Chilling in my art studio today.
Woke up having had several disquieting dreams about Sienna being angry with me or ignoring me or just plain rejecting me.
She’s been in my dreams a lot lately… like A LOT!
Sometimes the dreams feels comforting and lovely and those dreams leave me feeling both close to her and somehow distant. The theme of these dreams seem to be more about her overwhelming acceptance of me. In many of them I’m given the place of an adopted daughter in her life. And I feel both happy but overwhelmingly distrustful of it. And I don’t trust it can last or is there to stay.
But as well as being accepted as an unofficial daughter, I also very much feel left out because I’ll never be the real thing. Never truly be related or joined by blood. And therefore never fully part of her or anything in her life. And the longing and sadness and rejection in those dreams hurt and follow me around for hours after I wake.
I think those dreams are fairly obvious in meaning. But I’m not sure why I’m dreaming of her being angry with me or rejecting me?
Sometimes I dream about things because I’ve subconsciously picked up on people’s feelings and it makes me wonder if Sienna does have unconscious anger towards me?
Or maybe the anger and rejection in the dreams is about something else. Who knows?
All this dreaming has made me feel quite sad this week. I’ve still been good with my self-care and had good moments of positivity. But the sadness and rejection is there working itself out.
I suppose a good word would be melancholy.
I had a tough session on Thursday where Sofia spoke and cried. She talked about her experiences and how alone she felt.
So I suppose I’m feeling the effects of that session too.