I want to leave.

I really feel like a line has been drawn in my therapy. Sienna feels like a stranger to me and I feel such a profound lack of trust in her. And I feel like I don’t want to continue with therapy.

If she can so easily step back from me and disconnect from me, then she isnt a safe person.

I don’t need a cardboard cut out therapist. I need a human. A real life human. Not this therapist bullshit cos it’s fake and wrong. Anyone who tries to be all “therapisty” with me inevitably gets it completely wrong. I don’t need it. I need a real relationship with a real person. Not one motivated by rules and psychological theory and who twists themselves in knots trying to do the right thing so much that they actually end up fucking things up massively.

I want to go back to being numb and dissociated and not giving anyone the chance to truly hurt me. I want to go back to the old days when things felt safer. Where there were no therapist’s to fuck with me, blame me, reject me or abandon me.

It makes me wonder if I’ve learned enough, built enough resilience to go it alone now? Could I do it?

The thought makes me a bit sad but to be released from this perpetual fear, and heartbreak feels like amazing freedom and release.

I don’t want to have someone in my life who could so easily leave me because I’m “ just a client” and not anyone’s problem or anyone’s responsibility or “ too much hard work.”

I don’t want someone who can just walk away from me after I’ve shown my soul and deem my broken parts as too complex, too exhausting, too much of a pull. I don’t want to have people in my life who have the ability to break me if they make the wrong move, or if I make the wrong move it will be abandonment central.

I feel so hurt. And really insecure and I’m sick of feeling like this.

If I am so much work for everyone then I’m better off alone. Maybe I’m just better off as a recluse

Sofia.

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “I want to leave.

  1. Lauren says:

    Oh Sofia 😞. It’s really good to hear from you. I hear how hopeless and shit this all feels, and it just seems inevitable you will be abandoned. Anyone in their right mind would also want to leave, that’s logical.

    But I want to challenge what it is that’s inevitable. It is not inevitable that you will be abandoned, but it is inevitable that you will be hurt. Youve said you want a human but this is what humans do, they get it wrong, they hurt each other in the process, sometimes by accident sometimes on purpose. It’s inevitable. You have your human, and she’s screwed up. And because you’re in a relationship, it’s now your turn to offer some grace for her mistakes, and work together to find out how to do things better in future.

    If you can agree that humans make mistakes, and thus it will be inevitable that you will get hurt, then the only test here is whether you can forgive her for being exactly what you need her to be, human. This is part of what makes your relationship equal, the ball is in your court here, what will you do with it?

    X

    • Sirena says:

      Well, this all just seems a bit sensible! 😛
      Do I have my human? It doesn’t seem like it right now. It seems like I have therapist who control how close or how pushed away I get. And right now she wants to push away.

      • Lauren says:

        Haha my bad!

        You do have your human, and if she pulls rank later today, that’s exactly what a mother would do too, to make sure she’s caring for you properly and fairly, even if it feels shit to you because ice-cream for breakfast seems like a great idea 😉

      • Sirena says:

        She’s not my mother. She’s making that abundantly clear this week. So she doesn’t get to pull rank. She can’t have it both ways.

      • Lauren says:

        To clarify, she has been using the control in the wrong way up till now, but she heard you (finally) and she’ll rectify that with supervision. So whatever she comes back with she should be doing it fairly from now on x

  2. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Hi Sofia. I was about to write but Lauren has said everything already! (She’s a clever one).

    It’s very scary and it feels like leaving first would help you to feel like you have a bit more control, but you won’t be happy if you left and you would miss her so much.

    See what your next session brings, she might surprise you.

    I hope you two can talk this through and come out the other side. If you do, I think you will strengthen your relationship even more. Xx

    • Sirena says:

      She wouldn’t care if I left. It literally would not impact a minute of her life. How can I be vulnerable wth someone like that?

      • twinkletoes2017 says:

        That is the fear, I hear that. But that doesn’t mean it is the truth. I think when you are scared like you are now it is very hard to remember all of the lovely things you share and the bond you have. Perhaps re-read the snow globe blog you wrote and see if it helps you to connect with more positive memories? X

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    hi sofia. I am glad you wrote! So good to get stuff out so it doesnt simmer on the inside. I hope you are able to tell sienna all this when you next see her. Therapy can be so complex. Ruptures are inevitable. But i urge you to keep going, dont give up. Sending you lots of hugs. xxx

  4. all the little parts says:

    Hi hun.

    The others have said it already but I wanted to send you a hug and encourage you to not do anything rash. I know what it’s like to feel the impulsive, angry feelings that make you wanna sabotage. It’s normal and OK. It’s good that you’re angry because that shows you know you’re worth being angry over (and you are, very much so). What happened to you was not fair, not right but we humans seem to have this annoying stupid habit of returning to what we know even if it’s painful. So if we’ve been abandoned a lot, we walk away from relationships a lot even good ones. My ex therapist said to me that even if we walk away the feelings are the same as if the other person walked away. It is not inevitable that Sienna will walk away from you but if you walk away from her, it is inevitable you will suffer the same way as if she did.

    Give her a second chance, 1 or 2 more sessions to prove herself to you again? If it’s not working then it’s not working and you can walk away knowing at least you tried, YOU didn’t give up easily.

    I really understand how you feel hun, really I do. Claire is my 14th therapist and part of my work is staying with her too. Really NOT easy, relationships are SO hard. I believe you can do it though and you will get there, we both will…

    sending hugs

    me
    x

    • Sirena says:

      That’s true what your ex therapist said.
      14 therapists? How did u keep going back?? I have nothing left iin me to keep going.

      • all the little parts says:

        Because it’s the only hope I have. I will never get any better on my own. I have to believe SOMEONE out there can help me. I think I’ve found her now but I’m scared she’ll leave me this week and so I’m angry with her too.

        Off topic, what’s your favourite thing to do Sofia?

      • Sirena says:

        Dude, I don’t think I can mention some if the things I like to do! 😂
        I like make-up stuff. Fashion, drinking cocktails! Netflix!

      • all the little parts says:

        cheeky! 🤣 oooh cocktails!! girl after my own heart. strawberry daiquiris and tequilla sunrises are my favourites (sweet tooth). Tonight, why not stick on some netflix, grab some cocktails and sit down and watch something stupid? Or even now if you’re free. I’m feeling crap today (ill and mental health issues) so I’m going to have a self-care day of doing jack and just let myself do what I need to in order to get through. Go have fun and shake it off hun, you deserve it. Glad to hear from you, stay strong x

      • Sirena says:

        Well firstly, it 9am here so that’s a tad early even for me! And tonight I’m back in therapy…not sure turning up shit-faced is a good idea ha!
        Mojito’s, or pina colada’s all the way for me, though I say that like I’m fussy. 😂

  5. Kate says:

    Hi Sofia!
    I’ve been reading the posts about sienna and ruptures are hard! Especially when therapist don’t seem to grab the point and instead make it worse! (Even though they are human etc that doesn’t make it anything easier)
    I’ve had some ruptures with my therapist and until a few months ago she would react exactly as sienna. Logical, or even hostile although that wasn’t my intention and I wasn’t blaming her. We continued until finally something clicked for my therapist (she brought her own triggers in the therapy room and wasn’t hearing what I was saying but instead reacted on the perceived trigger and she was offering solutions when all I wanted was for her to really hear me)
    Since then, things gone really well. We both have grown and can recognize when the same pattern is occurring and step in before it escalates.
    So, to make a long story short. Maybe if you would try, you could work something out with sienna. Maybe sirena could bring the blogposts you two (or more?) wrote because they are a good description of what this feels like for you two and what effect the comments sienna made has had.
    I really hope you can bring up the courage to go tonight, because you deserve to be heard and acknowledged!
    The best of luck!
    Kate

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks. I am going though I’m not sure why. I could see it far enough.
      It all depends on whether she works out what her trigger is. Wish she would cos this shit is getting old.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s