Posted in attachment, journal, mental health, therapy, trauma, Uncategorized

Things Change.

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I’m struggling to maintain this blog and I’ve been questioning whether I should keep it or not and more accurately, do I want to keep it?

And I don’t know. This blog has been a place for me to vent and process my therapy journey and has been invaluable to me. I loved my blog for the support and containment it provided me with and I still love it because it helped me so much. So, the idea of giving up on it makes me sad.

Yet, I find myself changing and in less need of it and my therapy has moved to a place where I either don’t want or don’t need to process things through my writing. I don’t need or want to listen to my sessions afterwards anymore. Partly it’s a healthy avoidance thing, sometimes listening back would just be painful or maybe I just don’t want to re-experience it, I want to live my life, do things that will contribute to my own life and not sit pining after my therapist. And some of it is perhaps a more avoidant tactic of just not wanting to deal with any of it or what it brings up for me if I think or feel too much about it all.

Partly it’s a survival thing ; I don’t want to be triggered by anything I hear or was said in the session. And partly it’s a progress thing. Like I said, I no longer feel the need to hear the session, to hear my therapist’s voice again. I can hold onto her better now than I used to. She feels more solid to me – a real person. And I feel our connection (most of the time) and know we are connected even though we are apart or going through rough times. I feel the relationship, I know it exists, I feel it’s solid, tangible foundations. I know my therapist remembers me and thinks about me often during the week. I have evidence of it throughout the 3 years as she tells me anecdotally something she saw or heard that reminded her of me. Or something she’d thought about one day pertaining to me or my therapy.

I think I’ve only grown that object constancy in the past 6 months or so. And it’s amazing. It feels so good to not languish in attachment Hell for the entire week, each minute agonisingly dragging by until I can see her or speak to her again.

I can’t say it doesn’t still happen. It does, I still get needy and clingy at times. I still lose the object constancy in stressful times or when other trauma parts are more at the front.

And part of me wonders/worries that some of this ” wellness” and “adult place” and ” object constancy” isn’t more about the disorganised attachment and me sort of pulling away from Sienna and that distance is more stabilising? It’s a distinct possibility. It feels like both things are true though? There’s growth and some object constancy at times, AND there’s a pulling away from her because I’m still deeply affected by our ruptures.

And I think partly I used this blog as a way of experiencing my relationship with Sienna from afar.

I only really realised that this month. That all this time, I’ve used the blog as a blank projection screen to throw everything that happened in that room onto it and from there I could view what happened, process it, feel about it and internalise it all.

I think I found therapy and the relationship specifically, so distressing and confusing and enraging that it was too scary to feel it all in real time. To experience it as it happened and deal with it there and then.

I mean, I did deal with it there and then a lot of the time? I think the blog has been like a safe wall I can sit behind and just splurge to. Sometimes I’ve used it to vent my anger and hurt and to work out whether it’s okay to feel what I feel, or sometimes to process my feelings without involving Sienna – which really isn’t the point of therapy is it? 😀

I’ve avoided showing Sienna my true and real feelings and thoughts about certain things because those things simply hurt me too much and I don’t trust her with it. So I return to my hidey hole and blog it until I feel better, instead of taking it to my therapist. Not good.

I still do that to an extent. I know I have lots I’m just not approaching with her. I am avoiding a lot of things. Things aren’t amazingly smooth, although I bet Sienna thinks they are because I’ve had a long period of apparent stability.

I am nowhere near the end of therapy. I am not cured or magically healed from all the attachment crap. I don’t know why I’m handling it better.

I think it’s very multi-layered. Being fragmented, I suppose it’s to be expected that some parts will grow more quickly than others.

So all the work Sienna and I have done in the past 3 years has somehow managed to forge a very competent, happy, calm-ish, adult self. I think that adult IS the core me, or at least that will be the one who moves forward in my life, and who will be most present. If all my young parts grow up and integrate then this adult is who will be left. And if the young parts don’t want to integrate, but agree to co-conscious management, then the Adult will be the person who fronts most of the time.

And I’m good with that.

I, the adult, like myself. I like who I am, I like who I am becoming, I am excited for life. I feel confident in my abilities as an adult woman.

I never thought I’d be able to say any of that. It’s a minor miracle that I’ve got to this stage!

As a result of forging and cultivating a pretty awesome adult, my life has felt calmer, safer, more even-keeled. I am managing to cope with therapy better for the most part. Nothing is perfect of course and there’s still flare ups and heartbreaks. And because the attachment stuff isn’t as acute right now, I am finding that I want to experience Sienna and my sessions in person.

Not through my blog, or my recordings. I want to feel my feelings, process things whilst there and of course at home too.

I think I also have more capacity to hold the sessions for myself. I hold them within me, there’s a place for them now that never used to exist. This blog was like the overflow car park for experiences I literally could not hold for myself.

I find myself feeling more protective of the work and of myself and of Sienna. Maybe it’s a side-effect of having my own boundaries now or just feeling like I want to keep things more private or maybe just being sick of some of the crap that gets thrown my way when I share the details of ruptures or my darker feelings and tantrums.

I don’t have the same need to splurge to the entire world, the entire details of each session.

I don’t want to. Or at least, like I said, I feel very protective of my story now. And I’m not sure why. For some reason I feel more exposed and vulnerable to be writing it all down and not knowing who is reading, not having control over that. It never used to bother me. I didn’t care who read it or what they thought or felt about me. I still don’t care what names on the internet think about me, they don’t know me and never will but I also don’t feel like sharing my most profound and intimate moments in therapy with people who don’t value or care about me or my experiences.

I felt at the time like it was more important to document my journey and I wanted it to help others not feel so alone. I wanted them to know that all the embarrassing feelings, the lovesick, obsessive pining for the therapist, the tantrums and the rage and the avoidance and the ruptures and all of it, is totally normal in the context of therapy. It’s humiliating but normal.

I wanted professionals, therapists and Dr’s and social workers, to know how they really affected us or why us adults with attachment trauma did the things we did or felt or reacted why do, because I think unless you’ve been through attachment trauma, and emotional neglect, you can never fully understand a person who has. Not really. We come from different worlds and we have different emotional languages. We hear things differently.

I want to emphasise to readers that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with splurging every detail to the world if you want to. I don’t really hold with the view that therapy is “ sacred” and writing so publicly and in-depth about it cheapens that sacred space. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right and be guided by your own intuition on it. There’s no judgement from me- I’ve loved vomiting my therapy all over you guys for the past 4 plus years! Hahahahah!

I find myself losing interest in all things therapy related. I struggle to read other blogs, particularly about painful ruptures or if the person is at a very different stage from me in their therapy/mental health journey. It feels painful to re-visit those hard places and of course I’ve been there already and resolved a lot of those stages and so there isn’t so much interest in going back there or reading others journey. I hope that doesn’t sound mean, It isn’t meant that way.

I suppose the best way to describe it is if you were an 8 year old watching little 5 year olds playing games you used to with your friends. You’re not interesting in being 5 again and their games don’t hold interest to you anymore because you’ve already played them a million times.

Another healthy outcome for me from writing this blog is the contacts and friendships I’ve made.

I have one very special person whom I consider a really close friend now. We speak most days and I always smile and feel so happy after a phonecall. She makes me laugh so much. And although we both have mental health struggles, good days and bad, we can be mutually supportive of one another, and we can also just laugh and have fun. I like that. It’s not all doom and gloom, not at all. And it’s not just one person supporting the other, or one giving and the other taking. It’s an equal friendship, it’s support and listening and empathy without drama or an expectation of the other to take responsibility for ones own issues.

I want more of those real friendships. They feed the soul. I want to grow a tribe of women around me whom I can really count on whether it’s for a laugh, a hug, a kick up the arse, whatever. It’s so important.

And having found at least one friend like that has also probably influenced my reducing need for blogging.

I am living in the real world with real people, real relationships. And the blog doesn’t give me as much of what I need anymore. I get real-time support, I hear real voices on the phone and I really need that.

So, yeah…. There’s lots of things going on that are affecting my ability or need to blog.

I don’t want to lose my blog because it’s a special place for me. And I do like to write sometimes. And when there’s another inevitable rupture (cue eye-roll and sigh from me) then I will probably need this space more.

I have no intentions of shutting it down- for now anyway. But I do feel like I need to take stock and find what I feel comfortable with sharing. It might be that the way I write changes a bit – less in depth dialogue about the sessions and a more global overview. Or maybe just writing less often? OR less in depth??

Or maybe just going private and keeping the followers I currently have. I don’t know.

I do have things I want to write about but only discuss with readers I have interacted with and know of. So, there may be some passworded posts with a new password….

I don’t know…..

I just feel more protective of myself and my therapy. And less need to publicize the very intimate moments of my relationship with Sienna.

So that’s where I am at.

 

 

 

 

 

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37 thoughts on “Things Change.

  1. I love this post. I love the self-awareness and the fact you can see the growth and change in yourself. I can really see it as the crazed person that read your whole blog in three days. It’s huge. Sure you slip and slide and fall on your arse occasionally – but that’s all part of it. You are a great writer and what you’ve given us all with your blog is a gift. It was transformational for me finding it and seeing that what I was experiencing was ‘normal’. I’m happy that you have found a friend who makes you laugh and feel supported. I’m sorry that there have been times where you’ve felt criticised or basically been character assassinated on a public forum, though. Whatever you end up doing with this blog I’m sure there are a solid cohort of people that will remain interested in your journey and healing whether you blog weekly, monthly, or ad hoc. You are, however, not someone’s entertainment or soap opera and I can understand your reluctance to be public – I get those wobbles too but am unsure what I’ll do yet. Lots of love 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Loved reading this Sirena. I’ve found it so helpful to be able to read your blog and realise I’m not the only one going through these difficult therapy feelings! Thanks so much for sharing some really difficult thoughts and feelings with us and so glad to read that you’re feeling like a lot of progress has been made. Best wishes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Laura, I never thought I’d get to this place. It seemed impossible. Nothing is perfect, I have ups and downs still- huge ones at times. But the better times are more accessible too. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. great post sirena! I would like to keep following. so i’m hopeful I can. I love your clear thoughtful post. you really reflected on things. way to go! blogging has meant so much to me too. I’ve toyed with going private, for a while too. but I don’t. or I have and then gone public again. more because I like helping people and letting others know they aren’t alone. whatever works for you though. do what feels right. whatever happens I love your blog. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey you strong woman!
    I’m proud of you, reading this post feels good and positive. Maybe there are some avoidance issues considering sienna but at least you are (partly) aware of that, so progress!
    Sending more good vibes your way, keep up the good work.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi!
        Could it be that the password isn’t working?
        I was trying to read your most recent post but even with different combinations it didn’t work?
        (Or it’s just me, or you changed it which is okay of course!)

        Like

  4. Hi Sirena, I’ve been reading, enjoying and relating to your blog for several years now. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years and been through all the journeys of ruptures and repairs and the painful learning of things through experiences in the therapeutic relationship rather than just cognitively too. I too feel like I have learnt a secure attachment and object constancy with my T in the last year, so I really relate to what you wrote about that. That’s what made me want to leave this comment actually. I don’t generally comment on WordPress blogs because I blog about therapy on tumblr (“faithhopeloveandtherapy”) and have a similar community of friends there to I know you have here, and much as I would love to be involved in everything I just don’t have the capacity! But I love to read along with many blogs on here and I think yours is the one I have been following the longest (albeit from a different email address for several years, before I settled on anonymity) Anyway, sorry this is getting long but you writing about maybe you have developed a secure attachment with Sienna resonated with me. I read that you have doubts about whether it’s other things going on and I don’t know what is true for you, but developing a secure attachment seems a feasible explanation and I guess I wanted to encourage you because I think that is my experience too, likewise developed over many years of therapy. Love Faith x

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    1. Thank you so much Faith. I am grateful and happy to hear how long you’ve followed me for. And I’m glad you’re growing a secure attachment with your therapist too. X

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  5. I’m so happy for you!! Friendships are invaluable! I respect whatever feels right for you. Your blog has meant the world to me and my healing. I would like to follow you as long you allow.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so happy to see you doing well, feeling stronger, and more able to invest in your “real” life (not that the blog is not real, of course).

    A lot of what you wrote has resonated for me. I have a different relationship with my blog now. I write less often. I also find it hard than I used to, reading about other people’s ruptures or struggles. Not that I don’t care–I do. But it’s painful to relive those feelings. And I always want to say “hang in there–it will get better,” though I know that few people in the midst of it want to hear something like that.

    Like you, I am also making efforts to build more intimate relationships with people “in real life.” I find it challenging, though, so this is a topic I will probably blog about. I still find that blogging helps me process.

    Life is one change after another. And there are moments we need to let some things go, or at least spend less time on them, to make room for the new things that are growing. I am so happy for you and the healing you are doing. xxoo

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    1. Thanks LQ. I like your thoughts about accepting the ebb and flow of life and the changes that come with it. Nothing is permanent.
      I do find “real life” relationships a challenge too. Sometimes if feels easier to just be alone and not take risk.
      I care that others struggle too, very much so. I think if I didn’t care then reading about it wouldn’t affect me much. But part of my own self-care means I have to draw the line and not take on the pain of others as my own or allow myself to be triggered by it. And even that recognition and act of taking care of myself is growth in itself! 😊

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  7. I am so happy for you that you have reached that place. And envious too! I’ve learned so much from reading your posts over the last few months and learning about what a therapy relationship should (and shouldn’t) be. Your blog gave me the strength to leave my therapist of 15 months in April and though it’s been so hard I am so relieved it’s over. I’ll be really sad to read less of your ‘journey’ but will forever hold you up as the hope I need(ed) to also start properly healing.
    Much love xxxxx

    Ps it may sound strange but every time I see a unicorn notepad, toy, pencil etc I think of you
    LOL

    Like

    1. Wow greenlily what a powerful comment! And how brave you’ve been to leave your therapist though sorry you had to because it’s so painful.
      And I love love LOVE that you think of me when you see unicorns! That made me smile so much 😀😀😀
      🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄💜

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  8. Hi Sirena, I would miss reading your blog but am so glad to hear you’re putting in place boundaries to protect yourself. It is great to be reaching the stage where you become the container for the work you are doing & there is less obsessive need to hold on to sessions through recording them, blogging & analysing etc. You’ve worked tremendously hard and I think the progress you are seeing is down to the commitment you have shown to healing and growth, and the reading you did (i think it was pat ogden, kathy steele or janina fisher?) that allowed your therapy to change direction after such a painful rupture-you taught sienna how to give you what you really need. I’ll miss your updates as I think of you often, but wish you all the best going forward. Good luck with the next stage of your journey. I wish you joy, pink x

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    1. Thank you Pink. I shall still be updating. But just less prolifically in all likelihood. And yes the book I read really was life changing for me in just understanding the dynamics at play.

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  9. This made me so happy and hopeful for you. I also relate in a lot of ways.. I used to share my journey online and now don’t at all. Things change and progress and I’m so glad you’re moving forward in healthy ways. I hope to keep reading if you keep writing but ultimately I’m just glad to read this. 💛

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      1. A mixture of stuff.. I had a blog and YouTube where I shared a lot of my therapy/MH journey until my DID was realised and i became aware it was making some parts feel unsafe. But I carried on sharing little bits on various social media accounts until a few months ago when someone I’d never met tried to seriously disrupt my therapy and it was really scary and horrible. So now I have nothing but Instagram where I just post pretty pictures lol. So I completely understand what you’re doing and am glad you’re keeping yourself safe and doing what’s most healthy for you. It takes so long to learn good boundaries with our backgrounds! I’ll keep reading whatever you want to share though. 💛🌼🌺

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    1. Em – I use to follow you on YouTube (& still do on IG). It’s because of brave people like you and Sirena that I was able to understand my own journey. You two have paved the path for me. You both give me hope and I’m sooo appreciative of that. I hope all is well. I’m sad that in this crazy world that you both have had to experience scary negative things from people that you share your story with.

      You both give me hope because you get “it”.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. I think things have really changed for you in the last six months and glad that you are doing so well. I’d like to keep reading for the inspiration. One day I hope to be 8 and not 5!

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    1. They have. I’m not sure I understand totally why and if it’s even a good thing or just a coping mechanism. It feels a lot more settled though so I’m just gonna take the win for now! 😉

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  11. The fact that you are investing more of yourself into your everyday life is a huge sign of progress. Sienna is there, of course she is, but she isn’t at the forefront anymore. Like you, these feelings come and go in sort of a zigzag pattern for me. Some weeks I’m deeply invested in my own stuff, my own projects, and at other times I desperately want and need my therapist and our very special connection.

    Let yourself enjoy the ride. Enjoy needing her less, and love yourself when those strong feelings of dependence come back. I have really missed your words! It’s so good to be home.

    Like

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