Why am I creating a rupture? Why am I doing that?
I watch myself from far back and just shake my head as I watch it all unfold.
I know I’m doing it. I know it leads nowhere, that my reactions are unhelpful and don’t get me what I want or need so why am I doing it?
I don’t know why. I can’t pick out a reason for it other than I am compelled to do so. The pull of it, is too strong to resist. I feel angry, amongst other things. It feels like there’s a storm inside of me; a huge tornado of emotions and thoughts and voices that swirl so fast that I can’t even see properly what’s in it, what emotional debris is caught up in that vortex. Occasionally, a piece of the emotional debris gets thrown out and I’ll hear a word or a sentence or a feeling but it flies out so fast that It’s hard to catch and pin down and it just disappears overhead and I’m back to not really knowing what this big tornado is about or how to tame it.
So that’s the inside. But on the outside, I feel good, I feel happy and grounded in the present. I am me. I think. I am contented. I am not dissociated. And I am only vaguely aware of the building tension of the tornado inside.
This week has been strange. Since last weekend I’ve felt the stirrings of the parts. Like they’re suddenly becoming awake and have things to say. Everyone has gone away while Sienna was on holiday, it’s been peaceful, very peaceful. I have loved this me, who is calm and content and super cheerful and who lives in the present. This me can cope with things. This me can acknowledge the bad stuff from the past but doesn’t really feel much about it. And that doesn’t mean it’s dissociated- more like, it’s integrated memories that don’t hurt so much anymore and certainly don’t influence my days and relationships now.
But as the younger parts stirred last weekend, urges for self-harm arose for no reason. Random moments of fear and distress would rise out of nowhere for a few seconds or a few minutes at most and then disappear and all would go quiet again. I knew that I didn’t have much longer before other parts got louder and this me was overtaken.
I haven’t fought the parts, but every-time their pain and distress or fear arose I just sort of centred myself, reminded myself how good it is for me to be out, how good life is when I am running the ship. I am the capable adult and life is peaceful and easier to navigate. Whenever I’ve felt that tornado forming inside of me this week, I’ve just sort of observed it and let it come and go and like I said, just tried to switch my attention to now, to the present where things are good and where I am an adult. And that has worked. It’s kind of like having a split screen on the laptop with two different movies playing but choosing to crop or minimise the screen so I can only see the movie I want to. The other movie is still playing, but I’m choosing to focus on just one.
I’ve been trying to observe this process sort of from a distance, to watch it happen rather than get suddenly submerged in it.
As the week has progressed, I’ve noticed the internal parts get stronger each day. I’ve noticed how I’ve began to get ever so slightly more dissociated and confused at times; sometimes not knowing what day it is at all. It’s like “Me”, this me, the one I’ve been while Sienna was on holiday in order to cope… is fading. I’m going away. Soon someone else will take over. It’s like the dissociation creeps and creeps over me and pulls me further and further back and whoever in the background wants to come out or needs to, will soon come to the front.
It’s like it can only happen if the dissociation is strong enough because if I stay present, and keep grounding myself in the here and now, it keeps the foggy dissociation at bay. But I don’t think that tactic can work all the time. I don’t think if I just stay present that it will stop another part from taking over. I think situations that arise that any of the parts feel triggered by or threatened by, can immediately prompt a switch or a highly dissociative state and I have no control over that, it is instantaneous.
I also think there can be a merging of parts. Sometimes the merge is subtle and although I might be aware of another part beside me, if we sort of blend together then it’s harder to tell who is saying/feeling what, and then a switch can happen and I’ve not known.
This is complicated stuff. I don’t have all the answers, not by a long shot!
One question I have for example, how do all the parts get information? They seem to “go away” like when Sienna is on a break. My system eventually sends out a helper part, an adult who is great with breaks and the young parts who gets very distressed about Sienna’s breaks, go away… but where do they go? Are they aware they’ve gone? And if they really go away, then how do they still know when they come to the front everything (or most things) when they come back?
If I was not co-conscious D.I.D and more traditional D.I.D then the parts that fronted wouldn’t have the information of what the other parts had been up to or who they’d talked to. There would be complete amnesia. And unless in therapy for it, they’d maybe not even be aware they had parts/alters.
But it seriously blows my mind, how does this stuff work…. Where do they go? How can they be “away” I.E not active yet when they come forward, they’ll possess the information needed, they’ll somehow know/remember conversations? Unless of course in times or great distress/dissociation, when my memory gets worse and amnesia seeps in.
And where IS “away”? What are they doing when I’m out here going about real life? Is it like a pause button? Do they just pause themselves, cease to exist until needed… but then that doesn’t explain how they can get triggered by things in my environment?
So yeah, this week I’ve felt the pent up tension ebb and flow but with every day, intensifying. I’ve wanted to reach out to Sienna, yet I’ve not been able to pin down a proper thought or feeling so what would I say? I’m in a place I’ve been lots of times before where I – or rather, a part, has wanted to reach out for safety or for comfort and yet, for the me that’s in the moment, in the present, everything is fine. There’s nothing wrong. And if there’s nothing wrong, then there’s no need to contact her.
All there is, is this inexplicable tornado gathering speed inside and I can’t catch enough sense of it to say what’s wrong. I don’t know what I need and I don’t know what Sienna could possibly say or do to help me. So I end up just sitting with it until it passes. And so far, it has passed. But each time seems more intense than the last.
I’m trying really hard to keep my shit together. Now is not a good time to fall apart, I can’t be losing control with only 2 weeks before the next break comes up. I really want to stay in this adult space where everything feels better.
I started writing down the random thoughts as they flew up while watching tv. Every time I heard one of the parts I’d write down what they’d say. I can hear/feel the distressed parts who are crying in pain and fear.
I finally reached out to Sienna via text on Thursday. I told her I was struggling to keep control of the parts and struggling to stay as the adult coping part. She wrote some encouraging words. I didn’t reply because really as suspected there’s nothing she could say to help this place I’m in.
I observed throughout Thursday evening this intense push/pull of the attachment dilemma. The push; Feeling angry that somehow Sienna didn’t fix it, that she didn’t rescue me from this shitty feeling, anger about her breaks, anger about the space between us. I felt huge mistrust towards her and thoughts of how she can’t be trusted sprung up. Bitter feelings of how she doesn’t care about me, that this relationship is fake as it comes. Wanting to quit therapy, wanting to run away from the relationship, this person who has become way too close to me, way too important to me. I wanted to gain space from it all.
And yet the pull; the need for her, the need for her constant attention, the need for her proximity, the desperation to find safety and containment within her.
It was like the needy, clinging crying child versus the embittered, cynical teen who knows all people are shit and will ultimately abandon you.
And in the middle was me, the rational adult feeling bombarded and confused about what to do or how to resolve this.
I knew all those feelings weren’t from the present. But that never makes it any easier to deal with.
I went to bed late, in fact it was 4am Friday morning. I knew I had a check-in with Sienna at 8:30am but I was feeling pretty ambivalent about it. I didn’t know how to express myself, I didn’t know what to say. And there was still the teenage anger and a feeling of wanting to create distance. So I deliberately didn’t set my alarm.
I didn’t want to speak to Sienna. I wanted the space. I felt so on edge that I knew speaking with her and possibly not getting what I needed would trigger me for the whole weekend and I’m trying so hard to avoid that from happening. I was scared speaking to her would open up this tornado that’s swirling around inside of me and she wouldn’t say or do the right thing in that short call and that would just destabilise me.
So I slept through.
Eventually, when I woke up in the afternoon, I felt a tiny bit of disappointment that she never text me when I didn’t call. I always call. And that disappointment immediately turned into resentment and anger.
And I was pissed off at myself too. I should have got up to call her if I wanted to speak to her so much! And I also felt bad that I’d not even acknowledged my absence.
I was still feeling very “off”. And I wanted to speak to her now… although I was still scared of it de-stabilising me.
Deep down I think I knew that she wouldn’t have been able to help me today. Because I don’t even know what’s wrong. When I’m in this place, nothing seems to help.
I text her to say sorry for missing our check-in. She replied that it was okay and she asked if I was alright?
I appreciated her concern, though it would have been nice if she could have been concerned this morning instead of waiting to hear from me. ( #fakeconcern?)
I told her very briefly what I was feeling and she replied with fairly generic and useless advice. It always sounds so fucking disinterested when she does that. I just knew that nothing she could say was going to help. And I really wanted to tell her that I wanted to stop anymore communication with her this weekend because everything she said, every interaction was triggering the shit out of me. I didn’t even want her to reply an agreeance to my text because I knew even that was going to send me over the edge. But I couldn’t bite that bullet. I couldn’t say that because another part of me was desperate for some sort of contact that might soothe me. It was all so impossible.
And I felt angry. So much anger. So I pushed and I was sarcastic/bitchy.
And she didn’t respond. And we all know I LOVE that, right?
I haven’t been feeling to well this week and have been on anti-biotics and so I returned to bed and fell asleep. I was trying so hard not to turn into a raging bitch and I tried to reason that maybe she’s just busy, and I told myself to not assume she’s ignoring my escalating texts.
But 3 hours later I woke up and still no reply.
“Fuck this” I thought.
I angrily sent off a text “ Oh, is this the part where you just ignore me for the rest of the week? Great. That always helps things. Well done.”
Fuck You Sienna.
She replied a bit later to say she’s was sorry for how I was feeling and explained that she’d taken the afternoon off work and went back to bed because she’s still unwell and that’s why she hadn’t answered, she’d been asleep.
She ended it with “ I’ll be resting this weekend. I’ll see you Monday.”
I took that to mean “ I will not be available to you this weekend, so stop texting me.”
And obviously this was a red rag to a raging bull.
But I also felt guilty because she was obviously really unwell if she took the afternoon off. She’s never ill. And here’s me being an unnecessarily acrid bitch.
Yet, I wasn’t ready to let go. I couldn’t go the whole weekend without some sort of contact (which of course I have precisely zero entitlement too since I slept my allocated time off on purpose.)
I apologised. And I told her I’m really struggling and I’m feeling like just not coming back until after her next break is done with.
Part of me just wanted to create so much space, so much distance from her, that it seemed and still seems like a really good idea. What’s the point of all this intensity and hurt and pain for her just to fuck off once again for another 13 days?? I’m so sick of this bullshit!
I want to feel sane. I want to feel on an equilibrium. I want to cling to this adult part who’s really feeling pretty good and contented and the one thing in the way of that is Sienna.
Opening myself up to someone that much. That level of authenticity and emotional intimacy brings way too much chaos. There’s literally no one else in this world who knows me like she does. This relationship constantly demands so much of me.
Not because Sienna demands anything of me. I don’t mean that. But the act of staying in relationship with her demands so much of me emotionally and mentally, that it means all my attachment patterns are activated big style. I am constantly having to reorganise myself, my thought patterns and hardest of all, my behaviour. I am constantly working within the discomfort of someone knowing me, of allowing someone to matter to me to that level, allowing someone to take care of me and allowing someone to be my trusted inner circle. It’s too hard.
This is the work, I get it. And I’m prepared to do it, but how do I do remain balanced and in my adult place when being close to her sends my attachment patterns into utter meltdown?
Most of the time I’m prepared for that risk and for the chaos because I know Sienna is there to support me. But since there’s another impending break… I just don’t want to indulge in it right now.
Sienna replied and said that I always feel that way and that’s okay but she’ll be there on Monday anyway and that I can choose what is right for me.
I hope it’s those germs fucking up her brain cells temporarily because that was a shitty reply.
Where’s the containment, Sienna? COME ON! We’ve been through this a million times.
I get it, I am boring and predictable as hell! I KNOW THIS. But it doesn’t mean I am not hurting right now. It doesn’t mean that I am not desperately trying to find some way to stabilise myself. I am looking for containment and some fucking empathy. Maybe you’ve sneezed that out this week?
Me creating space by not coming is a sign of serious fucking overwhelm. And yes, 99.9% of the time I end up turning up for my session. And yes, I am approx. 89% sure I’ll turn up Monday anyway. And I am 100% sure you are taking what I say with a pinch of salt. But could you at least PRETEND to care? Could you maybe just fake an ounce of concern or hell, even attempt some containment? NO????
I get it, you’re sick this week, you can’t be arsed with my dramatics. I deserve nothing. I didn’t even turn up for our scheduled check-in ( Which should also be a serious red flag bytheway). Why put any effort into this, when you know I’ll most likely turn up anyway? You know you can literally put zero effort or care in and I will turn up like a good little sheep because my stupid attachment pattern and dumb ass child parts need to.
Don’t think I don’t see this Sienna. I see it.
But every-time you switch off to me, for whatever reason. Don’t think I don’t feel it. Don’t think that I see your complete lack of care. Don’t ever think I forget it. And don’t ever think that you are not abandoning the most vulnerable and hurt parts of me. I might still turn up, but I don’t forget.
(ummm…. Think Sofia just turned up there. ^^^^ )