Not writing about my sessions…

It’s been on my mind that I haven’t been writing in depth about my therapy sessions lately. And I do wonder why?

Two very real reasons is that I have been sleeping through the night for the most part and that was usually my time to sit and listen to my session and write about it, and also I’ve been concentrating a lot more on creating art to sell. Time has seemed to slip away recently and I am far busier creating art, maintaining social media feeds, preparing an etsy store and investing in my self-care routines.

But also, as I’ve mentioned before, I am trying to keep myself balanced and away from trauma stuff during the week now that I don’t have Sienna’s support between sessions. I am still trying to find myself around this new way of working and feel pretty unsteady about whether I will cope. So, I think I am avoiding listening back to my sessions in case I become triggered.

The sessions themselves have slowed down quite a lot too. I think we are both conscious of trying to find where my tolerance levels lie and not triggering me too much.

There’s a lot more general chat, as we attempt to rebuild the trust lost from the rupture. There’s an element of us both resting from the hard stuff and just allowing ourselves to be in the room together. I think we both got a big fright by what happened at the end of the year and we have both been shaken.

There has been therapy work done though. And I find my young alters edging forward more often which is new. Their chosen form of communication is texting and emailing or drawing. Sienna had spoken to her supervisor about her worry that if she took away emailing and texting that the young alters would be silenced. That they would have no way to express their traumas and that Sienna wouldn’t be able to get to them. Her supervisor assured her that they would come in time. To be patient.

And now that the choice of emailing and texting isn’t there anymore, the alters are trying to move towards coming to sessions. I feel them a lot more often in sessions and less at home. I think that’s probably a good thing?

The Editor and the teen parts are still careful about what they let the child parts do or express, they don’t have free reign in sessions. But I feel them there.

As a result, there’s been this real urge to physically be in contact with Sienna. This hungering need to cuddle into her or lean against her. The child parts need a lot of reassurance and they also feel a lot of love and affection for Sienna and that results in them always wanting to be close to her, if they can.

The teenage parts haven’t really featured much. They do not want to engage with Therapy or with Sienna. They have no trust in her and they are so angry and hurt with her and what she did during the rupture. I think they have stayed away because they are afraid of their own rage. They feel rage and they don’t know what to do with that. How to express it, how to extinguish it. It’s so destructive and I am guessing they fear their own power.

Saying that, Sofia did turn up last Thursday. Sofia has less anger towards Sienna. I think that’s because she does trust Sienna now. And she trusts Sienna more than she is angry, so that allows her to drop the rage. I feel like Sofia is less an angry guardian and more a vulnerable teen – when with Sienna, not anyone else.

I am dreading the time we have a bad session and/or Sienna is misattuned. I am still not sure how I am going to cope with that. How am I going to wait a whole week holding all the emotions that come from a bad session?

I am spending a lot of time cultivating a positive, nurturing adult within myself. I use my Instagram account to allow the adult part of me to speak to the rest of me, to motivate me, inspire confidence, reminding myself and the parts that I CAN do things. It is really working for me. And it keeps me on task for whatever it is I need to do on any given day. It focuses my mind.

Originally it was set up by Sofia and Mia, a place for their teenage attitude to have its say. But they haven’t bothered with it much. So now this new adult is using it. (Feel free to follow me.)

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I don’t always feel happy or inspired or settled or motivated. So sometimes it feels a bit forced to post something inspiring. But it seems to work, even if I am having a down day, just posting something positive reminds me of the adult within and I get moving with my day and my mood switches over to the adult mind. The Instagram account has really been an unexpected success for my tool bag of coping.

A big part of my coping lately and my drive to succeed with my art is the appearance of this adult part. It is allowing me to have space from the trauma stuff. It is allowing me to move away from all the stuff that drags me down and renders me frozen every day.

I am dissociating a lot more than I was and I think that’s a by-product of having to hold a lot more for myself now that the boundaries have changed. I find myself losing time, or feeling quite confused and forgetful. I feel the vulnerability and sadness of the parts quite often. And I feel tired holding so much by myself.

But the adult part is helping me balance out and cope and I am so grateful for that.

The shift in my sessions is interesting. Without the outside contact, they are more concentrated or focused or something. Sienna does seem more present. They feel more traditional or more…. I don’t know… the attention is all on me, not on us, the relationship, what’s gone on in the week via email, not the countertransference etc

It feels like we are back to basics. It’s like I’ve gone from high school back to Nursery class. And it actually feels like a relief. All the pressure is off. All the difficult stuff is kept at bay, it’s at a level that I can go out into the world and cope with. I can go into the session and be the centre of the world for an hour. There’s no battle. No drama. Just pure attention and caring.

I am under no illusions that it will always be like that. But for now, it’s what I need.

 

 

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Sunday Vibes

Chilling in my art studio today.

Woke up having had several disquieting dreams about Sienna being angry with me or ignoring me or just plain rejecting me.

She’s been in my dreams a lot lately… like A LOT!

Sometimes the dreams feels comforting and lovely and those dreams leave me feeling both close to her and somehow distant. The theme of these dreams seem to be more about her overwhelming acceptance of me. In many of them I’m given the place of an adopted daughter in her life. And I feel both happy but overwhelmingly distrustful of it. And I don’t trust it can last or is there to stay.

But as well as being accepted as an unofficial daughter, I also very much feel left out because I’ll never be the real thing. Never truly be related or joined by blood. And therefore never fully part of her or anything in her life. And the longing and sadness and rejection in those dreams hurt and follow me around for hours after I wake.

I think those dreams are fairly obvious in meaning. But I’m not sure why I’m dreaming of her being angry with me or rejecting me?

Sometimes I dream about things because I’ve subconsciously picked up on people’s feelings and it makes me wonder if Sienna does have unconscious anger towards me?

Or maybe the anger and rejection in the dreams is about something else. Who knows?

All this dreaming has made me feel quite sad this week. I’ve still been good with my self-care and had good moments of positivity. But the sadness and rejection is there working itself out.

I suppose a good word would be melancholy.

I had a tough session on Thursday where Sofia spoke and cried. She talked about her experiences and how alone she felt.

So I suppose I’m feeling the effects of that session too.

The child alters speak.

Wasn’t feeling emotionally great today. But didn’t really know why. I just felt unmotivated to do anything. I’ve either slept or sat on the sofa staring aimlessly at my phone.

And then I decided to draw. At first I drew a cute flower.

But then I moved on and allowed the child parts to speak and I was surprised what ended on the page.

Two little girl describing how the were feeling.

” My tummy is crying” and “My heart is sad”.

Poor little girls. But drawing seemed to help them a bit or helped me or helped all of us, who knows.

And a final picture was drawn to depict a young part who turned up in the therapy room on Saturday whilst using the dissociative experiences cards.

Holly is 4. She told me her name on Saturday morning whilst I was lying awake in bed. She said her name and counted out 4 fingers for her age.

She came out in therapy. And was utterly delighted to have found a way to speak.

So that’s my day. Drawing drawing drawing and not much else.

Happy Monday!

Morning!

I’ve woken up the past 2 days feeling energised and ready to attack my projects.

Right now I’m just waiting for my coffee to be ready and I’m going to get on with making more cards for therapy.

I bought more colourful card at the weekend and have typed out more emotion words.

I had originally wanted just bodily/dissociation cards in my pack because you can get emotion cards and lists anywhere. But using the cards in my session on Saturday while feeling pretty dissociated, I realised I needed some cards that weren’t there.

I thought I was pretty good at naming emotions but I felt stuck for words whilst dissociated, so now I am creating more cards.

I’m worried that there’s going to be way too many. Yet they’re all needed.

I suppose this is the whole point of prototyping products…. eeking out all the snags.

But in using the cards I think my therapist and I found a really important way of visualising my experience. Because as we know, those with trauma can sit and look blank or still and it belies the traumatic reactions that are going on underneath.

It felt very connecting for the young parts to have a safe way to “talk”. And to have Sienna respond to them…. Because the cards allowed her to see who was there with us and what they were feeling.

It felt important and connecting and safe.

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List of emotions.

Oxytocin. Hit me up!

So many love and feelz for my therapist right now. I just love her, I do, I Do, I Do!!

Had a session today and even though not a lot happened, AND she dropped her dates for her next holiday on me…#ugh #nooooo

There was just so much love and care and genuine warmth and affection from both of us.

Will write more fully about my session later. But I just had to post this now.

Messy Heart

Not having a great week health wise and feeling so frustrated about that. I have spent so much time sleeping and am just exhausted.

I have completed a new canvas though so not all is lost. I really like it. It’s called ” My Messy Heart “.

It’s acrylics and ink on canvas board ( approx 11.5 inches x 8 inches). It will look amazing framed.

Selling it for £30 plus postage and packaging. If anyone is interested in owning some original art.