On Tuesday evening, I asked Sienna for a check in. And we did that around 9pm.
I took control of the call and basically really clearly set out why I was really upset with how the session had gone. I outlined why her bringing up boundaries was hurtful, and unnecessary and pointed out her pattern of pushing me away/disconnecting before a break or in times when she’s busy and can’t meet my need for her.
I can’t say that the call resolved anything. In fact if anything it’s just made me feel more insecure.
I don’t have the capacity right now to really write in any detail about it and I probably shouldn’t quote it word for word anyway.
But the key points seem to be that she hadn’t felt like she was pulling away from me, but she was perhaps starting to unconsciously wind things down for both of us as the next break approaches. But she took on board that I’m very sensitive to tiny changes and that I’ll notice any distancing before she does.
She admitted that she didn’t know why she felt the need to talk about boundaries or pull the relationship back to the contract/more traditional place. I asked her if she felt out relationship had moved too far away from that because I didn’t. She thought about and said that no, she didn’t think the lines had blurred and we were working the way we’d contracted for.
She said she was going to take it to supervision to try and work out why she does that with me. But she does recognise now that she does it. She said that she often felt a huge pull from me and the strength of that pull can be exhausting especially when she’s tired or ill. Yeah, that was good to hear. (#sarcasm)
I asked her “ a pull to do what? What’s the pull?” Because I am not aware of pulling at her. Again she said she didn’t know what the pull was and it was something she’d need to work out in supervision and she did say it may not be anything that I am doing but rather something within her.
I don’t know if this pushing me away thing especially when tired is some sort defence or attachment based behaviour. And perhaps she feels safer at a distance when her resources are limited.
I don’t know, a whole ton of things were said that I just don’t have the mental of physical capacity to type of right now.
But once again this is all counter-transference land. And it scares me. And I feel insecure and sad. That my needs, my personality, does this to people. It makes me feel like I’m too much for everyone. And that now it doesn’t feel safe to tell her things.
I have therapy tonight. I am going but I have no idea how it will go.