I’ve been meaning to write here for a while. I’ve had a couple of sessions that I’ve not written about but I just haven’t felt able to. I don’t know why I can’t write anything, it just feels hard. Normally writing gives me the space to process things, it gives me time to think and re-listen to the session and pick up on anything I didn’t hear at the time.
But lately, I haven’t even felt like listening to my audio recordings, I haven’t wanted to re-live the emotions brought up in sessions.
I have been feeling very off kilter these past few weeks. It might just be that I’m recovering from a very tumultuous period of dissociation and I need the rest time.
I’m getting annoyed with myself because I’m even finding this hard to write. It isn’t coming naturally to me and I’m finding it hard to find a strand of thinking and follow it. I’m finding it difficult to work out if I’m making sense. This isn’t like me.
I’m spending my days basically disinterested in life. The things I normally want to read or watch aren’t holding my interest. I am sleeping an awful lot, although it feels like I need it. The sleep I’m getting for the most part feels refreshing, it’s decent quality sleep, though I still get lots of weird, mixed-up dreams (last night I dreamt I gave birth and when I looked down it was a little piglet LOL)
And I’ve noticed a lot of “chatter” during dream time from my parts. At least I think that’s what it is. I don’t know what they’re saying and I never remember on waking. It’s like they are watching the dreams and commenting on them or chatting amongst themselves. I wish I could remember what they say.
I’ve noticed lately too that I feel very self-contained, not disconnected exactly…. I don’t know, I just feel sort of sad and alone and inside of myself. And it’s not so overwhelming that I can’t hold it for myself, or that I look visibly distressed or that I need anything or anyone. But because I don’t need help with it and because there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better, I just feel alone with it.
There’s nothing wrong in the present and there’s nothing from the past weighing on my mind and even the parts are very quiet. This almost feels like depression.
Withdrawn! I feel withdrawn, that’s a good word for it. And sad. But I’m not sure why.
This week I’ve felt this soft vulnerability open up inside of me, something that needs wrapped in cotton wool. It felt very tender and it made me want to protect myself, to cradle this vulnerability that it sitting in my solar plexus. In fact, I felt it so keenly that I went to bed and listened to two meditation on self love. I just needed to curl into this soft and sad vulnerable part and allow it to be comforted. I fell asleep listening to the guided meditations and when I awoke I felt super floaty. So much so that I needed to ground myself properly.
That has passed now I think.
I’m okay. And not okay underneath. But mostly I’m okay. Blahhh.