Fucking shit. Literally cannot deal with this level of shit right now. 

Why is it that when I need to find trust and safety.. my therapist ends up moving further away and also using all the words I hate # boundaries #therapeuticrelationship #notyourmother

Just Fuck Off. 

I’m literally a crying pile of shit right now. 

I can’t survive in this space. I don’t know how to do any of it anymore. I just want to be numb again and on my own. Fuck relationships. Fuck trying. 

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60 thoughts on “

  1. wildheart says:

    I’m with you today. I sent my T 3 messages and haven’t heard anything for 4 weeks! Fuck it and yes I’m a fucking wreck too. Like fucking hell.

      • CD says:

        That’s SOOO hard. I’ve been there myself a few times when I’ve gotten up the nerve to reach out and I’m told to call a hotline number or go inpatient. Relationships are so hard!!! I think that is one reason mine has farmed me out to a trauma specialist (and continuing to see him)…so that it is a trauma team instead of one person. But it is soooo hard to take….I broke down for months. Just starting to feel somewhat safe again and I’m facing a break again. We (as a collective group) are here for you and ready to listen. I know that is not the same thing as a loving/caring T. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

      • Sirena says:

        A team would be good. She did mention that being held in a team would avoid me feeling abandoned when she reaches her limitations. And she knows talking about that triggers me. Ugh.

      • CD says:

        I haven’t met with new T yet, but I know I still craved the interaction from my main “regular T” but I did at least have someone else to talk about it with. It is the only thing getting me through this break…for a few weeks I’ll have 4 T’s!! (my main T, Trauma Specialist 1, TS 2, and a group T)….and I can still feel like this. One thing we are working on is that a reaction like this (wanting to run/quit/etc) is a VERY NORMAL trauma reaction….that thought is okay with me afterwards, but during it doesn’t help me…but I hope it brings you some comfort though.

      • Sirena says:

        Yeah that’s useful info to have. Even though I do know that, it’s good to be reminded that I’m not the only one who responds that way.

    • Sirena says:

      Oh Lauren ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜ข. I dunno. Just her intellectualizing instead of just make me feel safe. She does this all the fucking time before a break or if she hasn’t been able to be there for me for whatever reason and she starts talking about the limitations of the therapy relationship or that she’s just one person etc etc. I know the boundaries I don’t need reminded. I’m literally at the end of my rope. I can’t do relationships.

      • Lauren says:

        Oh crap ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž what made her start talking about that? Did you mention the coaching through it? Or not even get that far?

        You can, this is totally possible, but this cycle you’re in is one a son of a bitch! We just need to find the exit sign, it’s there, don’t give up hope yet xx

      • Sirena says:

        No didn’t get that far. I did tell her how her not being there for me feel and how it triggers me and that I’d felt anger and that’s when she went down the road she did. I think it’s coz she feels guilty or bad so then brings it all back to boundaries and professional relationship shite.

      • Lauren says:

        That message needs to get through, it’s key. She keeps saying those things for a reason, and I don’t think she would if she could read what you said to me yesterday, because reminding you of boundaries seems as relevant as me giving you apples when you asked for a lift to the train station ๐Ÿ˜‘. So for whatever reason, she is not getting that message.

        Take a screenshot of that comment and email it to her

      • Lauren says:

        Maybe 2 actually. Your second and fourth replies to me yesterday. In the second reply you talked about Sofia being obnoxious and that making Sienna back off. In the fourth reply you talk about Sofia needing Sienna to coach her through the anger.

        Those 2 things stand out to me as what isnt being heard/discussed

        Maybe just send her the whole damn thread ๐Ÿ™ƒ

      • Lauren says:

        OK so at the risk of pissing Sofia off…

        Ah come on!! Why not?! You wrote it SO clearly, I honestly think this is crucial. So much so, I write it out and hand deliver that shit to Sienna myself if I could!

        Who doesnt want to be that direct (you, Sofia)? What’s the fear? That she’d respond with the same boundaries stuff or something much more awful like termination?

        X

  2. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Oh nooooooooooooooo I’m so sorry to read this! I’ve been thinking of you the whole time you were there. When you’re ready, write it up and we will all be there for you. Meanwhile. Sending you love and support. X

      • Vera Douglas says:

        and I get the cannot stop crying feeling. That was me last week post my session! I didn’t feel a connection so all of a sudden I was a crying mess for hours. Maybe send a quick email or text to her to see if she can say a ew words to comfort you. I agree with someone’s comments that she seems a bit inconsistent. I get the feeling that she really really like you and cares about you, but perhaps goes over her limits sometimes in an effort to help you. I don’t think you’re too much in any way. I just think you are having an emotional flashback to something much much more painful and it’s just hard for you to realize as probably you are unsure of what triggered it. You probably know these feelings all too well from the relationship with your mom. I hate emotional flashbacks especially because often we have no awareness to what we are flashing back too. There is no concrete memory. In the midst of it however, try if at all possible to let all the little ones know that they are safe and loved and Sienna is not going anywhere or leaving.

      • Sirena says:

        Yes, she does give a lot. I don’t think it’s over her capacity or limit though- until she’s ill or tired or busy and then she feels it. And I feel it and then we have mini ruptures. I havenโ€™t felt her particularly inconsistent but it does happen sometimes. I am crying so much because I’m just feeling so uncomfortable with staying and not running from this relationship and I don’t know how to be in it right now and I feel very lost.

      • Vera Douglas says:

        if you close your eyes can you feel this pain as reminding you of something from the past? have you been hurt this way before? you will make it through this because you are not that vulnerable little girl anymore. you’re strong. maybe do a little bit of breathing/yoga to soothe yourself?

  3. metimeonline says:

    My T used to be the same. Cee, not the one who just ditched me. When she felt frustrated at her lack of ability TO be able to do something she would just end up quite harshly reminding ME of the boundaries etc. Almost as if actually they’re doing it to remind THEMSELVES. I remember saying many a time “thanks for rubbing that all in my face, I didn’t need to hear that”. I think it’s them that needs to hear it I just wish they’d do it silently in their own minds!!!

    • Sirena says:

      Ha! Exactly!!! I think she feels bad about her limitations or something and then tells me about the boundaries, WTF? I told mine that I didn’t need reminded of the boundaries because ” I’m not a fucking retard”… Yeah not my finest moment. ๐Ÿ˜ถ

      • metimeonline says:

        Well, you’re not. It’s hurtful when those walls are pointed out like they’re not already really bloomin’ obvious! Pushing away more when you need the opposite…… never going to go down well! Your reaction is perfectly understandable!

      • Sirena says:

        Yeah I’m in on Thursday then 2 sessions next week and then the break starts. We’ve talked about it before we always seem to rupture/repair b4 the break. And it always seems to be started by her withdrawing.

      • metimeonline says:

        Sometimes as well, and I’m not saying this is the case here, but what I found was … Cee withdrawing was a matter of my perception because it was me preparing myself, in a weird way, for her withdrawing on the break.

      • Sirena says:

        Could be. But in this instance I really do see this as Sienna’s pattern of mentally withdrawing before a break.

  4. Individual Medley says:

    So sorry it’s all so shit. I agree with Lauren – she’s not getting the message so you’ll have to do something to get through to her what you need. I still think you’re being amazingly strong to be able to even see what is going on with you and Sienna. If it were me I would have taken my emergency Valium and/or sleeping pill and checked out for a while โ˜น๏ธ. Take lots of care XXX

    • Sirena says:

      Well… fuck me, I have valium! I never even thought about doing that! ๐Ÿ˜‚
      I am certainly not feeling strong that’s for sure. But I’m a bit calmer than earlier. Thanks x

  5. LB says:

    I don’t know if this will help or not, but I don’t think the therapeutic relationship is a professional one. I’ve never heard it described that way. In fact, both my former and current therapist have called it a deeply personal relationship that is unlike any other in this life. Yes, we pay our therapists but that is where the stuffy nonsense ends. I’ll go even further by saying that the best in the field allow themselves to love their patients for who they are and what they have been through. And I know that Sienna loves you — she has said so!

    I guess I’m really trying to say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for hating the boundaries because they can seem out of place in what is an otherwise rich and complex relationship.

    • Sirena says:

      I agree with you. It is a deeply personal relationship which is why it hurts when she jabbers shite about professional boundaries and limitations. It’s like me telling my husband that yes I love him but what we have is a contractual agreement to couple hood. How cold? It’s like when she says that she reduces a relationship which means the world to me to a professional working alliance. It hurts.
      I don’t know how she feels about me. She certainly hasn’t told me she loves me in a year and a half or something.
      Thanks for what you’ve said here though.

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