Dream

This morning (6am) I really struggled to fall asleep. I eventually got out of bed and sat up for a little while until I felt I could fall over.

I slept fitfully for 3 hours. At 10am I woke back up, exhausted and frustrated.

Finally I went back to bed at 11:30am and to calm my mind and hopefully get it to go to damn sleep, I put on a white noise type video on Youtube, except it’s womb sounds. The idea is that it’s soothing for humans to hear sounds from the womb. I’ve used it before so knew it would work.

And it did. I eventually after a lifetime, fell asleep!

But I had a really disturbing dream. But very symbolic – of what I’m not sure yet but it was unsettling.

My dream started by entering Sienna’s office, which looked different than in actual life. This was Sienna’s dream office.

She had this couch and the pillows were all sort of dishevelled. It looked like she’s made a sort of den out of them, or a cot. I stood there wondering if she’d been sleeping on the couch before I got there?

She came in all bright and breezy and she said as she indicated towards the couch “ This is for you! This is my new idea, I think it might really help. Will you lie down?”

I was thinking “Hell.No.”

But I did lie down and she came and sat next to me, my legs draped over her legs. I was all cozy lying there being read a story like a 5 year old.

Then I went into this dream or dissociation but I took Sienna with me. And suddenly I was at the end of a garden with big old trees and there was a gate. And there I was, a 6 year old with purple ribbons in my hair (my school colours) standing in front of the gate.

Sienna took my 6 year old hand and started leading me back to the therapy room. I picked up my favourite teddy to take with me.

6 year old me was back on the sofa, all tucked in and Sienna was talking to me and I was showing her my teddy. It felt so safe and joyful and comforting and I babbled away like 6 year old do about everything and anything under her attentive gaze. I was finally getting the parent and the parenting I always wanted. I really had got the chance to go back and have Sienna as my mother.

I sort of flashed out of the 6 year old state and was back to being an adult and Sienna was rubbing my feet and calves with moisturiser. I jumped back slightly, and pulled my feet away. It felt awkward to have her touch me. She held my feet gently and reassured me it was okay, that this would help. So I relaxed and allowed her. And it did feel good. The whole session had made me full so settled and so deeply safe and loved.

The session ended and I was putting my shoes back on and my Auntie walked in, she was a surprised as me. I asked what she was doing here, completely appalled that my Aunt had seen me here. She said she worked there now. I was ashamed that she saw all the child toys and the duvet and huge scatter cushions and probably realised the type of work Sienna and I are doing.

I gathered my stuff pretty quick and left. When I got outside I checked the name plaques outside to see if it was true. Was she really going to be working there now? She was.

For some reason I went back into the building. And as I walked back into Sienna’s room she was sitting at a table with my mum, showing and explaining my notes to her. Giving her details of all my secrets and showing her drawings I’d done.

I felt completely betrayed… as you would. Horrified. After that completely attuned and deep and beautiful session so full of trust that she could then tell my mum all of it.

Sienna didn’t even seem like she thought she’d done anything wrong. And it was like my reaction was overstated.

I told her with tears and gritted teeth, angrily “ We are done. We are totally done here. I will never trust you ever again.”

She left the room, to go get the next client or something. And I hastily picked up all my belongings that usually stayed in that room. I picked up a Peter Rabbit Bunny soft toy that I loved and often held in session when Sienna read me stories. It wasn’t mine to take but I took it anyway, I couldn’t bear to leave it behind. I was so furious that Sienna had destroyed my trust, destroyed my safe place and my chance of healing.

I decided that if she was going to take that from me, If she was going to reveal my notes without my permission, then I was going to take something of hers, something that would make her uncomfortable to lose.

And I looked on her desk and found a manila folder, my notes. And in this dream, weirdly this was something I wasn’t allowed, something that had her personal thoughts in it. I stole it, put it in my bag and dashed out and down the stairs.

I was intrigued to read the notes but needed to get away from the building.

At this point the dream changed direction and instead of going downstairs, I found myself going upstairs, to the top floor of the building. 25 storeys up.

I never read the file. But I stood at the window, the full force of the betrayal hitting me. The fact that I was without a therapist again, hitting me. The sadness and lack of hope overwhelming me.

I leaned over the window ledge. It was a long way down. Did I have the guts to jump? To end it all? I didn’t think so. But I wanted to.

I kept leaning out, trying to find the guts to jump.

Sienna came in (except she now looked like my very first therapist who also fucked me over in real life) and she was scared I was going to jump and she pulled me back in and was apologising and hugging me. I let her hold me but I felt nothing. I felt numb. And I knew I’d never trust her or forgive her and that our relationship was over.

Then I woke up.

I feel pretty disturbed by this whole dream. It’s made me feel so yuck.

 

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15 thoughts on “Dream

  1. Cd says:

    😦 dreams are so hard. Especially ones about T’s. I’ve been having them too since my T starts break next week fOr 2 weeks. Attachment issues are strong.

  2. all the little parts says:

    I had one very similar. I dreamt my T (Janet my ex T not my current one) lived next door to my Gran. My gran had a party and I was uncomfy to be so close to J (Janet used to do therapy in her house). I went out the back and saw my mum talking to Janet over the low fence. I yelled at my mum (surprisingly not Janet) and pushed her, asking her how dare she that Janet was twice the mum she ever was. I then threw up in the corner. Then I walked into Janets therapy room and started going through all these boxes, chucking the contents everywhere. I came across some ruby shoes and put them on (wizard of oz style) and tapped my heels together Janet came in and said ‘they don’t work if you don’t know where home is’. I looked out the window. In reality I never looked out of that window but in dreamland it was the view from my bedroom window between 13-18yrs of age (when I really first became aware of how unfair my life was). Dreams can be rough. I’ve told Claire the very vague details of this dream but not the detail. I’ve had dreams about her too… she let my baby drown once because she didn’t want to break boundaries and confidentiality. In another she was trying to get me to swim through shark infested waters to a bed floating in the water that she was sat on. In another she threw a trashy women’s mag at me and told me she didn’t believe a word I said because she’d read something similar in this load of crap.

    You’re most definitely not alone but dreams are not facts. Just your mind’s way of processing fears and doubts and desires. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you want to need Sienna as a parent figure. You want to let go and let her comfort you and be there for you but you’re scared that as soon as you do she will betray you. Doesn’t take Jung to work that out and you probably already realise this. Take it to Sienna, talking out loud about it will help it lose its power.

    Take care of yourself.

    Me xx

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks for this. Yeah there’s obviously huge trust issues still. I’m not sure I could tell her the dream it feels too personal, too embarrassing. But if I can, I will.

  3. Lauren says:

    Oh wow, this sums up a few things you’ve talked about before!

    A little while ago I commented on a post about one of the younger parts that for the most part was attacking and accusing, that the CSA was all lies, but also what snuck out was (I forget the exact wording but along the lines of) “see, we’re not supposed to tell”. It sounds like it’s definitely believed to be dangerous to tell the truth, in case someone finds out and punishes you somehow.

    And then Sienna dismissing you like you were over reacting, which is exactly what I was thinking Sofia feared when commenting on the Anger post.

    X

  4. La Quemada says:

    All the emotions are here–the joy and comfort of her attention and presence, and the despair and loss at her “betrayal,” the feeling of being exposed… it’s hard to express the the degree of vulnerability we have with our therapists when working through CSA and serious trauma except through something like a dream. Precise, linear description doesn’t do it.

    I’m sorry you are suffering so, struggling with sleep like that. I wish you could have awakened at the happy part of the dream, when she was attending to the babbling, happy 6-year-old you. That part of the relationship is also true, and if you can hang on to that feeling, perhaps it can bring you some comfort. I’m wishing that comfort for you.

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks LQ, I wish I’d awakened at that part too. It’s the first negative dream I’ve had about her from what I can remember. Which means there’s something in my psyche or someone who is really feeling hurt by her.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Therapist dreams are so hard and this one sounds especially unnerving. It sounds like there’s a lot to unpack there, but sometimes important to realize that a dream can just be a dream – a fine balance. That’s what I think anyway. Sending a hug ❤️

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