I sent an email this morning to Sienna. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to have done or whether I should just have left it. Sometimes I don’t know if giving her space is better.
And it feels risky to have been so vulnerable. If she rejects this email and either ignores it or says that she’s not engaging with me today, then it’s going to be bad. I am putting my faith in her today. I don’t even know if she’s capable of being there for me today.
I have woken up calmer this morning and with a clearer head. I still feel the pain in the pit of my stomach. And I think I could still be quite easily triggered so I am trying to avoid that whilst still desperately wanting to fix this mess we are in.
I don’t have any answers to this. It feels like a no-win situation for me.
I think the main problem is that both our needs are incompatible because you need space and predictability and I need proximity and access to you in quite an uncontained way, because I never predict when I will need you, so open access feels safest to me.
Someone has to lose out of this and it’s going to be me.
I realise now what you were saying on the phone yesterday about having more of a discussion about it and seeing how we can find a safe compromise. I realise it wasn’t about taking texts away totally but trying to find something that meets both our needs.
But what I was hearing at the time was totally different. I instantly became triggered and stopped hearing you. And this trigger is such a deep wound within me that I lose touch with what’s really being said to me.
Yesterday for the entire day, I lost touch with reality. I was plunged into another reality and the rage and the terror and confusion and the feelings that I was being abandoned were so real and so huge that I couldn’t even think straight.
There was no part of me which knew everything would be okay. There was no sensible adult part who could take over for me.
Something about taking texts away is so terrifying that I lose touch with the real world. It is so powerful and overwhelming that I have no capacity to listen or to reason. I don’t know why, because texting isn’t that important to me. Especially if we can agree that I can ask for a quick check in if I have the nightmares.
This week has hit every single serious trigger I have; Taking something away from me, creating distance from me, attachment, feeling abandoned and boundaries.
I don’t have the answer to why this is. I don’t know why those things can literally make me lose touch with reality. But they do.
And the mistake perhaps we’ve both made is trying to work through the trigger, talk about it, process it, find a solution, all while I am still in a triggered state. And it all adds to the fear and the power of it all and nudges me further and further into a non-reality state.
I am unable to process or be reasonable when I am terrified and fighting for me life. I am unable to hear you. It doesn’t matter that you’re not actually abandoning me, if I am in the middle of a flashback to real abandonment, if I am re-experiencing the original abandonment, then I am not really here, I am back there. And everything you say is filtered through my 10 year old brain.
I don’t think any of us has realised that I’ve been smack-bang in the middle of a flashback since Thursday, maybe even slightly before that. And we’ve tried to work in the present when I haven’t been available in the present.
I still don’t know how much damage has been done this weekend. I still can’t get a sense of how bad things are. What is real?
I am writing this because I have a strong sense that even though I am literally terrified of this mess, I do want to help sort it. I really feel like I can’t leave therapy even though the fear makes me want to so much. I want to leave first rather than experience anymore abandonment, any more changes, anymore bad things. I literally can’t face the space that open up inside me when I hear that something is being taken away from me.
But I also don’t know how to find my way back.
Something really deep is being triggered inside of me. And it’s not over yet. Even though I am more in touch with reality this morning, I know I am on the edge of it. So, I am not ready to have any discussions with you about solutions or changing things or boundaries, or any of that.
But I have a strong feeling deep in my soul that I just want to reconnect with you. I want to feel your presence and be calmed by it. I want to know that we are going to be okay, no matter what happens.
I am asking that we stop trying to process or talk so much and that we don’t try to find a solution until once you are back from your training. Hopefully I will be more present and more able to process by then.
I really badly need somatic things. I need to hear your voice, I need reassurance, I need a hug. I need my whole system to be calmed down and contained. I really need to reconnect with you in a meaningful way.
Those things will help bring me out this flashback. Those things will bring me into the safety of the presence. Words aren’t good right now. I need to feel literal containment.
I am begging you to please not try to talk about what’s happened this week or try to find solutions. It will send me back into this flashback.
I am not avoiding, I know we need to sort it, I know we need solutions. But I am not capable of it right now.
Please help me with this. I need to feel you are still with me. I need to feel that something catastrophic hasn’t happened. I need to hear your voice say “ I am still here. We will work this out. You are safe.”
That’s all I need. Safe things. Not words. I need to feel safe.
It feels like a very big risk to send this to you, because I know you don’t want to talk to me. And I know how easily I am triggered just now. But I am trying to trust the relationship and that is really hard right now. But I am relying on all the things you’ve told me in the past about you not leaving.
Please don’t make any-more distance, I’m already so far away. I understand it feel like nothing you say helps and in fact makes it worse. But that’s because we haven’t recognised that I am in a flashback and no able to hear anything safe in your words.
Everything was making it worse because we were trying to treat it with words and thinking and I really can’t handle that right now. I need you, just you. An admission that yeah things feel rubbish but we can fix it, but for now let’s just be together and let things be for now.
I just need to feel “home” right now. I need my secure base. I am trying to find my way back to you.
Sirena, Sofia and Keira.