You pissed me off.

When the second last session before your therapist’s stupid holiday needs to be good but instead she triggers your defences and so have a near silent stand-off for the full 60 minutes… yeah that.

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Fuck.Sake.

And then because you can’t handle it, you throw in at the end that you’re terminating. Because “fuck you” that’s why.

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And meanwhile, all the parts inside are watching this play out and are like

Facepalm

 

So yeah, I think that covers tonight’s session.

 

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34 thoughts on “You pissed me off.

  1. all the little parts says:

    Oh bless you – that sounds like shit! I know how badly we need the last session before a T’s holiday to be ultra connected, safe “loved up” and how desperately we need them to understand how much they will be missed.

    Is it fixable? Do you want to fix it?

    Thinking of you hun xx

  2. Individual medley says:

    Maybe easier said than done, but can you write more about what happened, what different parts are feeling? It might help to process the anger, and hurt, pain and fear.

    • Sirena says:

      Yeah, I will write more, I just needed to get that initial irritation out in picture form. Sometimes those gifs say more than words!

  3. Kate says:

    O no, once again. Similar place, only we walked out because well, some sessions aren’t word saving. Sorry to hear. Could someone inside voice some of the anger or unsafety in an email? Or ask for some contact even if it’s scary?

    • Sirena says:

      Yep, I walked out a couple minutes early because the whole session was screwed, there was nothing to save. There are already parts wanting to make it better and to contact her but my stupid pride and anger won’t let me.

  4. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Oh god that’s awful. I bet you feel just awful. I can’t actually imagine the feeling or think of the right word but I imagine you needed the attunement and connection and you didn’t get it…. that’s shit as any stage but on top of a break is very painful! Ah I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better but I’m afraid I don’t. As others have said write it out properly when you feel you can, if you want to and perhaps that will help to understand a bit more. Xx

  5. This little mind of mine says:

    The breaks being this close together has really rocked the boat, like almost what would be the point in reconnecting between breaks when that takes a bit of time and there wasn’t enough time between the breaks to do that and then have a period of calm and security again.

    I’m thinking this might be something you won’t want to do until she’s back from the next break, with hopefully a longer stretch of being present after that?

    X

    • Sirena says:

      Yeah and after this one, she’s away again for another 8 or 9 days on a course. So she’ll come back end of June and 5 weeks later, another break. I can’t cope.

      • This little mind of mine says:

        Dammit that’s twice today I’ve hit send before I’m ready grr!!

        OK so you miss her and you don’t know how to regulate that…I know you’ve spoken to her about struggling when she’s away, but have you ever just told her simply that you miss her? I’m wondering if you could use the sessions in this tough period to just talk about how you can process missing her? What’s OK? What do people do when they miss someone that they can’t speak to during the time they’re away? I dunno like you could let all the parts do something, like the kids could do a drawing or make a card or a craft of some sort, the older parts could pick a nice gift for when she’s back, you could reminisce over the blog about the things you love and miss about her and tell us about it so we can enjoy that with you?

        X

      • Sirena says:

        We were supposed to be making paper stars this week, I bought the stuff and everything. But then by the time the session came, I didn’t want to anymore. We have talked about missing her, the fears that come up… all of it. I still just feel a lot of disruption. I don’t know why.
        I almost feel like it’s getting worse instead of better. 😢

      • This little mind of mine says:

        When’s your next session, Thursday? Could you take the stuff again, just so it’s an option?

        I think it might be progress just to keep going even if you say nothing. Just withstanding that urge to cancel sessions or terminate altogether.

      • Sirena says:

        Yep. That’s what I’m struggling with. I know I have to reach out. But I’m so angry and a whole bunch of other feelings right now. And I’m so tired of having to be the one reaching out. I’m just really tired.

      • This little mind of mine says:

        I hear you. It may not count for much, but I’m reaching out in the only way that I can. I want to see you come out the other side of this. Please reach out to her, even if it’s the shortest text you can manage, tell her you don’t want to terminate.

        I don’t know the details of the last session, who did what. But you’re both human and will make mistakes. You need her, but you deserve her too! She’s such a big part of your life. Please don’t walk away from her, that will be staying at the bottom of the barrel, and that is only the middle of the journey, not the destination xxx

  6. Kate says:

    Oh sirena, when you’re not ready it is okay to wait. But maybe the waiting is more painfull.
    I get the pain of reaching out first and I’m planning on bringing that up with my therapist, maybe we could be brave togheter.

    • Sirena says:

      When are you bringing it up with your therapist, Kate? What will you say? I’ll be interested in her response. The waiting is more painful for definite, yet I won’t make the first move because I am THAT stubborn.

  7. Kate says:

    Well, the topic of ‘why arent you responding or checking in first’ I hope I can work up the courage to bring it up in the coming week and since we are (my therapist and me) usually blunt it will come out something like the above 😉
    For the ‘walking out of therapy part’ that happened today and some inside mailed her a fierce, fair mail about it and later asked if maybe we could call to restore some trust/find a safe connection.
    She was very warm and trusting on the phone and said it was her fault and that was reassuring. yet, I do recognize being stubborn sometimes. But then again, what is your end goal? What do you want to achieve by being stubborn or proud? Because the hurt of she not being the first one to check in, I get that. It hurts.
    But besides that, did she know how you felt in session? Because I’m (still) learning that even though it feels like therapists are mind readers, they are not. And for me, that usually means she doesn’t get the gravity of things unless I tell them and then we are making progress because she Gets it. (Well, most of the time 😉

    • Sirena says:

      You talk too much sense for my huffy brain! 😂
      Seriously though, I feel like she knows me and she saw how closed down I became and she knows how ruptures affect me. She has enough info to act upon in my opinion. I told her in session how I heard her comment and she said I was twisting her words/meaning. Which I kind of was probably.
      My end goal is nothing. I don’t have one. Ultimately I’m only harming myself. She clearly isn’t giving much of a shit right now so I feel like why should I?

      • Individual medley says:

        I get this, I often feel like this when I feel my T has got something wrong. I hope this doesn’t make you feel worse but once I calm down (which can often take quite a while) I realise that my life is going to be a whole lot worse from terminating than hers will be. So the “Fuck you” ends up being yet another way of hurting myself.
        When I read your blog I often wish my T was more like Sienna, she is human but she really cares a lot for you, so I really hope you can let one of the young hurting parts reach out to her. Maybe that way the angry parts won’t feel quite such a loss of pride? You all deserve to be heard because you all count, not just the noisy ones! 😉
        Take care x

      • Sirena says:

        Lol the noisy ones have too much of a grip right now.
        But I hear you about life being worse without her. Which makes me feel trapped. And I also can tell I’m sabotaging myself yet can’t seem to stop. This is hard stuff 🙁

  8. Kate says:

    When it’s about someone else, I usually see a much clearer picture then when it’s about myself 😉I totally get were you are coming from and it touches on all this nasty attachment stuff and it is hard. I hope you feel better today and maybe you can vent some of the anger in an email, i don’t think sienna doesn’t care and I know you know that. But that doesn’t mean that things don’t or can’t hurt.

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