Today is my final session before the break. And I feel okay. Like, really quite settled about it. It doesn’t actually feel like too long before she’s back. I will have had two sessions this week, I will miss a Monday session and of course a check-in next Friday but then the Monday after she’s back, that’s okay isn’t it?
I don’t know why the change has occured. From weeks and weeks of angst and tears and yes, tantrums about it, to feeling okay. I feel settled and ready for it.
I mean there’s a tiny bit of something akin to sadness or slight anxiety about how it will be, in the background. But I’m hoping I stay feeling settled.
On Monday, at the end of our session which was very laidback, we were getting ready to leave the office and Sienna spontaneously opened her arms and said ” gimmie a hug!”
And there was something about that request that inbeded a feeling of contentment within me. A feeling of being wanted and cared about and a feeling of belonging almost.
It’s hard to explain. I mean, Sienna usually initiates any touch and it’s usually when I’m very deeply dissocated or upset, and she will hold me and it feels amazing.
But this time, this hug felt…. I don’t know… very accepting and just the fact SHE wanted a hug from me. Maybe that’s it- so much of the relationship is about me, my needs, my wants… the focus is all me. And I know that’s how it’s meant to be and that it’s healthy that way, I know I’m not there to meet her needs. But the focus constantly being on me is pretty exhausting in actual fact.
And Sienna asking for a hug, it wasn’t about her needing it, I don’t think. It wasn’t a need so much as a want. She just felt affection for me or something and acted on it and it was lovely. It was familial and relaxed and happy and I don’t think I’d realised how much I was in need of that. I touched on it in some previous posts where lately I’ve wondered where she is in this “relationship”. It’s hard to see sometimes when the focus is entirely on me all the time, where I need to be the main driver of everything that happens between us. And I’ve felt like I’ve somewhat lost sight of her, where her personal input is. I mean she’s VERY there as my therapist but I’ve been missing her as the person… or something.
So that few seconds of familiarity and genuine warmth was so healing to me. It was her feeling something, her showing me something of herself.
When she holds me physically in session, that is wonderful and so healing and so needed, but it is done for therapeutic reasons, it has been a considered and boundaried action. It’s all for me.
But this hug was… normal. It was something for her, and somehow that benefited me in a way I hadn’t realised I needed.