The sadism of the therapy relationship.

 

“I don’t want to terminate.”

“ I know. We are okay. I have a full day today but check in tomorrow around 9am if you want to.”

It was the best I could do. I don’t want to terminate.

But what I haven’t said is that currently I feel the full discomfort of being in relationship with her and I don’t like it. I don’t want to terminate, but I don’t want to go back either. I mean, I know I’ll feel differently soon, but right now I feel so much emotional pain and at so much of a disadvantage in this relationship that I feel trapped, cornered and pressure to run away from it.

I’m struggling so badly right now. Because I don’t know how to feel safe or comfortable within this thing, this weird relationship that I both need and despise.

I want to run. I don’t want to feel this pain, the pain of needing someone, the pain of someone taking such a central and pivotal role in my life. I want to run from having to constantly put my trust in someone, I want to run from staying in a relationship I don’t understand and can’t predict. I want to run from a relationship where the rules seem foreign, where games are out and direct communication is in. Games I can do, direct communication…. Not so much.

I feel like I am a constant open wound. And when Sienna gets it wrong, salt pours into that wound.

I’m sick of being the only one emotionally vulnerable. I’m sick of being the one at a disadvantage all the time. I’m sick of being the one to care so much. I’m sick of being the one who needs and who is reliant. I’m sick of being so needy and vulnerable all the time. I’m sick of all of it.

I don’t want to be like this. I am a grown adult, yet my needs are that of a toddler and sometimes of a baby.  I watch myself from afar sometimes and see how pathetic and ridiculous this all is.

I learned that I couldn’t trust my caregivers first time round, and now I’m having to unlearn all of that and try a new way. To allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow myself to be the one that needs, to allow myself to be the one that isn’t in charge, to begin to allow myself to trust that not all caregivers are there to fuck me over. To allow myself to sit back and not be in control; to trust this new caregiver with my wellbeing.

It feels like there’s an element of parent and child. I feel like a powerless child who is immediately at a disadvantage because of their lack of knowledge, lack of worldly experience, lack of development, lack of emotional regulation. And this parent is all powerful because I need them for survival. I have to trust this person not to hurt me.

Despite my neediness, I don’t actually want to be a grown-up toddler. It is so humiliating to not be in control of your emotions. I don’t want to need another person this damn much.

I want to be able to cut and run. I want to let her go on holiday for a fortnight and for it not bring me terror. I want some fucking self-respect, yet I have none. All I can see if how pathetic all of this is, that despite all my attributes as an adult, despite all my capabilities and real knowledge that her going on a holiday isn’t a huge deal, my body is running the show and telling me there’s something to fear, and there’s something to grieve.

And even though I’ve read all the books on trauma and disorganised attachment that I can get my hands on, even though I understand why this is happening and why I feel this way, I can’t get rid of this deep irritation I have for myself for not being less needy.

I feel this deep split between my body and mind and also the fragmented parts for whom this relationship feels dangerous to.

I know I need to stay in therapy, I know it is helping and will keep helping, I know that I literally have no other option but to work through ruptures, because Sienna is really good at her job (even though she fucks up sometimes). I know I won’t find someone else better or someone else who cares as much for me or helps me as much as she does. There’s no way out but through.

I have to stay. And it’s killing me inside.

I just wish it was an equal relationship, one where I wasn’t the one doing all the needing. I wish she wasn’t in charge. I wish she didn’t matter so much to me. I hate that.

I hate that my week has been utterly shit and excruciatingly painful every minute of it and she literally could not care less about that. It barely registered on her radar. I hate that I have been in the gutter over Monday’s session and she’s just got on with her life. I hate that I have been bleeding out and she has remained in full possession of her emotions.

I get this image in my head of her secretly gloating to herself as she watches me struggle, knowing that she has the upper hand, knowing that she can emotionally regulate herself with superiority while she watches me struggling. And that she laughs to herself about how ridiculous I’m being and knows that she doesn’t have to do a single thing, because I’ll always need her before she’ll need me and because of that, she knows I’ll always come slithering back, cap in hand because I need her. She doesn’t need to worry about abandonment or me leaving or ruptures because she is secure in the knowledge that I will be back and even if I don’t come back, it won’t matter to her because she doesn’t need me.

And that makes me so angry. And that image is what makes me want to run.

I don’t even know if I’m explaining all this properly. There’s this feeling I am trying to encapsulate with words. I’m sure there’s a word out there but I can’t think of it.

But it’s a feeling of me being this worthless, powerless thing, and needing this leviathan power who barely registers I’m there.

A friend used the word sadistic. And that word comes close to how I feel right now. That this relationship is like a cat lazily playing with a mouse for its own pleasure.

The power dynamics of this therapeutic relationship are so weighted against the client with disorganised attachment.

The only piece of power I have is to be able to walk away. To choose not stay. It’s the only thing I can wield that has any impact. It sometimes feels like the only way to regain some dignity, to get back some regulation, and to close out the pain.

But the undeniable fact is, I need her help. I can’t leave. So I stay, feeling trapped and unable to breathe from the pain of it all.

I wanted her to reach out to me this week. I wanted to feel like this isn’t some sadistic cat and mouse game. I wanted her to show she cared that I was in pain. I wanted some sign that this matters to her, that it has some sort of impact on her.

I wanted her to close the space that had opened up between us. I wanted her to close it before my mind took all of that space and turned her into the enemy; the sadistic cat playing with the mouse.

Is that wanting rescue? Maybe. I wanted her to make the first move so I didn’t have to. So that I didn’t have to feel like I was going cap in hand to her all the time.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being the one who has to push through discomfort, to deny my own natural (albeit unhealthy) dynamic and impulses to play games (because I naturally think everyone is playing a game with me, so every communication becomes tactical.) or to withdraw from relationships. I am so tired that all the responsibility lies with me. That if I want to keep my attachment figure, if I want her attention, then I have to reach out, over and over and over again. Why do I have to be the one taking all of the risk?

I am just so tired.

I work so hard in therapy. I do take a lot of responsibility for my growth. I do push myself to communicate my needs or to sort things out with her when there’s been a rupture. But sometimes, my God, sometimes I just wish she would help me out! I wish she’d just reach out to me in the times where I am upset enough to not feel able to do the reaching.

I am exhausted with it all. And I am so hurt.

“Check around 9am tomorrow if you want to.”

I do want to. But I want you to want to, Sienna. Does she want to speak to me? Does this week have any impact on her at all? That message doesn’t say anything about what she wants? Doesn’t she have anything to say? It’s like she isn’t even in this relationship. I am essentially in relationship with a brick wall.

Can she not tell me something that sounds remotely like she’s thought about this week? Can she not reveal anything that might allude to it having had an effect at all? Can she not say something that tells me this matters to her?

 

 

 

 

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42 thoughts on “The sadism of the therapy relationship.

  1. all the little parts says:

    First, really well done for reaching out. I remember you saying how hard you would find that, but you did it and that’s awesome. 🙂

    I can categorically state from all that you’ve said – Sienna DOES care about you. She likes you, she holds you between sessions and I bet some of what you’ve told her has been heartbreaking for her to hear. She might not tell you because therapists don’t, but it’s in evidence from the things you’ve said. She wouldn’t let you contact her between sessions if there wasn’t a like of you, a knowledge and acceptance that you need that. Therapists rarely say ‘I like you’ and things like that because words are meaningless and clients need to learn that the therapist’s actions are that of one human who cares for another and what it looks and feels like to be cared for appropriately and safely. Actions speak louder than words. However, I bet if you asked her, she’d tell you. My therapist has done. She won’t tell you how much all this matters to her because the focus of therapy is YOU not her. YOU are the key person. She has a supervisor with whom she can work all this through with, her feelings don’t matter in your relationship, so if you don’t ask, she won’t tell you because she isn’t a mind-reader, she cannot assume you want or need to hear how she’s thinking/feeling. What if you DIDN’T want to talk to her and she reached out to you and invaded your space? She cannot assume your needs, that would be unethical and unprofessional. I have to go and see my T after admitting to her that I want her to give me a hug… dreading it. But in that example, I have to be the one to ask ‘can you give me a hug?’ because what if I am terrified of being touched and she re-traumatises me? It’s the same thing here. She’s waiting for you to express a need so she can fulfil it, if you don’t, she can’t. So if you ask… she probably would, judging from my perception of her from your writings. She’s not a psycho-dynamic therapist, seems more humanistic in nature and they are more inclined towards self-disclosure, touch and talking about how they feel in relation to the client. All you have to do is ask. I get it’s exhausting though, therapy is such hard work, sometimes it would be amazingly relaxing and restorative to have our needs understood and met without needing to express them when they are full of shame. It’s exhausting having to break through barriers of shame to get our needs met. I hate it too.

    The imbalance sucks, it really does. I get it. And everything you said about feeling embarrassed by your needs… yikes… I am there too! My T is a very similar age to me so I often feel really pathetic. In my head I want to age her, so that the fact that she has all this wisdom, experience and qualifications and I… don’t, can be explained away by the fact that she’s older. Except she isn’t so I feel downright ridiculous. I see my T as like a sister figure so while my experience of sisters (since my own bio sisters are fucking awesome women) is extremely positive and nurturing (I’m the youngest by a mile) and I don’t mind my T looking after me… there is an element of… not competition exactly… comparing myself to her that I have never had with another T. This actually put me off her at first – I wanted someone older so that they could ‘look after’ me without any transference peer crap getting in the way. Having said that I know my T doesn’t see it the way I do. She’s experienced, she’s seen this before, she’s in total acceptance and non-judgement of my need of her. It doesn’t phase her, doesn’t make her feel powerful over me. She knows the power imbalance exists and she always has to be mindful of its influence on our relationship and make sure she doesn’t enjoy it and ‘gloat’ over my need of her. True, she doesn’t need me in the way I need her but I think if i was to die or something, she would be upset and grieve. They have relationships with us too, it’s not one-sided even if it feels like it.

    It helps me to think of it that my T is not looking after the grown-up, adult, psycho-educated me… she is helping the younger parts of me, the damaged, traumatised, in pain and abandoned children, teenagers and young adults inside me. She is playing big sister to them, they are the ones who need that from her. Myself as a mum and a 32yr old woman… I see her as a peer and I don’t mind her teaching me stuff I don’t know (because I bet there’s stuff I know she doesn’t), but when it comes to nurturing me, I give that need to the younger parts and it helps… a little. I don’t know if that’s an attitude you can adopt? It might help.

    I hear how tough it is though to go to someone and say ‘you messed up, you hurt me’ and to return to them and allow them to repair things. It’s bloody awful. It feels like they will abandon you. Like they will get angry with you for being hurt and run off OR invalidate how you feel by trying to get you to take responsibility for it. At least that’s what I feel. But my T said to me ‘you will not always get it right for me and I will not always get it right for you and that’s ok’ Sienna sounds a lot like my T. I think she wants to figure out what happened with you and sort it out before she goes. I think she knows and accepts the break will be hard and you will need that connection to her.

    You have a chance to get back that sense of connection with her, if I were you, I would take it. Perhaps write her an email before you speak so that she knows what she said upset you and then you can spend the phone call repairing it… I find that easier than actually verbally telling my T if I’m bothered by something she’s said. Suggestion only, take it or leave it.

    I hope some of my essay (whoops sorry, I wrote so much because I feel the same things you do) helps a little. All of what you said is natural, normal and acceptable to Sienna. You don’t need to be afraid of telling her any of this. She’s got you.

    Take care, thinking of you

    xx

  2. plf1990 says:

    “I want you to want to” is probably the phrase that most accurately sums up my experience of therapy… and life.

    You’re not alone in feeling this way xxx

    • Sirena says:

      Yeah, I don’t get how this is a relationship if it isn’t mutual or equal. And I don’t get how she can teach me about healthy relationship dynamics whilst not really putting herself in the relationship. This is meant to be a template for future relationships yeah? So surely part of learning it is seeing how the other person reacts to you, feels about you etc? How is that achieved by her keeping herself out of it?

      • plf1990 says:

        I don’t have any answers for you. It’s heart breaking. I agree that it is bloody difficult to understand how this relationship is meant to help us ultimately grow away from it (like ‘normal’ securely attached people do from their parents) when it comes with boundaries and withdrawals that those parental relationships don’t include.

        I’m not sure I know the answer. I know that some days, good enough is enough. And some days it’s not. And that doesn’t help really or make it better but it does pass. For me. It will for you too x

      • Individual Medley says:

        I struggle with these same questions, needing to see how my T reacts to what I’m saying and getting scared and confused if it’s not what I expect or no reaction at all. Apparently growing up always adjusting your own thoughts and behaviour according to how people react to you isn’t necessarily healthy. So I think my T is trying to teach me to accept what I actually feel and express it without getting in a panic about whether it is the correct thing or not.
        Don’t know if that is relevant in your situation or not. But I do know you have been incredibly brave and strong to send the text that you did, and keeping my fingers crossed that you will find some connection with Sienna this morning. X

      • Sirena says:

        There’s sometimes an element in the moment of not being sure what I feel or if what I feel is okay to feel, so yes wha you said is relevant to me. What’s been different this time is that I shut down so much harder than normal.
        We spoke this morning and things are a bit better.

  3. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Oh sweet girl. This is fu**ing heartbreaking stuff. And I honestly, genuinely get it. I really do.

    Reaching out to them in our pain and vulnerability is horribly scary, so you’ve done so good to do it. I try and tell myself how big that is when I do it, before and during the shame storm that inevitably hits. Can you try and do the same at some point?

    “get this image in my head of her secretly gloating to herself as she watches me struggle, knowing that she has the upper hand, knowing that she can emotionally regulate herself with superiority while she watches me struggling. And that she laughs to herself about how ridiculous I’m being and knows that she doesn’t have to do a single thing, because I’ll always need her before she’ll need me and because of that, she knows I’ll always come slithering back, cap in hand because I need her”

    Do you think this could be transference?? I don’t mean to make this comment about me, but I’ve said the very same thing and me and my T think this is transference because it’s actually about my mother and how she was almost voyeuristic – that anger and shame we feel because it’s like they know the power they have and we assume (naturally) that they are abusing that power and laughing at us?! The truth is that they probably (hopefully) deeply respect us for trying so desperately hard to fight against our learnt ways and try something new. If only there was a quick fix, one that didn’t hurt so much.

    As for how her mood is when you leave on a bad note, you don’t actually know how it effects her, you assume it doesn’t but I think it’s only natural that she would be bothered – perhaps not to the same extent, no, because they’ve done their work and can hold their own boundaries and be more stable than we currently can, but I know when I leave things badly with anyone, boss, therapist, boyfriend, friend – it does play on my mind. Yes with T that feeling is amplified.

    The unfairness of the unbalance I agree with. It’s not fair. I wrote that myself yesterday so can’t help there right now.

    I can also understand the pain of their breaks: I’m going through this pain now too and it’s ME that’s leaving! Go figure.

    This is a hard, long journey that you are on. The only way out, is through is a shit statement but true. The fact you are able to feel this stuff, not deny it, act out when you are hurt or angry or scared and vocalise that is actually a huge deal – that’s growth right there. It just doesn’t feel it.

    Don’t judge yourself sweetie. It is what it is, and right now, it’s shit. There’s no sugar coating that. But she will be back and you will be too, this rupture will be repaired and your connection will remain unaffected.

    I’m with you – as always. Xx

  4. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Ps, I told my T I wanted her to want to contact me the other day and she said the problem is, that the one time she gets it wrong and doesn’t – I will feel totally misunderstood and misattuned and as much as I hate to say it, she’s 100% right. They have to respect the adult us too xx

  5. This.shaking says:

    Dear Sirena – I feel or have often felt everything you describe. It so sucks. But if I had cancer I would do chemo and surgery and radiation and they would so suck and I (and, I bet you) would do them. I do think that All the Little (Hi, there!) and Twink and the others have nailed it.
    Hope this helps. TS
    PS I think we have better chances with our great Therapists than we might with cancer. Just saying.

  6. Sharon DeVinney, Ph.D. says:

    I am a therapist with my own attachment trauma issues. I am not writing anonymously, so am taking a bit of a risk in saying this. But Sirena, I have followed your blog with interest because I can so relate…from both sides. The therapist in me feels compelled to say that, from everything you’ve said about Sienna, I am quite certain she cares deeply for you, as I have with many of my clients. Why can’t we express this? Why can’t the relationship be more equal? Because the goal of therapy is not to have a mutual relationship in which both people’s needs are met. The goal has to be to help you heal to the point where you feel whole enough to have these relationships with others. Does that feel sadistic at times? Yes, without a doubt.

    When I am triggered and feeling the full brunt of childhood neglect, all I want is to have someone care enough to do what I need at that time. When my therapist tells me I have to learn to nurture myself, it feels like the most unfair, cruel reality…I didn’t ask to be traumatized. Why do I have to be the one to nurture myself?

    When I’m my fully rational adult self, or am wearing my “therapist hat,” I understand it. But the triggered two year old in me just wants to be held, by someone who I can trust completely, and who knows and understands what I need, which is reassurance. The triggered two year old just wants to have a mother. The problem is, I am an adult. It’s no longer healthy for me to expect that from another person, even though it’s what I wish for at those times.

    It’s taken me years to understand and accept that the perfect caregiver will never exist. I have found a network of people who, collectively, meet many of my needs. And when I am triggered (which thankfully happens much less frequently) I am more able to keep perspective. But it will always feel unfair…because it IS unfair…that I ultimately have to nurture myself.

    The therapy relationship is a crucial part of the process of healing. If Sienna expressed all that I am quite certain she feels, it would simply reinforce you staying dependent on only her to meet those attachment needs, rather than help you heal to the point where you feel less of a need for another person to do so.

    When I’m the therapist in this dynamic, it is just as excruciating, in a different way. Imagine having to hold back all that you would want to do to end the pain of someone you care about deeply, and not being able to! It causes a different kind of pain, knowing your actions are making another person feel enormous suffering in the moment, and having to restrain yourself from calling to check on them, reassure them, etc. because it is the healthy thing to do. It feels masochistic at times. But it’s what has to happen. As a therapist, it is an enormous responsibility to have to hold the boundaries for such an intense and emotionally intimate relationship, knowing you have to do what is ultimately healthy.

    Sienna sounds like a great therapist. But she will miss things, and screw up. We are all human, and even when we care deeply we screw up. It is in the repair of the ruptures that the most learning and healing happens. She is exhausted and needs breaks because being a therapist is hard.

    Sorry to go on. I hope it helps to hear my thoughts. You are so intelligent, insightful and are working so hard, Sierra. You are healing. It’s painful, but worth it.

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks you Sharon for this moving insight. It made me quite emotional to read. The therapist really has a tough time too and somehow even thought it makes me feel sort of sad that it can be just as excruciating for them as it is for us, there’s also some comfort in knowing that they feel just as much as us at times and they might find it really painful. It’s comforting because it feels less sadistic if it’s done out of care than some arbitary boundary, which exists to prevent me getting what I want or need.
      I’m not sure I could do Sienna’s job that’s for sure.
      I’m not sure if I agree that it’s healthy not to reach out to a client. That feel unbalanced to me. And I don’t know if I disagree because I am denial of the fact that it IS the right way to do things or whther I genuinely disagree with that way of working. A bit of both maybe.
      I think every client and every therapy relationship is different and the needs are ever changing and evolving and to assume that a no contact the client rule is right for everyone in every circumstance seems very restrictive. For me, this week, it would have helped a lot for her to have acknowledged that the session hadn’t went well and that she was just checking in. That gesture would have went a long way in repairing things. And it’s not like I sit waiting to be rescued or am unable to advocate for myself on a regular basis and rely on her doing all the work. In that circumstance, absolutely, a therapist needs to encourage me to do the reaching out. But I DO work hard and I do push past the discomfort on such a regular basis and on the rare time I don’t feel able to, it would just feel really nice and comforting to know that Sienna will still reach for me anyway.

      • Sharon DeVinney, Ph.D. says:

        Skilled therapists know when to reach out and when not to reach out. It can’t be black and white. Life is not black and white, and neither are relationships…certainly not attachment trauma therapy relationships! In my comment I wanted to try and help you know that it can be just as hard at times to be on the therapist side of this really tough process. After your last post, I was trying to say that to reach out under the circumstance of you threatening to quit therapy, would reinforce this pattern…not something that is ultimately healthy. To reach out after a session in which the client is being completely honest, direct, vulnerable and is clearly struggling, is a different situation. You wanted Sienna to reach out because she hurt you. I am sure she didn’t do it intentionally. I can’t speak for her. It would be really helpful to talk to her about this whole topic!!

      • Sirena says:

        I didn’t threaten to quit to get a need met. Sienna knows why I do that. I didn’t do it because she hurt me.
        A client has the right to quit whenever they wish and that doesn’t mean it’s unhealthy. It’s arrogant to assume otherwise.
        I had my reasons for thinking about not going back. My quitting had nothing to do with manipulating a response from Sienna.
        To have reached out wouldn’t have reinforced anything and it’s over simplistic to apply that to every client for every situation.

      • Sharon DeVinney, Ph.D. says:

        Of course! I just meant I have seen you go through this pattern before, and then also say you have no intention of quitting. Ultimately, learning to communicate feelings and needs directly is the goal in healthy relationships. The child parts need to learn this. Sienna has to figure out what is healthy for all parts of you, and respond accordingly in the moment. I’m obviously not your therapist. I just wanted to say there is always another side to things, and it is always best to be honest and direct with people who are trustworthy (which Sienna seems to be). From what I’ve read, this almost always repairs things quickly for you and Sienna. I hope you can feel connected to her again before her break. I know how important that is. Sending good thoughts!

      • Sirena says:

        When I quit, I mean it. It’s not about getting a need met. It’s about getting away from what scares me or getting a rest when I’m fatigued. So in the moment I mean it about quitting but when I come out of my triggered place then I know that I don’t really want to quit. I know that I can’t afford to stop going, I need therapy. So going along the rule of not reaching out because it encourages bad behaviour patterns doesn’t really fit here I don’t think. I always end up reaching out or trying to fix things after I’ve became un-triggered and I’m then good at communicating my needs and why I got so angry or triggered or whatever my reasoning. But while I’m struggling, I still maintain that I would like Sienna to help me out, by reaching out to me. Whether she wants to do that or not will be up to her.

  7. alicewithptsd says:

    Therapy does have an inate power differential, and I think it’s even more so when trauma and child parts are present. It does, at times, become a parent-child type relationship and that is extremely uncomfortable when adult parts are aware of that.

    I think that reading the books and being educated is a great thing, but there is a difference between what the logical mind knows and understands and what your emotional mind feels.

    This is all so hard. So, so hard. It does feel sadistic at times. I think that, unfortunately, these feelings are the work, this is the work, and the only way out is thorough.

    Hang in there. I know that is easy to say, and hard to do. You are so strong though, I believe you can do this work. Xx

    • Sirena says:

      I just don’t know how to get my brain and body to match up. When am I going to feel in body and mind that breaks are okay? I really want that but I don’t know how to get to that point.

      • La Quemada says:

        I have been thinking about this problem of knowing logically that something is acceptable (like therapist vacations) and truly **feeling** it. Here’s what I’m currently thinking: our feelings are not logical. They just aren’t. So we can’t talk them into being logical. We do better, I think, by logically talking ourselves into accepting our feelings for what they are. As in, “Oh shit, E is going on vacation at the end of August for three whole weeks! I hate that! I know that she deserves a vacation, but I still hate it an fear it and resent it. And it’s okay for a part of me to be a frightened child stomping her feet and yelling because she is leaving. And my job is to work with E ahead of time and work with myself during the break and work again with E afterwards to try to take care of that child. Because she has damn good reasons to feel that way.”

        That is, I don’t have to make my feelings logical. I have to learn to accept my feelings even when they aren’t logical, or “nice” or what I think they should be. It is hard, but at least it doesn’t feel impossible, whereas making my feelings adhere to logic did always feel impossible.

        Love to you both, Sirena and Alice. I learn so much from both of you.

      • Sirena says:

        This is a really good point. Something I’ve perhaps overlooked slightly. I think I find it so hard to accept because I have literal parts who are totally fine about the break, feel feel in body and mind that it’s okay and time will pass nicely. And then the child parts or older ones with trauma find it awful, body and mind and then there’s some adult parts that know it’s okay in my head but not in my body. And the parts who are very adult and are fine with the break sort of look on at the other struggling parts and are completely perplexed by it all and have no idea what to do about it.

      • La Quemada says:

        I know exactly what you mean! My balanced, reasonable adult self wants E to have a good vacation and come back happy and refreshed. Maybe my adult self also needs to develop a little more gentleness with the parts that aren’t able to take that perspective. At least that’s what I’m working on!

      • alicewithptsd says:

        Yes! I like this— learn to accept my feelings even when they aren’t logical or nice. That is hard hard work, but probably easier to do than making our feelings logical. Love to you. I’m proud of you and how much you are working and growing. 💟

  8. Andi says:

    I think you have to do the work because this is your therapy and it’s about you. Which sucks. I have very often felt similar – a sense of “why should I be the only one who cares? Or who fights for this?!” But alas, it has to be me. I hate that.

    • Sirena says:

      Yep, it’s my therapy. And that’s why I do all the work but it gets exhausting. Sometimes it would just be nice for her to send a quick text to acknowledge the rupture and just close that gap a little bit.

      • Andi says:

        Hell yeah it’s exhausting. Maybe you could ask if she’d be willing to send a text when it’s apparent that you two are in rupture?

  9. Leann says:

    The part that I don’t get – and you reference it a lot – is how angry you often get about Sienna not getting it, or getting something wrong, or getting it all wrong, and that wrecking it all for you.

    You know that it’s your therapy. And yet you hold anything she doesn’t get perfectly right as the reason for the therapy going wrong. The reason for your anger. Your inability to be connected. Your unwillingness to be open.

    I don’t think that’s the case, if you’re honest with yourself. Reread your posts. It’s a theme I’ve been following for years and I think you’re cutting yourself short with it. As well as Sienna, to be honest.

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