Run away.

I had therapy last night.

It did not help. I spoke very little. I really needed to find some connection, some way out of this detached, self-contained hell hole I’ve been plunged into. Yet I couldn’t find the words -there were no words. I was rendered mute by the vastness of the chaos I was feeling inside and the stuck-ness of not having words or even images of what was going on inside of me.

How can I not have words or images or thoughts to go with this thing, this experience? I couldn’t even say what I was feeling, there didn’t even seem to be feelings that I recognised as such.

I was experiencing big body reactions. I guess I can call it that. Whatever I was going through was very body based. I felt a lot of commotion in my solar plexus; disruption, agitation, my whole body felt tense but stayed very still for the most part, but there were moments when the agitation was visible but they would settle down.

In the morning, Sienna and I exchanged some texts. I had sent her my artwork the night before (Wed) and she was replying to ask how I was feeling. I had been sleeping and even though my phone was on silent, I woke up just as her text came through. I could feel that I was still dissociated and that Keira was there. So Keira answered.

Sienna told Keira to go get Sirena, that she’d look after her. But that just isn’t how it works. Truth be told, I feel like Sirena hasn’t been around since the week Sienna went on holiday. Not really. I hear this voice saying “ Sirena went away. She fell asleep and now she’s gone.”

She’s not gone, gone. But she couldn’t cope with the feelings Sienna’s break was evoking. In the days running up to Sienna’s break, Sofia, Mia and Keira ran the show.

It’s hard to tell if “Sirena” really has been gone that long. I feel like I haven’t been “myself” for weeks, yet I have such a strong Editing part that I’ve been able to keep the continuity of seeming like “ Sirena” and when I write, I seem to be able to channel her more. I feel more in touch with her.

When Keira told Sienna that she can’t wake Sirena up, Sienna wrote back “ Won’t?”

Keira told her, “ no, can’t. That’s not how it works.”

And it annoyed me or made me sad or something. I felt misunderstood and not heard… judged even. Sienna was judging me, judging that I can get Sirena to appear, that I can call her back like an ernest dog with the promise of a dog biscuit or something.

Sienna seemed to be assuming that I was choosing not to bring the adult part (Sirena) to the front. She knows I don’t have that sort of command of the parts. So why say that?

Sienna text to say she’d be out of range for most of the day and that she’d see me at 7pm. I felt abandoned. Like she was just sick of me. That I am too much. And I also felt like I didn’t have the right to feel that way.

The problem is, that right now I just need need need. ALL THE TIME! But I don’t know what it is I need or want and nothing seems to help. I am a giant ball of vague but powerful, all encompassing need.

I want and need Sienna’s attention all the time, yet I feel so awful and so detached that I also don’t want anything to do with her. So there’s this constant reaching, yet nothing feels good and nothing helps and I am not directly asking for anything because I don’t know what’s wrong or what I need or what would help.

And I’m seeing myself from afar, like from outside of my body, and it’s just embarrassing, to be like this over-tired toddler in a grown ups body. And that shame makes me want to withdraw further.

In my session last night, Sienna commented that Keira had seemed really distressed to her. Yet she wasn’t seeing that tonight and she felt confused, had she got that wrong? Or was Keira not as distressed as she was saying she was in the texts?

I felt let down. I felt like she was implying that me/Keira was lying or something. But for me, 10 hours is a long time, a lot can happen or change in 10 hours… I live with different mood states and have parts that switch in and out. This is something Sienna should know.

Sienna should also remember that just because I’m sitting there pretty still and not showing much, doesn’t mean I am calm or not in the same distress. She knows my trauma responses are generally to freeze.

At one point in the session, towards the end, I completely went still, I went into this heavily sedated dissociation. It felt really strange. Sienna either didn’t notice or ignored it.

The session was fucked. There was no connection and I don’t feel like Sienna tried that hard or was particularly attuned. Normally that would send me into blind panic, that as session was ending and I hadn’t been able to connect with her or feel any comfort. But I was so locked inside myself that I couldn’t fully feel it or fully care.

She ended the session on time and ignored the fact I was still really dissociated. She beckoned me for a hug but I refused. She asked why I was refusing a hug? I shrugged and she didn’t push it.

When I got to the foyer downstairs, the tears were blinding me and I had to sit for a few minutes before I felt ready to walk out to the car. I don’t do public crying so I felt extremely self-conscious that I couldn’t stop the tears. Luckily, at that time of night the building is virtually empty.

When I got home, I had this huge urge to runaway from home.  Don’t often get the “flight” response, hardly ever in fact. But suddenly I had this overwhelming need to shut down, to get away from my life. In that moment I needed with every fibre of my being to be alone, somewhere new. I really need a holiday. And I need to leave my therapy. I text Sienna to tell her I really need to go away, like, immediately. She hasn’t replied yet.

The level of panic and impulse to leave everything and just get away was so encompassing. I totally understand why people just disappear.

Around 10:30pm my neck and shoulder began hurting really badly (Fibromyalgia pain). I had felt it twinge earlier in the day but it returned tonight and it was the most pain I’ve ever felt with it. Normally the pain which is at the base of my neck and travel into the trapezoid muscle just feels like a dense muscle ache that needs massaged. On a level of 1-10 on the pain scale, it normally varies between a 2 and a 5. This tonight was a 9.

The pains shot down my arm and to the base of my back and hip. I cried so hard but to be honest I’m not sure how much of that absolute bereft crying was emotional pain and how much was because of the physical pain.

What I do know is that that level of physical pain was directly influenced by the emotional turmoil I’ve been in.

I took a ton of pain medication and went to bed. But I’ve only slept 3 hours. The pain has subsided a bit but it’s still there, it’s down from a 9 to a 6.

The need to run away has calmed down now. Yet I’ve still been looking at place to go. I still feel like I need to get away from everything.

I am scared that Sienna is literally sick of the sight of me. I wouldn’t blame her. I’m sick of me too.

I feel worthless.

I don’t know if feeling like she’s sick of me or is very unattuned lately is real or just because of how detached I am and how unhelpable I am right now. But I feel this worry that she’s sick of me, that I am too much and that she is distancing herself from me.

It’s hard to know what is real right now.

 

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Run away.

  1. Kate123@gmail.com says:

    Hi all of you,
    I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I don’t know if it helps but I’m recognizing every word you write. Including the urge to run away. This really strong drive to go, leave, don’t look back because nothing feels safe. My therapist sometimes says ‘I don’t know everything, sometimes you all have to help me understand’ and she’s right. Sometimes I think that growing up, it felt as if somebody knew everything (at least that’s the case with me) there was no safety, not even in your own head. So sometimes I think my therapist is just like that.
    I don’t know if sienna can help you, or the you that feels this way, but maybe someone inside can help explain what’s going on, even if it feels like there are no words? Or someone could send sienna this post and I’m sure it can help her understand. I don’t think she’s sick of you, maybe she doesn’t know what’s going on and feels helpless? I know she wants to help (or. If that’s to scary a word, she wants to be there)
    And, for the parts stepping in because sirena is overwhelmed, well done, you all are really strong and trying to cope, that takes courage and strength!
    Thinking of you,
    Kate

  2. Individualmedley says:

    I can relate to this so much. I feel like my T has forgotten who I am since Easter, I can’t get across how dissociated, distressed and alone I feel, and she is putting in more boundaries.
    Why do they misunderstand us and push us away when we need them the most???

      • Individualmedley says:

        I just found out my T has difficult stuff going on in her personal life and is taking at least the next week off work. It helps to know it isn’t just me being difficult and pissing her off, but I am terrified of not seeing her for an undetermined period of time.
        I don’t mean to tell you this to scare you, but maybe Sienna just has something else going on that is making her a bit less attuned than normal?

  3. This little mind of mine says:

    As I was reading the first part I was sitting here thinking “you need a hug with Sienna” then I got to the part where she offered it and you declined and I thought “Sienna needs that hug as much as you do”. She needs to connect with you too, right?

    I’m going to draw a comparison with me and my son, which you’ll I imagine you’ll love or hate, so go easy on me if you hate it!

    Just recently there has been a disconnection between me and my eldest, as my youngest is at a stage of needing a lot more of my attention. My eldest would seem fine, but then all of a sudden be mad at me, I was sure he needed to come into my arms but he would refuse, he was mad at me, but does not know how to verbalise this yet. I feel hurt myself when he refuses, I wonder what I’ve done wrong, I feel like a terrible mother for not being able to comfort my boy and it breaks my heart to see him struggling emotionally. But now he has let me back in, because he let me hold him. I feel like he’s forgiven me for not being there as much just recently, and is allowing me to be there now. And I needed that just as much as him.

    The roles are reversed for me when I’m feeling neglected by my partner, all I want is for him to hold me, but I don’t want to forgive him in case he thinks that whatever he did was ok and I sorta want to make him suffer a bit by staying mad. Now, I say what I think and feel, EVEN if it seems unreasonable or I should understand the circumstances. E.g. Just recently he’s spent a lot of time at work and I’ve had to juggle the kids on my own during witching hour which triggers the crap outta me. I’ve been able to say “I know you had to work, but I’m still pissed at you that you weren’t here and that I had to survive this on my own”

    You know Sienna is entitled to a holiday, but that doesn’t erase the effect it has on you, and you are entitled to feel those emotions, they are valid. Emotions aren’t about being reasonable or fair or logical.

    I’d say, tell her you’re pissed that she left you, and whatever else comes to mind, and if you can, forgive her and let her back in. Because she does love you, and she will be hurting right now too, because she is still but human, and there’s no way with your attachment that she’s not feeling this too.

    Big hugs from me xxx

    • Sirena says:

      Thank you for this, what a lovely reply. I don’t know if the thing with your older son is the same thing going on for me and Sienna. I do let her in sometimes. We sat on the sofa and cuddled on Monday. But on Thursday I couldn’t. Part of it was refusing the connection but part of it was that I was too dissociated to move. She stood up and wanted me to stand up for a hug and I couldn’t.
      I kind of wish she wanted the connection or is feeling the need for it too, but I can’t imagine that to be the case. She just seems far away.

      • This little mind of mine says:

        I totally understand not being able to move. For me it feels like everything but my eyes are paralysed, no matter what my heart or mind might be screaming for me to do.

        I’ve been thinking a lot about your last sentence “she just seems so far away”… And if you’re up for it, I wondered what she would look like if you drew her, in this far away state? And if I knew nothing of you or Sienna, how would you describe what you drew to me?

        Xxx

      • Sirena says:

        I would describe to you a white faded scene. A child in the forefront looking sadly towards the horizon, the sky and earth white and pale greys merging into one and the mother, a blurred outline far in the distance, heading away, over the horizon.

  4. findingmyway00 says:

    mine never notices when i am dissociated. it pisses me off….it’s supposed to be her job to pick up on that, but it doesn’t happen.

    the feeling of disconnection is difficult with someone who you have built a connection and a level of trust with. i have that also with my therapist. it really is off and on, usually off. but they do still care about us. it’s also hard to know if it just is things coming from us or if it’s mutual.

    i think that talking about it with her is important for you so it doesn’t just sit there inside and keep growing and causing more distress.

    • Sirena says:

      I know we need to talk… I am just struggling a lot . Sienna is usually better attuned than this. Which is why I’m struggling with this sense that she’s far away from me.

  5. La Quemada says:

    It sounds like Sienna is misunderstanding some fundamental workings of your system, and that is making her look in the wrong places to reach you. I’m quite sure she isn’t sick of you–she’s been there consistently so many times, and she’s shown in many ways she cares. But it does sound like she is a little lost right when you need her to be very clued in. That’s such a painful feeling. So hard for you to feel all that need and not have it met at all. And then to be compounding the emotional pain with the physical pain; it just sounds excruciating! I’m so sorry!

    I know talking is important but also seems hard. Are there any little clues you could send her? Maybe an excerpt from this post? A text that says, “Sirena want to connect with you but is feeling unable; please help her with this. — Keira.” Or I don’t know what you think might work. Just don’t stop trying, please, because you deserve that connection and I do believe that Sienna wants it as well.

    • Sirena says:

      Thank you Q. I can’t stop trying to ask but I’m finding it very hard to override the protective parts who want to detach and retreat.
      You’re right about her not fully understanding the system. I think maybe we are both lost just now.

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