Sienna responded to my email early this morning. I’d only had to wait about an hour but it was agonising.
I was scared she wouldn’t respond to me. It felt like there was good chance she might not. And part of me felt like my email might just pour fuel on an already out of control fire. Not because of the content but because I am pushing a therapist who seems to be at her limit.
But I had to try, I had to find a way to be able to make things enough of an okay to be able to turn up to my session on Monday. I had to find some sense of safety.
And felt a small degree of confidence that Sienna would respond, we’ve been through enough now to feel secure that she wouldn’t let me down, that she understood me enough to know what I needed. But it was still a huge risk because I sense how confused and depleted she is and plus yesterday wasn’t my finest moment.
But she replied. Thank God. Can you hear my sigh of relief?
Dear Sirena, Sofia and Keira,
We will find our way back from this. We will be ok. You are safe, so please, feel my virtual hug. It’s not in my thoughts for this to be so damaged that we can’t find a way forward.
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit calmer today and we don’t need to talk about anything until you are ready.
We are both committed to your therapy and the bravery it takes means we both reach difficult places at times.
I think you know I don’t give up and I’m glad you don’t want to either.
Just perfect Sienna. And with that reply, suddenly the storm clouds lifted and there was my lovely therapist.
Her reply came in just as I’d text (yes…text lol) to ask her if the phone check-in still stands or no?
She replied immediately to say if I wanted it, it was there.
We had a short but lovely check-in, I was upset of course and she said yesterday had shaken her to the core. But she said I was right that none of us had realised that I’d been in a full blown flashback these few days, and of course words and reasoning only made things worse!
We didn’t get into anything as I told her that I am just not capable of it right now. I literally have no capacity to listen and comprehend what is being said. I asked if the next two session we can just be together? She said that was a really good idea and I could bring in my teddy and we’d just do soothing things.
And that sounds perfect to me. I feel like a 7 year old who just wrecked the classroom in rage and broke everything I could and now I want to crawl over to a trusted adult and hide in their lap and cry.
I feel so beaten up.
This won’t be the end of this rupture, but it is an interlude. A pausing to reconnect, to find safety and stability and to know that no matter what, she will still be there.