes. She would apparently.
The first thing she asked when I sat down was who’d been around over the weekend? I was surprised, I asked what she meant?
And she said she thought my text on Friday was from one of the young ones.
So, had got it. I was stunned.
I shrugged and said “ The teens”.
I was SO fucking hurt. I can’t believe she got my text and just didn’t reply, WTF?
She said that she’d been waiting for them to blog her. – On the Friday I’d asked her about blogging non urgent stuff to her and she’d agreed to it.
I told her “ Well, I hadn’t set it up by then, and the blog is only for non urgent information.”
Sienna apologised and said there had been a mix-up.
But she apologised in a way that was a breezy “ oh sorry about that” and not “ Oh, I am SO sorry for that mixed up, and you really needed to speak with me? How did that feel?”
She didn’t get how sad it had made me.
She asked if I’d written anything in my art journal over the weekend? I nodded.
“ The bad dream I had – the one I text you for.”
Sienna asked “ Can I see it?”
I nodded and handed it to her.
She asked “ Who’s here with me tonight?”
I told her a teen. She asked if the teen had a name. I shook my head, no.
Sienna suggested while she read that I get my dissociative cards out.
I reluctantly agreed.
I sat on the floor so I could spread them out.
I sifted through all the cards and picked out the emotions and experiences that I was feeling. There was a lot I was feeling.
Sienna came and sat on the floor across from me. She sorted out all my cards into groups. She asked which ones were most at the top.
None of them were, as it happens. It was all a cauldron of seething resentment and mistrust LOL
Sienna asked who I was angry at? Her? Everyone? Myself? I nodded and said “ All of the above.”
I didn’t speak much the whole session. I was surly, childish and very much in teen mode.
I told her I hated one of the posters in her room.
Sienna accommodated my teen strop with some mild humour. She sat on the sofa behind me and played with my hair and smoothed it. I sat on the floor with my arms crossed.
Sienna suggested we give this teen a name. I told her to go for it. The first name she suggested was part joke I think and I was like “ eww no! That’s a horrible name.” Sienna laughed.
She suggested another and I shook my head, nope. It didn’t feel right. She thought and then said what about “ ……….” And the name she suggested was one of her daughter’s names!
I immediately shook my head no. Though I was tempted to agree to it just to fuck with her. HA!
Bet she’s relieved I said no to it! But seriously, why the hell would she suggest her own daughter’s name to me? I wonder if she shocked herself? I wonder if she’s thought about why she said that?
I’m really curious to know what made her suggest her kid’s name to me? It’s not even as if it’s a super common name.
Part of me really wants to speak to her about it but mostly I do not want to speak about it because… I don’t know why…. I suppose in case she’s embarrassed that she slipped up maybe.
I wish I’d just said to her at the time “ ugh… that’s your daughter’s name, so that’s a hard NO.”
That would have been more natural than bringing it up now.
But I just let it slide at the time as I was in too much of a huff to speak much.
It took me until 7 minutes before the end of the session to finally ask her
“ Why didn’t you answer my text. I waited for you and you didn’t come. I needed you.” Tears sprung up.
Sienna said softly “ Is that’s what’s bothering you tonight?”
She said “ I’m sorry. I got it wrong. You could have let me know you needed a check in and I would have found a time.”
Ah. I hadn’t even thought of that. When there are parts who don’t normally come to therapy or haven’t been around when agreements have been made, then I don’t always remember what’s been said.
I said in a quiet voice “ I didn’t know I could ask for a check in.”
The session was finished. Time was up. On the way out she reassured me “ We’ll see each other Thursday, Ok?”
She gave me a hug. And I left.
It sucked. But she was nice to me and we did connect so as long as there’s a feeling of connection, then a session isn’t a total fail.
But I was very glad we had Thursday, an extra chance to be with her and feel that we are okay.