Hello, Anger.

Why am I creating a rupture? Why am I doing that?

I watch myself from far back and just shake my head as I watch it all unfold.

I know I’m doing it. I know it leads nowhere, that my reactions are unhelpful and don’t get me what I want or need so why am I doing it?

I don’t know why. I can’t pick out a reason for it other than I am compelled to do so. The pull of it, is too strong to resist. I feel angry, amongst other things. It feels like there’s a storm inside of me; a huge tornado of emotions and thoughts and voices that swirl so fast that I can’t even see properly what’s in it, what emotional debris is caught up in that vortex. Occasionally, a piece of the emotional debris gets thrown out and I’ll hear a word or a sentence or a feeling but it flies out so fast that It’s hard to catch and pin down and it just disappears overhead and I’m back to not really knowing what this big tornado is about or how to tame it.

So that’s the inside. But on the outside, I feel good, I feel happy and grounded in the present. I am me. I think. I am contented. I am not dissociated. And I am only vaguely aware of the building tension of the tornado inside.

This week has been strange. Since last weekend I’ve felt the stirrings of the parts. Like they’re suddenly becoming awake and have things to say. Everyone has gone away while Sienna was on holiday, it’s been peaceful, very peaceful. I have loved this me, who is calm and content and super cheerful and who lives in the present. This me can cope with things. This me can acknowledge the bad stuff from the past but doesn’t really feel much about it. And that doesn’t mean it’s dissociated- more like, it’s integrated memories that don’t hurt so much anymore and certainly don’t influence my days and relationships now.

But as the younger parts stirred last weekend, urges for self-harm arose for no reason. Random moments of fear and distress would rise out of nowhere for a few seconds or a few minutes at most and then disappear and all would go quiet again. I knew that I didn’t have much longer before other parts got louder and this me was overtaken.

I haven’t fought the parts, but every-time their pain and distress or fear arose I just sort of centred myself, reminded myself how good it is for me to be out, how good life is when I am running the ship. I am the capable adult and life is peaceful and easier to navigate. Whenever I’ve felt that tornado forming inside of me this week, I’ve just sort of observed it and let it come and go and like I said, just tried to switch my attention to now, to the present where things are good and where I am an adult. And that has worked. It’s kind of like having a split screen on the laptop with two different movies playing but choosing to crop or minimise the screen so I can only see the movie I want to. The other movie is still playing, but I’m choosing to focus on just one.

I’ve been trying to observe this process sort of from a distance, to watch it happen rather than get suddenly submerged in it.

As the week has progressed, I’ve noticed the internal parts get stronger each day. I’ve noticed how I’ve began to get ever so slightly more dissociated and confused at times; sometimes not knowing what day it is at all. It’s like “Me”, this me, the one I’ve been while Sienna was on holiday in order to cope… is fading. I’m going away. Soon someone else will take over. It’s like the dissociation creeps and creeps over me and pulls me further and further back and whoever in the background wants to come out or needs to, will soon come to the front.

It’s like it can only happen if the dissociation is strong enough because if I stay present, and keep grounding myself in the here and now, it keeps the foggy dissociation at bay. But I don’t think that tactic can work all the time. I don’t think if I just stay present that it will stop another part from taking over. I think situations that arise that any of the parts feel triggered by or threatened by, can immediately prompt a switch or a highly dissociative state and I have no control over that, it is instantaneous.

I also think there can be a merging of parts. Sometimes the merge is subtle and although I might be aware of another part beside me, if we sort of blend together then it’s harder to tell who is saying/feeling what, and then a switch can happen and I’ve not known.

This is complicated stuff. I don’t have all the answers, not by a long shot!

One question I have for example, how do all the parts get information? They seem to “go away” like when Sienna is on a break. My system eventually sends out a helper part, an adult who is great with breaks and the young parts who gets very distressed about Sienna’s breaks, go away… but where do they go? Are they aware they’ve gone? And if they really go away, then how do they still know when they come to the front everything (or most things) when they come back?

If I was not co-conscious D.I.D and more traditional D.I.D then the parts that fronted wouldn’t have the information of what the other parts had been up to or who they’d talked to. There would be complete amnesia. And unless in therapy for it, they’d maybe not even be aware they had parts/alters.

But it seriously blows my mind, how does this stuff work…. Where do they go? How can they be “away” I.E not active yet when they come forward, they’ll possess the information needed, they’ll somehow know/remember conversations? Unless of course in times or great distress/dissociation, when my memory gets worse and amnesia seeps in.

And where IS “away”? What are they doing when I’m out here going about real life? Is it like a pause button? Do they just pause themselves, cease to exist until needed… but then that doesn’t explain how they can get triggered by things in my environment?

So yeah, this week I’ve felt the pent up tension ebb and flow but with every day, intensifying. I’ve wanted to reach out to Sienna, yet I’ve not been able to pin down a proper thought or feeling so what would I say? I’m in a place I’ve been lots of times before where I –  or rather, a part, has wanted to reach out for safety or for comfort and yet, for the me that’s in the moment, in the present, everything is fine. There’s nothing wrong. And if there’s nothing wrong, then there’s no need to contact her.

All there is, is this inexplicable tornado gathering speed inside and I can’t catch enough sense of it to say what’s wrong. I don’t know what I need and I don’t know what Sienna could possibly say or do to help me. So I end up just sitting with it until it passes. And so far, it has passed. But each time seems more intense than the last.

I’m trying really hard to keep my shit together. Now is not a good time to fall apart, I can’t be losing control with only 2 weeks before the next break comes up. I really want to stay in this adult space where everything feels better.

I started writing down the random thoughts as they flew up while watching tv. Every time I heard one of the parts I’d write down what they’d say. I can hear/feel the distressed parts who are crying in pain and fear.

I finally reached out to Sienna via text on Thursday. I told her I was struggling to keep control of the parts and struggling to stay as the adult coping part. She wrote some encouraging words. I didn’t reply because really as suspected there’s nothing she could say to help this place I’m in.

I observed throughout Thursday evening this intense push/pull of the attachment dilemma. The push; Feeling angry that somehow Sienna didn’t fix it, that she didn’t rescue me from this shitty feeling, anger about her breaks, anger about the space between us. I felt huge mistrust towards her and thoughts of how she can’t be trusted sprung up. Bitter feelings of how she doesn’t care about me, that this relationship is fake as it comes. Wanting to quit therapy, wanting to run away from the relationship, this person who has become way too close to me, way too important to me. I wanted to gain space from it all.

And yet the pull; the need for her, the need for her constant attention, the need for her proximity, the desperation to find safety and containment within her.

It was like the needy, clinging crying child versus the embittered, cynical teen who knows all people are shit and will ultimately abandon you.

And in the middle was me, the rational adult feeling bombarded and confused about what to do or how to resolve this.

I knew all those feelings weren’t from the present. But that never makes it any easier to deal with.

I went to bed late, in fact it was 4am Friday morning. I knew I had a check-in with Sienna at 8:30am but I was feeling pretty ambivalent about it. I didn’t know how to express myself, I didn’t know what to say. And there was still the teenage anger and a feeling of wanting to create distance. So I deliberately didn’t set my alarm.

I didn’t want to speak to Sienna. I wanted the space. I felt so on edge that I knew speaking with her and possibly not getting what I needed would trigger me for the whole weekend and I’m trying so hard to avoid that from happening. I was scared speaking to her would open up this tornado that’s swirling around inside of me and she wouldn’t say or do the right thing in that short call and that would just destabilise me.

So I slept through.

Eventually, when I woke up in the afternoon, I felt a tiny bit of disappointment that she never text me when I didn’t call. I always call. And that disappointment immediately turned into resentment and anger.

And I was pissed off at myself too. I should have got up to call her if I wanted to speak to her so much! And I also felt bad that I’d not even acknowledged my absence.

I was still feeling very “off”. And I wanted to speak to her now… although I was still scared of it de-stabilising me.

Deep down I think I knew that she wouldn’t have been able to help me today. Because I don’t even know what’s wrong. When I’m in this place, nothing seems to help.

I text her to say sorry for missing our check-in. She replied that it was okay and she asked if I was alright?

I appreciated her concern, though it would have been nice if she could have been concerned this morning instead of waiting to hear from me. ( #fakeconcern?)

I told her very briefly what I was feeling and she replied with fairly generic and useless advice. It always sounds so fucking disinterested when she does that. I just knew that nothing she could say was going to help. And I really wanted to tell her that I wanted to stop anymore communication with her this weekend because everything she said, every interaction was triggering the shit out of me. I didn’t even want her to reply an agreeance to my text because I knew even that was going to send me over the edge. But I couldn’t bite that bullet. I couldn’t say that because another part of me was desperate for some sort of contact that might soothe me. It was all so impossible.

And I felt angry. So much anger. So I pushed and I was sarcastic/bitchy.

And she didn’t respond. And we all know I LOVE that, right?

I haven’t been feeling to well this week and have been on anti-biotics and so I returned to bed and fell asleep. I was trying so hard not to turn into a raging bitch and I tried to reason that maybe she’s just busy, and I told myself to not assume she’s ignoring my escalating texts.

But 3 hours later I woke up and still no reply.

“Fuck this” I thought.

I angrily sent off a text “ Oh, is this the part where you just ignore me for the rest of the week? Great. That always helps things. Well done.”

Fuck You Sienna.

She replied a bit later to say she’s was sorry for how I was feeling and explained that she’d taken the afternoon off work and went back to bed because she’s still unwell and that’s why she hadn’t answered, she’d been asleep.

She ended it with “ I’ll be resting this weekend. I’ll see you Monday.”

I took that to mean “ I will not be available to you this weekend, so stop texting me.”

And obviously this was a red rag to a raging bull.

But I also felt guilty because she was obviously really unwell if she took the afternoon off. She’s never ill. And here’s me being an unnecessarily acrid bitch.

Yet, I wasn’t ready to let go. I couldn’t go the whole weekend without some sort of contact (which of course I have precisely zero entitlement too since I slept my allocated time off on purpose.)

I apologised. And I told her I’m really struggling and I’m feeling like just not coming back until after her next break is done with.

Part of me just wanted to create so much space, so much distance from her, that it seemed and still seems like a really good idea. What’s the point of all this intensity and hurt and pain for her just to fuck off once again for another 13 days?? I’m so sick of this bullshit!

I want to feel sane. I want to feel on an equilibrium. I want to cling to this adult part who’s really feeling pretty good and contented and the one thing in the way of that is Sienna.

Opening myself up to someone that much. That level of authenticity and emotional intimacy brings way too much chaos. There’s literally no one else in this world who knows me like she does. This relationship constantly demands so much of me.

Not because Sienna demands anything of me. I don’t mean that. But the act of staying in relationship with her demands so much of me emotionally and mentally, that it means all my attachment patterns are activated big style. I am constantly having to reorganise myself, my thought patterns and hardest of all, my behaviour. I am constantly working within the discomfort of someone knowing me, of allowing someone to matter to me to that level, allowing someone to take care of me and allowing someone to be my trusted inner circle. It’s too hard.

This is the work, I get it. And I’m prepared to do it, but how do I do remain balanced and in my adult place when being close to her sends my attachment patterns into utter meltdown?

Most of the time I’m prepared for that risk and for the chaos because I know Sienna is there to support me. But since there’s another impending break… I just don’t want to indulge in it right now.

Sienna replied and said that I always feel that way and that’s okay but she’ll be there on Monday anyway and that I can choose what is right for me.

UGH!!! FFS!!!!

I hope it’s those germs fucking up her brain cells temporarily because that was a shitty reply.

Where’s the containment, Sienna? COME ON! We’ve been through this a million times.

I get it, I am boring and predictable as hell! I KNOW THIS. But it doesn’t mean I am not hurting right now. It doesn’t mean that I am not desperately trying to find some way to stabilise myself. I am looking for containment and some fucking empathy. Maybe you’ve sneezed that out this week?

Me creating space by not coming is a sign of serious fucking overwhelm. And yes, 99.9% of the time I end up turning up for my session. And yes, I am approx. 89% sure I’ll turn up Monday anyway. And I am 100% sure you are taking what I say with a pinch of salt. But could you at least PRETEND to care? Could you maybe just fake an ounce of concern or hell, even attempt some containment? NO????

I get it, you’re sick this week, you can’t be arsed with my dramatics. I deserve nothing. I didn’t even turn up for our scheduled check-in ( Which should also be a serious red flag bytheway). Why put any effort into this, when you know I’ll most likely turn up anyway? You know you can literally put zero effort or care in and I will turn up like a good little sheep because my stupid attachment pattern and dumb ass child parts need to.

Don’t think I don’t see this Sienna. I see it.

But every-time you switch off to me, for whatever reason. Don’t think I don’t feel it. Don’t think that I see your complete lack of care. Don’t ever think I forget it. And don’t ever think that you are not abandoning the most vulnerable and hurt parts of me. I might still turn up, but I don’t forget.

(ummm…. Think Sofia just turned up there. ^^^^ )

 

 

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Hello, Anger.

  1. This.shaking says:

    I so get this, Sirena.. It so sucks. I’m in a bad spot myself now so can’t think properly, oh, what would Adult TS say to Sirena to show we care .. so, here we are, Sirena, getting it. TS

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    hey sirena i am sorry. this sucks. it sounds like your attachment patterns have definitely been heightened and activated. I hate when hat happens! Everything seems so much worse then. xxx

  3. JuliaRoos says:

    We are having a break with our T now
    5 weeks feels like a year😕
    We dont text him durin his vakasion lots he want space we give him space
    but get mad to
    it feel like he no want us but we know is bekaus he need load his batteries he sayd so and he come bakk rested and do betr job he sayd
    he will text bakk once When we say need a life sign
    have problem with out of sight out of mind
    he leavd us stuffie dog is terapy dog😆
    Others inside no go away thei just hide or rest in safety inside with protektors durin stresful time on outside
    thei be bakk when you is readi for it
    thei probibli no wanna overwhelmd you on purpes you know
    Your doin good job
    take care of yous and be kind to your selves

  4. Lauren says:

    I was literally reading this thinking, oh hey we’ve switched to Sofia… and then saw you last sentence.

    I hear you Sofia. You know you want and need Sienna but at the same time you hate that feeling. It doesn’t feel like it makes any sense at times, it brings utter conflict. You’re mad at Sienna for not fixing it, because you know she can’t, it has to be you. And that absolutely fucking sucks and it isn’t fair, because it shouldnt have to be something for you to do. You didn’t get the love and care you should have had as a child, when adults should have been making the tough decisions to give you the best chance at a happy life. You’ve been let down, and it’s left your adult self to sort it out. Thats shit, and unfair and you have every right to be angry about that, to be hurt and sad that things went that way. It wasn’t fair, it’s still not fair. Moments like this are hard, but don’t forget all you have done and achieved. You have let Sienna into your life, you have trusted her, you have let yourself be vulnerable, in order to heal. That is a big ask, that many people never do, because it is so difficult to go through the unavoidable emotions and pain it stirs up. It is easier to never address it. You are addressing it, you are determined and you are strong. That means you will have moments that feel shit, moments when it gets a bit too much and you need to let off some steam, maybe step back for a moment. But you keep coming back, because you know this is the right way to go. You got this, you’re doing it, keep going xxx

    • Sirena says:

      Haha I love that you noticed Sofia slipping in. I didn’t until the end! And the was like… oh hai Sofia!!
      Thanks for speaking to her. Not sure she’s ready to accept that she has to do this for herself yet. I feel a lot of resistance around that. X

      • Lauren says:

        Haha!

        Well she said it straight, she needs empathy, she needs to be heard, and I get it because I’ve been experiencing the same thing myself this very week. I had a real moment oh realising I was holding out for an adult to come and save me, and it was utterly shit to realise noone was going to, because noone could, that time had passed.

        I think she does really need that empathy from Sienna, as she is the attachment figure now. To be able to say how awful this all feels, to talk about how much it hurts. I wonder if she doesn’t trust Sienna with that yet? In case she doesn’t respond with the empathy she needs? As this isnt the first time Sofia has written about Sienna not responding in a way that she feels heard. She doesn’t sound like she actually wants a solution as such, even though her words at time ask Sienna to just fix it, being heard is always mixed in. She knows Sienna will be there each week and the other information Sienna has been offering. She needs to be heard, and feel safe that she won’t be dismissed or diverted straight to moving on. Does that resonate with her at all? I just really get the feeling she has not had the time she needs (however long that is) to connect with how she feels about it whilst someone (Sienna or you) is listening to be able to acknowledging it
        X

      • Sirena says:

        You’re totally right. Sofia hasn’t been around much lately and she had had feeling of anger about the break but has never gotten to process it properly. Usually because the younger parts get more of Sienna’s attention. The vulnerability and distress always trumps the needs of the moody angry teen. Sofia doesn’t need solutions she needs and equally fears connection. She doesn’t know how to get it or how ask for it without being too vulnerable so she just ends up frustrated and angry and kicks out. It feels like whenever Sofia pops up, because her ways are loud and brash/obnoxious, Sienna backs off a bit. Which makes Sofia angrier and eventually just gives up trying to be heard and she disconnects or goes away.

      • Lauren says:

        Of course, Sienna backing off just completely confirms Sofias fears every time 😞. I’m sure Sienna would correct this if she knew, it’s like she is caught in that bad cycle with Sofia and its going to take another voice to point it out. I understand that would upset Sofia too, because Sienna should know, it’s her job, why should Sofia or anyone else on her behalf have to point it out? Right or wrong, this is where it’s at, and it’s painful, don’t stay there too much longer. If Sofia can hold back the brash, to just say that shes hurting and wants to be heard, I think that would be an amazing step x

      • Sirena says:

        I know that Sienna really likes Sofia, I think she has a real soft spot for her so this backing off or avoidance has been a total unconscious thing or an oversight by both of us actually. I’ve allowed Sofia’s feelings to go unheard too. I mean she hasn’t been around much at all, I really haven’t felt her for a while, but I have heard her randomly say things but just let it wash over me and not really give it attention.

      • Lauren says:

        It really sounds to me like a genuine mother daughter relationship, and that’s perhaps why this is unconsciously happening, if she fully had her therapist hat on it might not. Your children can push your buttons like no other 😊. I would understand why you’ve let her go unheard, not that you mean to do harm but I imagine quite the opposite, maybe to contain her to keep you and all the parts safe because Sofias presence is the one that causes the avoidance in Sienna. But I think she’s just your typical misunderstood teenager, she’s not saying what she means when she’s angry, she need everyone else to be a mind reader at this age ☺️. Do you write down what she says? Or could you? Im just wondering what honesty might unfold if you capture those thoughts, as just by capturing them let’s her know you heard her, that she’s not invisible, and is more likely then to trust and speak more x

      • Sirena says:

        Again, you make some really great points. It feels like Sienna says she loves Sofia, yet Sofia is my angry part, my defended part and her job is anger and pushing away. She does what she was created for, yet Sienna allows Sofia to push away because she retreats from her quite often. So I’ve learned just not to let Sofia speak. Becase what’s the point? It doesn’t get me anywhere. Sofia doesn’t know how to be anything else because her job is to defend, it’s all she knows. And Sienna says that Sofias anger makes people retreat and doesn’t get her what she wants, but in those moments of anger I need Sienna not to retreat, but to coach Sofia through it. Literally teach her in the moment how to communicate it better. How to hold the anger better.
        I do let Sofia write, but it’s usually just angry ranting rather than how she feels, although she alludes to how she feels sometimes. And of course she came out at the end in this blog post which was a bit of surprise for me.
        I think Sienna has mistook Sofia’s quietness of late to be a sign that she’s feeling calm lately but over the past few months I’ve heard Sofia say defeatedly ” Why bother saying I’m angry, it doesn’t get me anywhere. No one wants to hear what I have to say.” She feels worn down, defeated and stifled. Despite that she does have trust in Sienna which is also why it hasn’t all kicked off in a huge way.

  5. Kate says:

    WoW, there are so many things to comment on so, here we go 😉 (and you pick and choose what works for you/helps you in any way)
    Anger/creating ruptures. Sometimes it feels like anger for me, but underneath is so much sadness and fear because of the attachment and the hurt that brings. So maybe the push/pull you feel is some sort of protection?
    Being stable when sienna is away.
    For me, it’s like there is this denial that becomes so strong, so it’s not really functioning as well as trying to survive without the containment and connection that therapy brings. It’s like we sink back in old ways of surviving when bad things were happening. I don’t know if that’s the case for you all, but maybe it could be one of the reasons.
    Merging of parts.
    I recognize this part a lot. Usually pushing away the parts with the hard feelings can work for a while but they still blend with the one functioning on the outside and that blending comes and goes, like an ocean. Or like this caleidoscope with all this different kinds of glass and they form different patterns, belonging togheter and yet so different.
    I don’t know where they go when I’m not feeling them. Hell, I don’t know where I go when I’m not here. Inside the head? I don’t know. It’s strange and somewhat scary to think about.
    On contacting sienna when not really having a proper reason to do so.
    I so recognize this bit, and usually for me, it helps to just start writing and usually the reason why surfaces. And when it doesn’t, I just write something like it would really help to know you’re still here. its so hard when there is this clashing of contrasting feelings but to me, it sounds like there where some younger parts that really needed the connection with sienna. Maybe because she was sick? I know for some parts of me, that is really really scary.
    Maybe the rupture on Friday had something to do with all this scary to many feelings volcano inside and you just had to lush sienna away because it felt unsafe and unstable?
    I don’t know, just some thoughts.
    Thinking of you.

    • Sirena says:

      Hi Kate 🙂
      Yes I think the push pull is definitely a protection system that kicks in. Especially the push away.
      About the stability thing, I am not sure whether it was true stability or just going back to old ways. I can’t decide, as it feels like a bit of both. I feel like I am making progress with coping with the breaks, I have more of a deep felt knowing that she’ll be back. The stability felt very real, as did this coping adult part. But I know that eventually I would have reverted to the detached coping of old. I’ll need to think on this some more.
      Writing definitely helps me too. I did feel fleeting fear about her being unwell and worried about m session on Monday being cancelled.
      Thanks for your thoughts 🙂

  6. Blooming Lily says:

    A lot of this post, the parts about Sienna (feeling the deep, deep need, yet also wanting the distance, knowing that nothing she can say will help but trying anyway, feeling a storm brewing underneath a calm and collected outer presentation) resonates with me so much, especially with recent events with T. It’s so, so painful and you articulated it so well. ❤ Sending lots of love.

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