I don’t know why I feel this level of mistrust and anger in Sienna. All I know is, it’s there.
And it’s making it so hard to go to therapy today. I keep challenging all the negative thoughts that enter my head because I know somewhere in my head that they aren’t based in reality. I know that this is part of my work; to stay in relationship even when I want to run.
But the impulse, the huge pull to disconnect is so convincing and demanding.
Maybe this is a pulling away and anger is a method of achieving disconnection. Maybe I subconsciously want to leave the relationship and it’s impossible to do that if I turn up for sessions because I (usually) find connection and warmth there and that’s too hard to resist.
I find myself having angry conversations with Sienna in my head, accusing her of all the things she’s done wrong. Accusing her of not caring. The evidence for which I can’t even recall right now, which tells me it’s a dissociative feeling rising up rather than reality.
One thing I know I am angry about it that she left me this entire weekend after I expressly told her I wasn’t coping and also that I felt like not coming back until this next break is done. Her reply was pretty fucking flippant.
And you know, she wasn’t well, and when I take myself out of the equation I can understand why she really could not be arsed with me. When you’re unwell you just want to rest without interruption from people demanding things of you. And technically she did the right thing, if she wasn’t well and couldn’t give me what I needed it was better for her to disengage and not be available to me rather than do a botched job of helping.
But, I can’t take me out of the equation for long. As soon as I put me IN the equation it starts to feel so personal and so painful that she chose to disengage from me. She had the knowledge that I was struggling and she decided it could wait. I could wait. That she didn’t want to be there for me this weekend. She chose to ignore my last text, apparently it wasn’t even worthy of a reply.
And just as I start to feel hurt about that, the anger takes over. And the need to disconnect deepens. The need to send a giant “fuck you” to her gets bigger.
And I catch myself thinking “ Fuck you Sienna, if you can’t be bothered, neither can I.”
I really have huge, massive trouble with separating the professional from the personal. It’s so painful to bump against those boundaries that remind that ultimately, this relationship is a professional one, that the rules are different. That other than what I pay her for, she has no obligation to me. And it confuses me. I feel very confused about it.
And really when I think about it further, even if she was to take a real mother’s role, or a close friend’s role…. Even those people have boundaries. Most mothers if unwell and their grown up children need them for non-emergency matters will ask their kid to wait. Most mother’s would still retire to bed to rest and tell their adult kid that as soon as she is feeling up to it, she’ll be in touch. Right?
And even mother’s of young children will find themselves in situations through illness or otherwise where they can’t meet the demands of their crying child. So this isn’t much different is it? Maybe it isn’t so much about professional boundaries or the relationship not being a deep enough one for her to care about my distress.
Maybe it’s just that I have really huge difficulties with not being attended to immediately. And not just that, the difficulty in understanding how someone can know I’m hurting and choose to put distance in. Whenever someone, particularly Sienna chooses to put themselves and their needs first despite knowing I need them, I find it so hard to tolerate.
Which sounds completely obnoxious. Like I have some sort of princess complex. But it’s not about me thinking I should always come first and that people should neglect their own needs to meet mine.
It’s hard to explain what my difficulty about it is. It just feels really personal, like a discount of my worth, that I don’t matter. I don’t even know if that’s fully it. I really don’t know why it bothers me so much but it affects me deeply.
There’s something about that decision, the moment that Sienna looks at her phone and sees I’ve reached out and decides “ I am turning off me phone/availability to Sirena.” Like, how is she alright with that? How could she do it? If she really cares and know everything she does about me… how is she able to just say to herself “ No, I am not dealing with this. Sirena will need to work it out for herself.” ?
There’s something about that moment that really hurts me and I don’t know why. All I know is it hurts a lot and makes me very angry.
It feels deeply personal, rejecting and maybe abandoning, I don’t know.
Maybe the belief is that I’m not valued enough to deserve that attention that I’m asking for.
The thought that just came into my head is that there’s something very triggering about Sienna putting her own needs first.
I’m not sure what that’s about.