I don’t know why.

I feel like I’m just deeply disturbed.

I am scared that below all of the C-PTSD stuff, the dissociative stuff, the fragmented personalities, the flashbacks, the body memories and the macabre nightmares, is just a girl who was born broken.

Maybe nothing really bad happened.  I mean yes, I accept there’s attachment trauma and there’s maternal abandonment and emotional and physical neglect/abuse. Those things happened.

But this madness, this sense of something even worse in my past that my brain is locking away… it doesn’t make sense. So I’m left wondering, why am I so traumatised?

What is wrong with me? The way I dissociate, the parts that show up in therapy, they are deeply, deeply disturbed and extremely broken. How did they get that way? What happened to me?

What if nothing really bad happened? What if I was just born with a shitty personality and a damaged brain? Born broken.

What if I am creating all this amnesia shit? What if there’s literally nothing in my history to explain why I am so fucking damaged? Nothing as sinister as my behaviour implies?

What if I’m just a really sick, mentally unstable person?

What if there’s no reason why? What if there’s nothing or no one to blame for the way I am?

What if the way I am is my fault and no one else’s? What if there’s no answer for why I am completely fragmented?

The way I’ve been presenting lately…. I am so broken, so completely fragmented and tormented by things I can’t even remember properly. I’m being driven mad by images and half-truths and vague memories and nightmares and fragmented parts of all ages who seem to hold some big fucking secret that I’m not allowed to know.

How did this happen to me? Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me? Why do I always feel like I am just one step away from falling head-first into complete psychosis? Why have I felt that way from a very young age?

Why do I feel like at some point as a child, a bomb went off in my life and no one noticed? And because the world went on like nothing had happened, I reasoned that even though it feels catastrophic to me, it must not be, because the world hasn’t stopped. So it must be me that’s wrong. Maybe it’s all normal and I’m just weak and dramatic and attention-seeking.

The world didn’t stop, so a bomb couldn’t have gone off. Everyone kept on as normal and so that’s what I did too.

I’m really scared that there’s nothing wrong with me except being a freak. Born bad, born weird, born weak and with a natural tendency towards insanity.

Is that possible?

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “I don’t know why.

  1. peicesofemm says:

    I know I too question, if what I(and parts) recall really happened, I talk about it in therapy often and well my therapist talks to me about the science and neurology behind dissociation and trauma brain. That while the memories may not be completely accurate, and yet it’s not all in my head. Something did happen, something caused it, and well if I were making it up and faking there would be other things surfacing that don’t fit. (Not sure if I said that well)

    • findingmyway00 says:

      i agree. we struggle like we do for real reasons. i’ve gone through that so many times myself. i have known traumas that would still give me PTSD even if i didn’t have DID, but i also don’t have a lot of others so still question things and if it is real or if my head just made all this up for no reason which just makes no sense because i would never choose to struggle.

    • manyofus1980 says:

      my therapist always tells me about the science and neurology behind trauma too. she is trauma trained so that’s why! it helps to have someone who knows what they are doing. xx

      • peicesofemm says:

        My therapist once should me brain scans …. not my own…but I love knowing that there is science that backs up my experience and that it (DID) can be seen

  2. linj14 says:

    I can related to your feelings. Sometimes, I just feel like an alien-like monster, like I don’t belong to this world. You are not born bad, weird, broken, or weak. I believe that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made though we’re not perfect. Everyone has something that they struggle with, whether they show it or not. Mental illness and trauma just happen to be our struggles, and we need to grab the hands around us for support. Asking for help is not attention-seeking or a sign of weakness; it recognizing that we are born for community and loving each others. Don’t let your mental illness define your identity! Some things can happen that are no one’s fault. Continue to stay strong and fight on, Sirena! We’re all in this healing process together.

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks linj14 I’ll get up and fight against. Not today, today I’m playing dead. But maybe tomorrow…

    • manyofus1980 says:

      linj and sirena, I also relate to these feelings, I often think I am flawed or broken or bad or wrong or all sorta things. its hard not to think that way. it is hard to feel al those feelings. I feel like damaged goods a lot. xxx

  3. This.shaking says:

    Dear Sirena: I want to help but don’t know enough. I know that I am going through what looks from the outside like “Progress” but feels like falling apart, nothing makes sense ….. maybe I should just quit this endless nonsense and act normal ,,,,
    My T suggests this is “backlash” [oh, huh, flashback wasn’t enough to deal with????] I don’t understand it well, but think maybe she is saying my Evil Mother is fighting back against this “Progress”. I seem to remember Rachel (whom I miss so much) once writing about backlash.
    I wonder if this makes any sense to you. I will try to understand more from my T; I know my whole body all of a sudden turns into an icecube when this is happening. This seems to be fear hormones.
    I am quite sure that neither of us was born bad or crazy.
    Love – TS

    • Sirena says:

      I don’t remember about the “backlash” . But yes I’ve already thought the same as you about “quit this endless nonsense and act normal. ” I am very sad today. Very vulnerable.

  4. twinkletoes2017 says:

    Oh lovely. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are not broken or faulty or any other negative word you can think of that tries to explain away the pain you are feeling.

    Do you think this is you, Sirena the adult part saying this or perhaps your outer critic/internalised voice?? Something my T says to me often is that you have to be nice and kind to your inner child – the hurt and vulnerable child by helping to understand and soothe her in ways that we weren’t soothed as children by our shit caregivers.

    This sounds to me like you are trying to put the blame of how much pain you are experiencing into yourself rather than onto the people who’s fault this really is, could it be a bit of denial creeping in? The things you list that you admit did happen are bloody monumentally huge yet it reads as you saying I know a,b and c happened but that’s nothing….. does that make sense?

    My t said to me yesterday that the stuff we discussed last session had “enough to cry about for weeks” yet I can’t think of anything in it that was bad….. sorry I am not very eloquent like you at explaining myself but I hope this is making some sense….

    Basically, you’ve been hurt. Hurt doesn’t come close but I can’t think of another word that describes that pain, I doubt there even is one. But let me assure you, whatever you are feeling is not and has never been your fault. Babies are all born wonderfully innocent and good. It’s the people around them and the damage they do that leaves people like us fighting for years to re write out “truths”. Please try and be kind to your hurt inner child. Treat her as though she was your own. Comfort her and believe her and wrap her up in a blanket. Xxx

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks twinkle toes. I don’t mean those things are nothing or not enough to have affected me. I just meant, the fear and the brokenness and the depth of the darkness I seem to hold and sometimes comes out when a deeply protected part shows up… well I have no memory of anything as bad as that part suggests. I’m not trying to be critical of myself it’s just an observation and a confusion and fear too. I am trying to be kind with myself today mostly that means staying in bed.

      • twinkletoes2017 says:

        Sorry if I misunderstood what you meant. I just didn’t want you minimising yourself and your pain…. I am glad you are trying to be kind with yourself. Bed always helps me too. The blanket, sleep, cup of tea… watch a film, write, drawer, have a bath?! Sorry if I didn’t help cx

      • Sirena says:

        No any comments help. I know what you meant it’s just that on this occasion I don’t think I was trying to be critical of myself even though I suppose it reads that way. Or maybe I am being critical of myself sort of. But it wasn’t said as criticism but more with a tone of observing.

  5. Paper Doll says:

    I want you to know that I do not think you or any part of you is broken. And whether or not the trauma you hold is ‘enough’ shouldn’t be a part of the equation.

    This week, I was lamenting something similar and A went ‘but if it’s big enough for your body to hold it like this, it’s big enough and worthy of discussion.’

    You are not messed up, or wrong. Nobody would choose this journey. ❤️

    • Sirena says:

      I just don’t understand right now why whether it’s enough isn’t part of the equation. But I know what you’re saying.

    • Sirena says:

      The CSA stuff only comes up or out when I’m at home. Never in therapy. But some young parts or it might be the same part.. the one that showed up last night has been before, well she is really scared, she curls up in a ball and eventually cries. But my whole body goes into the trauma response, like agitated movement, real terror (of what I don’t know) there is a sense of a million things racing in my brain yet not being able to catch any of them to make a cohesive meaning of. It’s like my brain/body is acting out something that I can’t see.

    • Sirena says:

      And actually when I think about it, that particular part has only ever came out in therapy though I have felt her inside before.

  6. This little mind of mine says:

    You said in the first comment this never comes out in therapy but second comment said shes only ever come out in therapy, have I misunderstood or is that a typo?

    Either way, it’s a child part, and children don’t lie about CSA. Or rather, they can’t because they don’t know what it is unless it happens. Same for that distress you’ve described, you can’t fake that, and it has to have been a significant event or series of, in order to cause that sort of reaction. I’d also agree with peicesofemm, that if this was the result of a brain programmed wrong at birth or an early bump on the head that you’d have other symptoms or less DID symptoms.

    Is it possible to ask this deep part, what made them so scared? Or is that too much to even consider?

    Xx

    • Sirena says:

      I meant that the CSA details don’t occur in the therapy room. Like, I have never so far had a flashback of that abuse. That stuff comes in dreams or while I’m in my house. However reflecting I then added the comment that that particular traumatised child part has shown up in the therapy room several times but while her behaviour is that of a very abused and terrified child, there’s no words or images about what that trauma is. So she doesn’t talk, she just curls up. I don’t know if that part is aware of the CSA stuff.
      I don’t know if I’m making sense?

  7. amybelle1 says:

    Dissociating it’s s way that you have learnt to cope with trauma. It is a difficult thing to un learn, but by writing your blog I can tell you are already half way there. Well done you x

  8. Individual medley says:

    Sometimes I feel exactly as you describe in this post. And sometimes I can’t feel anything, just empty and detached. And sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the nightmares and daydreams that I can’t face the world. Sometimes all of these in one day. I think the questioning that you’ve described so well here, and also the numb detachment from any feelings, may be different parts that have different protective mechanisms. It’s confusing as hell, but perhaps they are just trying to do their job? Because who wants to believe the nightmares are real? I know I don’t. I think I’m just trying to say that it’s ok to feel this way, and that our brains will probably eventually let us have the full story – whatever that is – when we are ready. Hope I make sense, feeling a bit foggy… IM

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s