To the Bravest of the Brave.

I sat down in session, ready for whatever was to come.

Sienna asked how I was and then got up and moved over to her desk. She said

“ I’ve got something for you. . And there’s one for Sofia too, for her to read when she’s struggling.”

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She handed me two turquoise envelopes. I smiled. “ Do I open them now?”

Sienna nodded.

The first one was mine, a card with lovely words and best of all, inside it said

“ To the Bravest of the Brave x “

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I teared up. The sentiment was perfect. She did this – for me! And after I’d put us both through hell this weekend. I’d literally “shaken her to her core” her words to me on Sunday…. Yet she’d still felt like she wanted to go find and but two perfect cards to help me feel that things were okay.

I expected punishment. And instead I got connection. And the words she’d chosen… brave? She tell me I’m brave a lot and I never feel very brave… today I felt sheepish, not brave. But to be told I was brave, the bravest of the brave… that really meant something today, and I believed her. And I felt a sense of worth or a sense of achievement or a sense of belonging or something… an emotion I can’t quite put word to.

I wasn’t punished today. I was given care instead. I was treated with compassion and as if I was deserving of connection and care. Even though I’d really freaked out and leaned in hard on her over the weekend.

I was the 7 year old who’d just wrecked the classroom, but was still accepted and allowed a hug, still deserving of comfort.

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Sofia’s envelope was a little wallet card with a teddy bear holding a heart.

I thanked Sienna and said I didn’t feel like deserved them after my performance at the weekend.

Sienna asked what I wanted to do for the session. “ Do you want to draw? We could draw lovely cheerful flowers or something?”

I shrugged.

“ Or do you just want a hug for the whole hour?” She laughed

I nodded.

So she came over and let me cuddle into her for a long time. Not an hour. But a while. We just stared out the window at the beautiful weather, appreciating the woodland and watching a squirrel play.

We chatted about my experience over the weekend, nothing too heavy though. I cried. Not heavily, just a constant stream of tears. Sorry for what had happened. Sorry to Sienna and sorry for myself.

It felt nice to be so comfortable cuddled in to her. It felt like it was okay for me to be there. That I could belong there. It felt a bit like coming home.

I needed that.

 

 

 

 

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36 thoughts on “To the Bravest of the Brave.

  1. This.shaking says:

    Gorgeous! Stunning! I’m so glad! And you ARE so very brave, Sirena and Sofia. I’ve been keeping my fingers crossed that Sienna would work it out again. YAY! YAY! TS

  2. Kate says:

    Sometimes my eldest has these uncontrollable overwhelming emotions and in those times he is overwhelmed and lashes out. When it’s over we sit togheter and talk and breath and just sit in silence sometimes that is all there is needed. So glad you all got to have that moment with sienna. Breathe!

    • Sirena says:

      I just wish I’d worked out that’s what I needed earlier. But I suppose I needed to go through the big overwhelming stuff to get back to where I needed to be.

  3. twinkletoes2017 says:

    I read this as I was walking to the train station and I was grinning like a Cheshire Cat the entire time. This is THE CUTEST!!!!!!!!!!!

    You are brave, so brave I am so glad she was able to make you believe her.

    The cards are wonderful. I am so pleased that you’ve been able to connect and leave feeling loved and safe! So happy for you. Xx

  4. Individual Medley says:

    This makes me very very emotional! So glad you were able to reconnect with Sienna and that she did such a lovely thing for you. You are brave, you were really able to open up and trust in your relationship with her. I think I am feeling happy for you and sad for me. I couldn’t ever imagine my T doing something like that for me. I love the image of a calm flat ocean that stretches beyond the horizon, I can picture it . You give me hope that it is attainable! 🤞😊

    • Sirena says:

      Aww, sorry you’re feeling emotional. I’m sad you can’t have more of that if that’s what you want. I don’t like to think of anyone missing out. Maybe talk to your therapist?

      • Individual Medley says:

        Emotional is better than numb, and at least half is happy emotion for you! I can’t talk to my therapist about this because I am still too hurt from her taking texting away on safety grounds (my younger parts were using it to ask for help). I am scared what else might also be taken away if I am too needy…

  5. gerihend1 says:

    Sirena, you don’t need this from me. You already have so many lovely notes of support for you and Sienna. May I just say that I am in admiration of Sienna. She and her way of relating to you are just what you need. Therapy is hard, not always, but quite often. These moments help so much!

    • Sirena says:

      Geri thank you for all your support during this rupture. You and everyone else really helped me through it.
      Sienna is awesome. Human and fallible and when we rupture, we rupture big it would seem. But I stay precisely because of all the other things she does right.

  6. Lauren says:

    Oh this is just beautiful, like a real world fairy tale. What a precious relationship you two have, you’ve tested each other massively and neither of you gave up when you so easily could have, you just can’t buy that kind of trust. No matter how much you might test each other in the future, you’ll both have this solid ground to stand on and know there is a way through. Wow. Just wow. I am supportively jealous haha 😊😊😊 xxx

    • Sirena says:

      A therapy fairy tale! 🤣 With an evil little troll and a wicked step-mother!! Lol.
      We do have a beautiful relationship at times. And we’ve built solid ground this week for sure.
      Bet you weren’t jealous this weekend though!! 🙄😣x

  7. Kate says:

    She gave u the gift of trust and that is invaluable . What a sentiment to her being there for you. I hope this puts you in a better place when ruptures happen in the future. So very happy to hear this! Virtual hugs coming your way!!!

    • Sirena says:

      The worst thing is Kate, that actually it probably won’t help me trust or put me in a better place. When those parts get triggered or put into flashbacks none of it matters. That makes me sad.
      What it does do though is build my trust all the other times and it means when I come out of a flashback I remember times like these and try to trust her enough to reach out and know she’ll help.
      Thanks for your support. X

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