Self-contained.

I’ve been meaning to write here for a while. I’ve had a couple of sessions that I’ve not written about but I just haven’t felt able to. I don’t know why I can’t write anything, it just feels hard. Normally writing gives me the space to process things, it gives me time to think and re-listen to the session and pick up on anything I didn’t hear at the time.

But lately, I haven’t even felt like listening to my audio recordings, I haven’t wanted to re-live the emotions brought up in sessions.

I have been feeling very off kilter these past few weeks. It might just be that I’m recovering from a very tumultuous period of dissociation and I need the rest time.

I’m getting annoyed with myself because I’m even finding this hard to write. It isn’t coming naturally to me and I’m finding it hard to find a strand of thinking and follow it. I’m finding it difficult to work out if I’m making sense. This isn’t like me.

I’m spending my days basically disinterested in life. The things I normally want to read or watch aren’t holding my interest. I am sleeping an awful lot, although it feels like I need it. The sleep I’m getting for the most part feels refreshing, it’s decent quality sleep, though I still get lots of weird, mixed-up dreams (last night I dreamt I gave birth and when I looked down it was a little piglet LOL)

And I’ve noticed a lot of “chatter” during dream time from my parts. At least I think that’s what it is. I don’t know what they’re saying and I never remember on waking. It’s like they are watching the dreams and commenting on them or chatting amongst themselves. I wish I could remember what they say.

I’ve noticed lately too that I feel very self-contained, not disconnected exactly…. I don’t know, I just feel sort of sad and alone and inside of myself. And it’s not so overwhelming that I can’t hold it for myself, or that I look visibly distressed or that I need anything or anyone. But because I don’t need help with it and because there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better, I just feel alone with it.

There’s nothing wrong in the present and there’s nothing from the past weighing on my mind and even the parts are very quiet. This almost feels like depression.

Withdrawn! I feel withdrawn, that’s a good word for it. And sad. But I’m not sure why.

This week I’ve felt this soft vulnerability open up inside of me, something that needs wrapped in cotton wool. It felt very tender and it made me want to protect myself, to cradle this vulnerability that it sitting in my solar plexus. In fact, I felt it so keenly that I went to bed and listened to two meditation on self love. I just needed to curl into this soft and sad vulnerable part and allow it to be comforted. I fell asleep listening to the guided meditations and when I awoke I felt super floaty. So much so that I needed to ground myself properly.

That has passed now I think.

I’m okay. And not okay underneath. But mostly I’m okay. Blahhh.

 

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8 thoughts on “Self-contained.

  1. all the little parts says:

    Think I’m feeling the same. Only I’m going up and down with it (lovely BPD for you). There’s a gnawing ache in the centre of my chest. Not seeing my T for what seems like forever (13th June is the next session) and I feel so alone with this. Can’t write, don’t know how (which, like you, is really rare for me). Just an achy vulnerability. Think one of my little parts is in pain at the separation from my therapist.

    Just wanted to reach out in solidarity with you

    Take care of yourself hun xx

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks. You know it’s interesting that you mention one of the little parts being in pain at the separation from your therapist. I have a break coming up soon and I did wonder if this current mood state is because of the break coming up. But I’m not feeling the little parts playing up so that’s why I assumed it’s a me thing.
      I hope you feel better soon too.

  2. Individual Medley says:

    Yes, I think this is how I’m feeling, but to me I think it is a withdrawal from my T. We had a couple of difficult (part of me almost walking out early) sessions followed by an unexpected 2 week break that threw me completely. Now I think I am ok but my parts seem to be a bit hidden and I don’t want to expose them anymore. Not sure where I want to go anymore or whether I can trust anyone. Almost feeling like why am I doing therapy, but part of me knows I will spiral downwards very rapidly without it. Anyway, hope you find your connection with the things that you enjoy. Even if I don’t always comment (last couple of posts too close to home), please know I’m always reading and finding solace in knowing that I’m not alone in what goes on in my head. Take care, IM

    • Sirena says:

      Thanks I.M You’re definitely not alone in this stuff. I really identify with not wanting to expose the parts anymore.

  3. findingmyway00 says:

    i’ve been struggling with this same thing for the last few weeks. it isn’t normal for me either and am not sure if it’s related to the weather warming up or what. it is very not usual and is unsettling for me. i feel very shut down and haven’t written in my paper journal for a week. i type and delete a lot of things on FB or when talking to others find i censor myself/am being censored because there are also feelings/thoughts of not being liked, the words being wrong and stupid, and other things that cause me to second guess everything.

    i haven’t had therapy for two weeks which seemed to make it a bit worse. now it’s just these lingering feelings.

    • Sirena says:

      I wonder if there’s some cosmic shift in the air that we are responding to? Whatever it is, it’s horrible.

  4. La Quemada says:

    As I was reading, even before you said it, I was thinking: this sounds like depression. Reduced interest in things you normally engage in. Change in the amount you sleep. A sense of being detached. It sounds like you are coping, but it’s still not a great place to be. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.

    • Sirena says:

      It certainly feels a bit like depression. And yeah it’s a coping place but not a comfortable place. I wish it would move on.

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