I sat down in session, ready for whatever was to come.
Sienna asked how I was and then got up and moved over to her desk. She said
“ I’ve got something for you. . And there’s one for Sofia too, for her to read when she’s struggling.”
She handed me two turquoise envelopes. I smiled. “ Do I open them now?”
The first one was mine, a card with lovely words and best of all, inside it said
“ To the Bravest of the Brave x “
I teared up. The sentiment was perfect. She did this – for me! And after I’d put us both through hell this weekend. I’d literally “shaken her to her core” her words to me on Sunday…. Yet she’d still felt like she wanted to go find and but two perfect cards to help me feel that things were okay.
I expected punishment. And instead I got connection. And the words she’d chosen… brave? She tell me I’m brave a lot and I never feel very brave… today I felt sheepish, not brave. But to be told I was brave, the bravest of the brave… that really meant something today, and I believed her. And I felt a sense of worth or a sense of achievement or a sense of belonging or something… an emotion I can’t quite put word to.
I wasn’t punished today. I was given care instead. I was treated with compassion and as if I was deserving of connection and care. Even though I’d really freaked out and leaned in hard on her over the weekend.
I was the 7 year old who’d just wrecked the classroom, but was still accepted and allowed a hug, still deserving of comfort.
Sofia’s envelope was a little wallet card with a teddy bear holding a heart.
I thanked Sienna and said I didn’t feel like deserved them after my performance at the weekend.
Sienna asked what I wanted to do for the session. “ Do you want to draw? We could draw lovely cheerful flowers or something?”
“ Or do you just want a hug for the whole hour?” She laughed
So she came over and let me cuddle into her for a long time. Not an hour. But a while. We just stared out the window at the beautiful weather, appreciating the woodland and watching a squirrel play.
We chatted about my experience over the weekend, nothing too heavy though. I cried. Not heavily, just a constant stream of tears. Sorry for what had happened. Sorry to Sienna and sorry for myself.
It felt nice to be so comfortable cuddled in to her. It felt like it was okay for me to be there. That I could belong there. It felt a bit like coming home.
I needed that.