Spoke too soon..

Umm… obviously I spoke too soon of the whole “I’m doing great ” post yesterday. Because last night/this morning I had two impactful CSA nightmares.

The first one woke me up and it contained a body memory. The reason I assume that’s what it is, is that after waking and for an hour or more after I could feel the pain of the act on my body. (Not really wanting to get too graphic.) It wasn’t awful pain but just pain of knowing  something had happened there -A stretching or something.

I went back to sleep a while later and then woke up after a different and less upsetting nightmare about CSA.  Sometimes I can dream these things and not really feel much about them when I wake up and other times I get very distressed. 

Even though I was less upset about the 2nd dream than the first, the fact that I’d had two in a row made me feel anxious and fearful and like I missed Sienna. I really needed her today and she’s not here. 

It took strength to not email her ” you need to come home now.” 

I really wanted to. But I also want her to have her break and I also want to achieve getting through it by myself too.

But it’s made me realise, I have no one to tell about this stuff. There’s no one. And it makes me sad. 

Sienna is literally the only person I have that I can talk this stuff through with and get comfort from. 😢

I’m doing okay. I just hate these dreams. Why do they happen? 

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22 thoughts on “Spoke too soon..

      • Cd says:

        I know I *could* tell my husband but I probably would not. I don’t have anyone at the moment either. My current therapist didn’t want to talk CSA (I suppose he would if I insisted)…My specialist won’t talk about anything important. Waiting for new trauma specialist. Yeah I get it. Writing out may help. I can’t bring myself to do that either… I don’t want it to be real.

      • Cd says:

        Yes! It’s so hard. I have no solid memories but suspicions and enough “facts”. But still doubt.

  1. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Oh love… I know that literally only your therapist can offer you what you need but we are all here until then. I know that feels like a really rubbish second, but don’t feel alone. I know you want to get through without her but my thoughts are … could you 1) write her a letter or email but not send it – so that you can write out what you are feeling and what you need, your fantasy of what could make it better? And secondly (and I’m sure I already know the answer to this) but so option 1, but send it to her. I know that feeling of wanting to get through without them but truly they wont care about that and it may end up making you feel awful for hours or days or the whole weekend… is it worth it? Maybe you could even give yourself a deadline. Write it now but don’t send until a certain day or time to see if it eases off without her?

    Sorry I am really rambling. It’s so hard trying to find some words to help you. For me at the moment when I am “in it” contacting her is the only option and there are no other choices but I just do it and worry about the consequences afterwards….. perhaps I’m not as strong-willed as you xx

  2. dangerousvoyager says:

    To me it seems logical that if CSA in your past was associated with feelings of betrayal and emotional pain (even if the memories are very unclear or not conscious), that the dreams would come up more when you therapist is away and are feeling lonely and disconnected and abandoned by her.

    • Sirena says:

      I’ve been tracking these dreams and writing them down, and it turns out I have them regularly, like 1 or 2 a week usually. I have a notebook going back as far as 2015 which shows the regularity of them, though they’ve been going on for much much longer than that.
      I suppose Sienna’s break could be having an impact but they happen whether she’s here or not.

      • Sirena says:

        I didn’t even realise it was so often until I started looking back at blog posts and then started writing them down, I was astounded! I thought I was having them like once a month or something.

  3. This little mind of mine says:

    Oh 😞😞😞

    I imagine they happen because your mind thinks it’s protecting you, warning you, much like anxiety when we’re awake. This isn’t resolved for you yet, the child parts don’t know that they’re safe, perhaps partly because you haven’t had that moment yet where you can say CSA occurred without doubting yourself.

    X

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