I feel like I’m just deeply disturbed.
I am scared that below all of the C-PTSD stuff, the dissociative stuff, the fragmented personalities, the flashbacks, the body memories and the macabre nightmares, is just a girl who was born broken.
Maybe nothing really bad happened. I mean yes, I accept there’s attachment trauma and there’s maternal abandonment and emotional and physical neglect/abuse. Those things happened.
But this madness, this sense of something even worse in my past that my brain is locking away… it doesn’t make sense. So I’m left wondering, why am I so traumatised?
What is wrong with me? The way I dissociate, the parts that show up in therapy, they are deeply, deeply disturbed and extremely broken. How did they get that way? What happened to me?
What if nothing really bad happened? What if I was just born with a shitty personality and a damaged brain? Born broken.
What if I am creating all this amnesia shit? What if there’s literally nothing in my history to explain why I am so fucking damaged? Nothing as sinister as my behaviour implies?
What if I’m just a really sick, mentally unstable person?
What if there’s no reason why? What if there’s nothing or no one to blame for the way I am?
What if the way I am is my fault and no one else’s? What if there’s no answer for why I am completely fragmented?
The way I’ve been presenting lately…. I am so broken, so completely fragmented and tormented by things I can’t even remember properly. I’m being driven mad by images and half-truths and vague memories and nightmares and fragmented parts of all ages who seem to hold some big fucking secret that I’m not allowed to know.
How did this happen to me? Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me? Why do I always feel like I am just one step away from falling head-first into complete psychosis? Why have I felt that way from a very young age?
Why do I feel like at some point as a child, a bomb went off in my life and no one noticed? And because the world went on like nothing had happened, I reasoned that even though it feels catastrophic to me, it must not be, because the world hasn’t stopped. So it must be me that’s wrong. Maybe it’s all normal and I’m just weak and dramatic and attention-seeking.
The world didn’t stop, so a bomb couldn’t have gone off. Everyone kept on as normal and so that’s what I did too.
I’m really scared that there’s nothing wrong with me except being a freak. Born bad, born weird, born weak and with a natural tendency towards insanity.
Is that possible?