Umm… obviously I spoke too soon of the whole “I’m doing great ” post yesterday. Because last night/this morning I had two impactful CSA nightmares.
The first one woke me up and it contained a body memory. The reason I assume that’s what it is, is that after waking and for an hour or more after I could feel the pain of the act on my body. (Not really wanting to get too graphic.) It wasn’t awful pain but just pain of knowing something had happened there -A stretching or something.
I went back to sleep a while later and then woke up after a different and less upsetting nightmare about CSA. Sometimes I can dream these things and not really feel much about them when I wake up and other times I get very distressed.
Even though I was less upset about the 2nd dream than the first, the fact that I’d had two in a row made me feel anxious and fearful and like I missed Sienna. I really needed her today and she’s not here.
It took strength to not email her ” you need to come home now.”
I really wanted to. But I also want her to have her break and I also want to achieve getting through it by myself too.
But it’s made me realise, I have no one to tell about this stuff. There’s no one. And it makes me sad.
Sienna is literally the only person I have that I can talk this stuff through with and get comfort from. 😢
I’m doing okay. I just hate these dreams. Why do they happen?