I really feel like a line has been drawn in my therapy. Sienna feels like a stranger to me and I feel such a profound lack of trust in her. And I feel like I don’t want to continue with therapy.
If she can so easily step back from me and disconnect from me, then she isnt a safe person.
I don’t need a cardboard cut out therapist. I need a human. A real life human. Not this therapist bullshit cos it’s fake and wrong. Anyone who tries to be all “therapisty” with me inevitably gets it completely wrong. I don’t need it. I need a real relationship with a real person. Not one motivated by rules and psychological theory and who twists themselves in knots trying to do the right thing so much that they actually end up fucking things up massively.
I want to go back to being numb and dissociated and not giving anyone the chance to truly hurt me. I want to go back to the old days when things felt safer. Where there were no therapist’s to fuck with me, blame me, reject me or abandon me.
It makes me wonder if I’ve learned enough, built enough resilience to go it alone now? Could I do it?
The thought makes me a bit sad but to be released from this perpetual fear, and heartbreak feels like amazing freedom and release.
I don’t want to have someone in my life who could so easily leave me because I’m “ just a client” and not anyone’s problem or anyone’s responsibility or “ too much hard work.”
I don’t want someone who can just walk away from me after I’ve shown my soul and deem my broken parts as too complex, too exhausting, too much of a pull. I don’t want to have people in my life who have the ability to break me if they make the wrong move, or if I make the wrong move it will be abandonment central.
I feel so hurt. And really insecure and I’m sick of feeling like this.
If I am so much work for everyone then I’m better off alone. Maybe I’m just better off as a recluse