This rupture isn’t over.

In our phone-Check in it sounded like she was still thinking texting should be revoked and we had a lot more discussing to do.

WTF? 

This led to me have a bit of a meltdown and telling her I wasn’t coming back. She didn’t say much so I ended the call.

I then sent her a text asking WTF she’s playing at, that this is going to put me in hospital. 

I’ve been in crisis all day. And she refused to engage, even when I said I felt suicidal and couldn’t cope . She told to go to A&E and that she wasn’t available.  

I took a valium and slept all day but I’ve woke up feel just as horrific. 

I think this therapy relationship is over. I’ve done it again. 

I feel so alone. I want to die I don’t want to live with this pain I’m feeling. The loss is too much for me.

Why does everyone leave me. 

Advertisements

48 thoughts on “

  1. maybe it hasn't started yet says:

    I know I only have your perspective here, but you generally sound quite clear on your blog posts (clearer than me that’s for sure, I’m normally completely lost in my own distortions). And it sounds like Sienna is being horrifically unprofessional, borderline unethical, in the way she has been messing you around over the past couple of days. I am borderline and it goes with the territory that I have terrible ruptures with my therapist at times. And through them – he is clear, consistent, and professional, I am the one that moves around, he is the one that stays the same. We have awful conversations but he stays consistent, that is the number 1 rule, and that is how we get through.

    Sienna is not managing to be any of those things at the moment and she needs to take a long hard look at that.

    I know you probably feel protective of her in the way that I do my therapist. But I’m not saying any of this to slag her off needlessly. Only to validate you and tell you, what you’re going through, I don’t think I could survive. I quite genuinely want to offer myself as a source of support, despite the fact we don’t know each other, purely because I know how acutely painful therapeutic ruptures are. But this one just seems off the charts. Jesus Christ.

    Sirena, you are being unbelievably strong. Medicate yourself through this if you need to. I hate meds, but I have an anti-psychotic that I can take as a PRN and even though it’s a bit of a gross drug, it’s life-saving during bad ruptures. I am so impressed and proud of you, I’ve been following your blog intently through this and I’m just amazed at how well you’re doing. If you do need support, reply back, whatever else. I only have 1 IRL friend who understands the torture therapy and attachment pain brings. It is so lonely. Thinking of you, and despite the fact I basically never comment, I have been the whole way through this xxxx

    • Sirena says:

      Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I can’t think clearly either right now. All I feel is pain and terror.

      • maybe it hasn't started yet says:

        Ohh, Sirena, Sirena, I know that pain, I know that terror. I have been crippled into screaming fits of tears by it, I have been dragged into A&E by it, I’ve indulged in every sort of self-harming behaviour under the sun as a result of it.

        The fact that you chose to take a valium and get into bed says oceans about how strong your coping skills are. I’m so impressed and proud of you that this was the course you chose under such a difficult circumstance. To be ‘rejected’ having told Sienna you were feeling suicidal, when that is such a rarity for you… wow. You are so so strong Sirena. I am so proud of you. Believe me. There are no words for how impressed I am.

        And while I’m here, can I please just say – I hardly ever comment on your posts, but I always always read them. You are by far and away the most inspiring blogger I know, and the stuff you blog about regarding attachment is so eloquent and fearless. I’ve seen you comment to other bloggers that you don’t mind them showing their T a certain post or another – and off the back of that, I have shown mine a couple of your posts, most recently ‘better than nothing’. Tom also loves your writing and is inspired by your understanding and eloquence, and it has helped me have discussions in therapy that I would not have otherwise known quite how to phrase.

        Sirena, you are suffering now, and God knows I wish you weren’t. But thank you for doing such a powerful thing in keeping this blog. You are helping and influencing more people than you will ever realise. x

      • Sirena says:

        This made me cry. Thank you for saying all of that and I’m glad my posts have helped you communicate to Tom. That’s amazing.

  2. becomingme967 says:

    Firstly you havent done anything. The way you are reacting to things is completly normal. Your therapist is moving the goal posts and i get that must make the relationship feel really unsafe and her not engaging when you are struggling sounds like its really hard for you. Did she explain at all why she has had such a change of heart since when you last spoke?
    It sounds are things are overwhelming for you have you got someone you can reaxh out to for support? You said you think the theraputic relationship is over and it certainly sounds like it is going through a really hard patch but to me it sounds like your therapist is trying to help just maybe going aboit it in the wrong way. But maybe the important thing to remember is that she is trying which means that she isnt ready for it to end either

  3. all the little parts says:

    I genuinely have no idea what’s going on with Sienna (not your fault). I just… I’d feel exactly the same as you. I’m not sure what’s going on in her head. The only thing I can think is that she thinks you are only saying you’re in crisis to get her to respond? Not saying you are but maybe that’s what she thinks? In which case after however many years you’d think she’d know you better?! She’s not being clear or consistent. If she’s going to take texts away, take them away and be clear. If not, be clear about that. If the boundaries need changing make that clear and state what they are and why. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t rush away though till you’re 100% sure and a bit calmer. Decisions made while in pits of despair or flashes of anger are rarely the right ones. It isn’t over till the fat lady sings so don’t pre-empt it. Just try and stay as calm as you hun and take care of yourself through what is a really hard, overwhelming situation. You’re doing your best and that’s what matters. Hugs xx

    • Sirena says:

      I’ve listened to the call (Yeah I record it’s calls) and she wasn’t taking them away exactly. But just talking about the complexities and considerations and more talking to be done but she admitted I absolutely need the contact especially after nightmares. But I got so triggered that it sounded so different to what she’d said yesterday because she absolutely said she wasn’t taking them away. So in my triggered state I told fine just take them away then and after about a minutes silence she said okay we’ll trial it. And that just sent me mad and quit.

      • Lauren says:

        You’ve not doubt been on edge waiting to see whether she would deliver another blow so I can understand why you’d be triggered. It sounds like she may just have been acknowledging what you’d raised about the fact she is yoyo-ing about and that’s obviously not good for you? As she is still saying she agrees you need the contact.

        So the last part is difficult. I’m not sure from a therapist point of view how that should be handled, as I imagine you said ‘just take them away’ with a bit of a tone, which would giveaway that you were saying it for a reaction, because it was too hard to speak from the real painful feelings underneath that says you feel scared and abandoned. I imagine in her silence she was trying to figure out what she could say that wouldn’t trigger you further, but it’s unlikely she could have said anything to make it better at that point. There seems to be a temporary point of no return when you’re triggered, I wonder if talking about that would be useful? If there’s something you could agree on, a coping mechanism, that either of you could invoke if one of you noticed you’d got too triggered or was close to being. You always seem to be calmer once you can blog, listen back, talk to us lot…could that be an option? Initially it might still trigger an internal ‘fuck right off’ but after a few times that could help. Or if you’re in session, maybe you guys stop speaking and you do some artwork, or take a journal with you and just write? I’ve been doing something similar myself when I’m overwhelmed, journalling helps me every single time, even if I fight it initially because I don’t want to or I shouldn’t have to or whatever. I think it would just be good to recognise this as a cycle and so put a solution in place to deal with it so it doesn’t get a chance to escalate this far each time x

      • Sirena says:

        Those are really good ideas and definitely something I’ll take to her. When the trigger is that bad, I lose touch wth reality and I can’t see properly. It all feels so real and no matter how many times smeone tells me it’s not real, well, it is to me and nothing can shake me out it.

      • Lauren says:

        Oh good. Yeah I understand it’s all feels terrible and hopeless by that point. Will you check in with her this morning?

  4. Cd says:

    Wow this is terrible. She really should be consistent. I just want to say it is OK to get help when feeling suicidal. I’m sure you know that, but I just wanted to remind you. I had to do that after a bit of a rupture… It freaked me out, when I got the same response from my t. But I really needed the extra support and time (& sleep) fit everything to calm down.

    You’ve done great at taking care of yourself. It doesn’t make sense that she is so wishy-washy. Why set up check-ins if she can’t handle it. I’m so sorry. I wish I could provide more support.

  5. heartsetonliving says:

    Hi Sirena,
    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can well appreciate how terrifying, bewildering and de-stabilising it must feel.
    You are coming across as very strong, courageous and spirited. Your blog is admirable. You clearly inspire others. Your posts have certainly helped me in my own ongoing processing and reflection.
    Please try to hold on to how valuable you are – how much YOU MATTER. You don’t deserve to die and we don’t want you to do that.
    It is difficult to fully interpret what’s going on but it does seem as though Sienna has some big issues of her own right now and that she’s not coping and so is making mistake after mistake. By that I don’t mean that she’s not coping with you because you’re too much, I don’t think you are, but that it does seem like she’s not coping with her job right now. She’s appearing unsupportive and unprofessional. It seems like you, and perhaps other clients, are bearing the brunt of what’s going on for her. My sense is that you’re not her issue but that she’s caught you up in the maelstrom of issues of her own.
    Others may have a different take but I think we’ll all agree that we admire and support you.
    This is hideous to experience but i think you can get through it, though of course I wish you didn’t have to.
    I think you have my email address from a while back, feel free to drop me a line if connecting will support you a little.
    Take care lovely. Big ((((hugs)))).
    Hxx

    • Sirena says:

      Thank you for your kind offer. And I think you’re right that she’s struggling a lot just now and that makes me want to stay away from her.

      • heartsetonliving says:

        And that’s completely understandable because at the moment she keeps piling on the agony by making a pig’s ear of sessions.
        I know this must be agonising for you. I just wonder whether it might help support you a bit if you can hold on to the thought that this isn’t about you, you haven’t caused it, you’re not at fault, and that she’s human and has stuffed up royally as sometimes humans do.
        That doesn’t minimise the impact on your therapy process because of course it’s hugely disruptive but it might help all this to feel slightly less intolerable if you don’t think that you’ve somehow caused or deserved this.

        Xx

      • Sirena says:

        It helps a bit. There’s something very powerful being played out right now and I can’t get myself out of it.

      • heartsetonliving says:

        I hear how bloody awful this is.
        Hold onto your hubby, blog when you can, for some release and connection. You’ve a lot of folks here who care and who are rooting for you.
        If valium can help and let you have some rest at least, go for it.

        Xx

      • Sirena says:

        Yep I’m going back to bed. What is it about mental breakdowns that can make u physically unwell too? I feel so sick

      • heartsetonliving says:

        It’s all connected I guess, brain and body, something like this shakes you up so much that it affects all sorts of systems. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can.
        Hope you can sleep, lovely.
        xx

  6. VeraDouglas says:

    I am so so sorry yo I have to go through this!!! It seems like there should have been no phone check in and just meet in person on Monday as everything is so confusing. One she feels bad one she is mad? You got this!!!

  7. LB says:

    We’re all still here, Sirena. Imagine that we are creating a circle around you full of warmth and love and care for your well-being.

    This is all so tough. I’m not sure what Sienna is doing…

  8. Paper Doll says:

    I don’t think you’ve done it. I think Sienna has some things that she needs to work out in regards to how this works and how she can be there for you. Boundaries and keeping us safe are their responsibility.

    They are supposed to be consistent and we are supposed to be able to trust them. Sometimes that means things shift, but they shift in a way that includes conversation, reasons, and the hearing of your needs and feelings.

    And I think that Sienna has been there in wonderful ways, and I don’t say any of this as a negative towards her. Clearly things have gotten muddied, but from what I have been reading and how clear you are about this – it doesn’t seem to be you moving the goalposts.

    Overall I’m so so sorry for the incredible amount of pain and uncertainty that exists for you right now.

  9. Andi says:

    The impression I get is that she is trying to do what is best for you, but isn’t sure what that is right now. So she wants you to have texts, but not of they upset you further or create big upsets. Maybe she’s not entirely clear on what would be the most beneficial (maybe you aren’t either?). Keep talking through this, you two will figure it out. x

    • Sirena says:

      Than;s Andi. I think she wants both… she wants to give me access to her when I need it but she wold also prefer not to do texting but she knows it triggers me like this to take things away. She wants to give me the proximity to her I need but she also wants space for herself. And it’s an impossible situation for both of us. Someone has to lose out of this and it’s got to be me, yet I’m kicking up a major storm over it. And I can’t help it, it’s trigger after trigger.

      • Andi says:

        Yeah that’s a really good point. There has to be a compromise somewhere and the person who loses *is* you. I have been in this situation so many times with my therapist and it throws me into absolute chaos each and every time. I hate the idea that she has all the power and that short of me just quitting, she gets the final say in how things go. Something about that just makes me red hot with rage. And the triggers are unbearable. Really hoping you and Sienna can find the smoothest way possible to problem solve this one.

      • Sirena says:

        Yep, you know… Sienna has done a lot of compromising to meet my needs. She does things against her better judgement because I want and need them. Maybe this time it’s my turn to bend a little and compromise. I can see that outside of the trigger. But when I’m in it… sheer terror.

  10. E says:

    Sirena,
    We are all so upset for you, and you are on so many of our minds. We are all here listening and will be there no matter how this unfolds. You’ve created a powerful place here and your writing is so amazing, it lets us all feel like we know you. At a time where you are feeling so incredibly vulnerable, take note of how in awe so many of us are of your strength. We will be there each day through this.
    E

    • Sirena says:

      Thank you E for reaching out to me. Knowing everyone is here listening and giving me their strength is so beautiful.

  11. The Everyday Warrior says:

    As ive been reading these last few posts ive noticed a few things:
    1) sienna seems too unethical and unprofessional to help u properly. She should not have threatened to take away texts in the 1st place, then say she won’t take them away then say shes taking them away again. And instead of being someone for her to lean on, especially after CSA dreams, she should be teaching you coping techniques so you don’t have to rely on her so much. Which leads me to:
    2) you rely on Sienna too much and when you can’t have her (thru text or during a break) i feel like you freak out and break down. This is not your fault…sienna should be teaching you skills and ways to cope. I dont feel shes doing that.
    3) your sessions seem to be about therapy in itself and how sienna made you mad, how she triggered you etc. Yes this is good to talk about, but when its every session it seems like your therapist isnt helping with the underlying problems…. she seems to make them worse in you.
    4) im not sure what A&E is but im guessing it’s a mental health hospital? There is nothing wrong with going to one….i actually think u could really benefit.

    I wish you the best of luck! If you want to know more about coping techniques or helpful therapy types let me know…id be glad to pass on the info! (Ps-im a fairly new reader, so i dont know what you’ve been diagnosed with)

    • Sirena says:

      You are a fairly new reader yet you’ve managed to judge my therapist as unethical, unprofessional, and me as being too needy and that we are basically doing everything wrong? That we talk about the relationship too much, when actually, the relationship IS the work for me.
      You make a lot of judgements based on very little knowledge.

    • plf1990 says:

      Gosh this is a rude and judgemental comment for someone who is new to the blog. Consider next time before you press send how what you’ve written will come across.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s