I had therapy last night.
It did not help. I spoke very little. I really needed to find some connection, some way out of this detached, self-contained hell hole I’ve been plunged into. Yet I couldn’t find the words -there were no words. I was rendered mute by the vastness of the chaos I was feeling inside and the stuck-ness of not having words or even images of what was going on inside of me.
How can I not have words or images or thoughts to go with this thing, this experience? I couldn’t even say what I was feeling, there didn’t even seem to be feelings that I recognised as such.
I was experiencing big body reactions. I guess I can call it that. Whatever I was going through was very body based. I felt a lot of commotion in my solar plexus; disruption, agitation, my whole body felt tense but stayed very still for the most part, but there were moments when the agitation was visible but they would settle down.
In the morning, Sienna and I exchanged some texts. I had sent her my artwork the night before (Wed) and she was replying to ask how I was feeling. I had been sleeping and even though my phone was on silent, I woke up just as her text came through. I could feel that I was still dissociated and that Keira was there. So Keira answered.
Sienna told Keira to go get Sirena, that she’d look after her. But that just isn’t how it works. Truth be told, I feel like Sirena hasn’t been around since the week Sienna went on holiday. Not really. I hear this voice saying “ Sirena went away. She fell asleep and now she’s gone.”
She’s not gone, gone. But she couldn’t cope with the feelings Sienna’s break was evoking. In the days running up to Sienna’s break, Sofia, Mia and Keira ran the show.
It’s hard to tell if “Sirena” really has been gone that long. I feel like I haven’t been “myself” for weeks, yet I have such a strong Editing part that I’ve been able to keep the continuity of seeming like “ Sirena” and when I write, I seem to be able to channel her more. I feel more in touch with her.
When Keira told Sienna that she can’t wake Sirena up, Sienna wrote back “ Won’t?”
Keira told her, “ no, can’t. That’s not how it works.”
And it annoyed me or made me sad or something. I felt misunderstood and not heard… judged even. Sienna was judging me, judging that I can get Sirena to appear, that I can call her back like an ernest dog with the promise of a dog biscuit or something.
Sienna seemed to be assuming that I was choosing not to bring the adult part (Sirena) to the front. She knows I don’t have that sort of command of the parts. So why say that?
Sienna text to say she’d be out of range for most of the day and that she’d see me at 7pm. I felt abandoned. Like she was just sick of me. That I am too much. And I also felt like I didn’t have the right to feel that way.
The problem is, that right now I just need need need. ALL THE TIME! But I don’t know what it is I need or want and nothing seems to help. I am a giant ball of vague but powerful, all encompassing need.
I want and need Sienna’s attention all the time, yet I feel so awful and so detached that I also don’t want anything to do with her. So there’s this constant reaching, yet nothing feels good and nothing helps and I am not directly asking for anything because I don’t know what’s wrong or what I need or what would help.
And I’m seeing myself from afar, like from outside of my body, and it’s just embarrassing, to be like this over-tired toddler in a grown ups body. And that shame makes me want to withdraw further.
In my session last night, Sienna commented that Keira had seemed really distressed to her. Yet she wasn’t seeing that tonight and she felt confused, had she got that wrong? Or was Keira not as distressed as she was saying she was in the texts?
I felt let down. I felt like she was implying that me/Keira was lying or something. But for me, 10 hours is a long time, a lot can happen or change in 10 hours… I live with different mood states and have parts that switch in and out. This is something Sienna should know.
Sienna should also remember that just because I’m sitting there pretty still and not showing much, doesn’t mean I am calm or not in the same distress. She knows my trauma responses are generally to freeze.
At one point in the session, towards the end, I completely went still, I went into this heavily sedated dissociation. It felt really strange. Sienna either didn’t notice or ignored it.
The session was fucked. There was no connection and I don’t feel like Sienna tried that hard or was particularly attuned. Normally that would send me into blind panic, that as session was ending and I hadn’t been able to connect with her or feel any comfort. But I was so locked inside myself that I couldn’t fully feel it or fully care.
She ended the session on time and ignored the fact I was still really dissociated. She beckoned me for a hug but I refused. She asked why I was refusing a hug? I shrugged and she didn’t push it.
When I got to the foyer downstairs, the tears were blinding me and I had to sit for a few minutes before I felt ready to walk out to the car. I don’t do public crying so I felt extremely self-conscious that I couldn’t stop the tears. Luckily, at that time of night the building is virtually empty.
When I got home, I had this huge urge to runaway from home. Don’t often get the “flight” response, hardly ever in fact. But suddenly I had this overwhelming need to shut down, to get away from my life. In that moment I needed with every fibre of my being to be alone, somewhere new. I really need a holiday. And I need to leave my therapy. I text Sienna to tell her I really need to go away, like, immediately. She hasn’t replied yet.
The level of panic and impulse to leave everything and just get away was so encompassing. I totally understand why people just disappear.
Around 10:30pm my neck and shoulder began hurting really badly (Fibromyalgia pain). I had felt it twinge earlier in the day but it returned tonight and it was the most pain I’ve ever felt with it. Normally the pain which is at the base of my neck and travel into the trapezoid muscle just feels like a dense muscle ache that needs massaged. On a level of 1-10 on the pain scale, it normally varies between a 2 and a 5. This tonight was a 9.
The pains shot down my arm and to the base of my back and hip. I cried so hard but to be honest I’m not sure how much of that absolute bereft crying was emotional pain and how much was because of the physical pain.
What I do know is that that level of physical pain was directly influenced by the emotional turmoil I’ve been in.
I took a ton of pain medication and went to bed. But I’ve only slept 3 hours. The pain has subsided a bit but it’s still there, it’s down from a 9 to a 6.
The need to run away has calmed down now. Yet I’ve still been looking at place to go. I still feel like I need to get away from everything.
I am scared that Sienna is literally sick of the sight of me. I wouldn’t blame her. I’m sick of me too.
I feel worthless.
I don’t know if feeling like she’s sick of me or is very unattuned lately is real or just because of how detached I am and how unhelpable I am right now. But I feel this worry that she’s sick of me, that I am too much and that she is distancing herself from me.
It’s hard to know what is real right now.