This morning (6am) I really struggled to fall asleep. I eventually got out of bed and sat up for a little while until I felt I could fall over.
I slept fitfully for 3 hours. At 10am I woke back up, exhausted and frustrated.
Finally I went back to bed at 11:30am and to calm my mind and hopefully get it to go to damn sleep, I put on a white noise type video on Youtube, except it’s womb sounds. The idea is that it’s soothing for humans to hear sounds from the womb. I’ve used it before so knew it would work.
And it did. I eventually after a lifetime, fell asleep!
But I had a really disturbing dream. But very symbolic – of what I’m not sure yet but it was unsettling.
My dream started by entering Sienna’s office, which looked different than in actual life. This was Sienna’s dream office.
She had this couch and the pillows were all sort of dishevelled. It looked like she’s made a sort of den out of them, or a cot. I stood there wondering if she’d been sleeping on the couch before I got there?
She came in all bright and breezy and she said as she indicated towards the couch “ This is for you! This is my new idea, I think it might really help. Will you lie down?”
I was thinking “Hell.No.”
But I did lie down and she came and sat next to me, my legs draped over her legs. I was all cozy lying there being read a story like a 5 year old.
Then I went into this dream or dissociation but I took Sienna with me. And suddenly I was at the end of a garden with big old trees and there was a gate. And there I was, a 6 year old with purple ribbons in my hair (my school colours) standing in front of the gate.
Sienna took my 6 year old hand and started leading me back to the therapy room. I picked up my favourite teddy to take with me.
6 year old me was back on the sofa, all tucked in and Sienna was talking to me and I was showing her my teddy. It felt so safe and joyful and comforting and I babbled away like 6 year old do about everything and anything under her attentive gaze. I was finally getting the parent and the parenting I always wanted. I really had got the chance to go back and have Sienna as my mother.
I sort of flashed out of the 6 year old state and was back to being an adult and Sienna was rubbing my feet and calves with moisturiser. I jumped back slightly, and pulled my feet away. It felt awkward to have her touch me. She held my feet gently and reassured me it was okay, that this would help. So I relaxed and allowed her. And it did feel good. The whole session had made me full so settled and so deeply safe and loved.
The session ended and I was putting my shoes back on and my Auntie walked in, she was a surprised as me. I asked what she was doing here, completely appalled that my Aunt had seen me here. She said she worked there now. I was ashamed that she saw all the child toys and the duvet and huge scatter cushions and probably realised the type of work Sienna and I are doing.
I gathered my stuff pretty quick and left. When I got outside I checked the name plaques outside to see if it was true. Was she really going to be working there now? She was.
For some reason I went back into the building. And as I walked back into Sienna’s room she was sitting at a table with my mum, showing and explaining my notes to her. Giving her details of all my secrets and showing her drawings I’d done.
I felt completely betrayed… as you would. Horrified. After that completely attuned and deep and beautiful session so full of trust that she could then tell my mum all of it.
Sienna didn’t even seem like she thought she’d done anything wrong. And it was like my reaction was overstated.
I told her with tears and gritted teeth, angrily “ We are done. We are totally done here. I will never trust you ever again.”
She left the room, to go get the next client or something. And I hastily picked up all my belongings that usually stayed in that room. I picked up a Peter Rabbit Bunny soft toy that I loved and often held in session when Sienna read me stories. It wasn’t mine to take but I took it anyway, I couldn’t bear to leave it behind. I was so furious that Sienna had destroyed my trust, destroyed my safe place and my chance of healing.
I decided that if she was going to take that from me, If she was going to reveal my notes without my permission, then I was going to take something of hers, something that would make her uncomfortable to lose.
And I looked on her desk and found a manila folder, my notes. And in this dream, weirdly this was something I wasn’t allowed, something that had her personal thoughts in it. I stole it, put it in my bag and dashed out and down the stairs.
I was intrigued to read the notes but needed to get away from the building.
At this point the dream changed direction and instead of going downstairs, I found myself going upstairs, to the top floor of the building. 25 storeys up.
I never read the file. But I stood at the window, the full force of the betrayal hitting me. The fact that I was without a therapist again, hitting me. The sadness and lack of hope overwhelming me.
I leaned over the window ledge. It was a long way down. Did I have the guts to jump? To end it all? I didn’t think so. But I wanted to.
I kept leaning out, trying to find the guts to jump.
Sienna came in (except she now looked like my very first therapist who also fucked me over in real life) and she was scared I was going to jump and she pulled me back in and was apologising and hugging me. I let her hold me but I felt nothing. I felt numb. And I knew I’d never trust her or forgive her and that our relationship was over.
Then I woke up.
I feel pretty disturbed by this whole dream. It’s made me feel so yuck.