Haunted Girl ; Not quite here.
I feel like the past 3 weeks or so have been a dissociative mess. I know I haven’t written much about my sessions lately, certainly not in the depth I normally do. I haven’t felt much like listening back to my sessions and therefore don’t always have an awful lot of memory about them, not enough to write much about.
Last weekend was pretty tough after the fall out from the “Miss Loud and Confident” Client debacle. Turns out the woman wasn’t even a therapy client, she was there for some other reason. ( no idea what. ) and Sienna literally hadn’t even heard her phone vibrating, She thought she had it on silent.
This has been a good reminder not to assume things. I do that all the time and I’m never right!
Despite being an obnoxious brat, Sienna stayed with me the whole weekend, keeping in touch with me via texting. I switched a lot between different parts and last Friday and Saturday were really bad. I self-harmed a lot, which isn’t like me. I was very dissociative and spent the whole of Saturday in bed and the times I was awake, I cried or was just mute, sitting staring. Texting with Sienna didn’t seem to be enough. In fact, the texting was becoming triggering because I just wanted to hear her voice. And she felt different to me, somehow. I detected this spilt in her and it made me feel unsafe. This split I was feeling was therapist her and the real her. And it’s too complicated for me to write about just now and my brain isn’t operating properly.
As a way of coping, I close down and I often tune out from life using the internet or watching whole seasons of shows. Last week I watched 6 seasons of Girls. Six!
By Sunday, the intensity of it all was starting to wane and I could feel a detachment moving in. I didn’t want to go to therapy. I wanted to quit. But Sienna told me I wasn’t quitting, that I would be in therapy if she had to drive to my house and drag me there. That made me laugh, my first smile in days. I really like that Sienna can joke with me like that and be that familiar and frank with me. I need her to be like that. I need her to have humour and more importantly determination and commitment to me. I have little doubt she probably would come to my house to drag me to therapy. I need that. I need her to not let me detach, to not float away from this.
On Sunday, Sienna suggested a phone check in. I had already started detaching from her and didn’t want to. I couldn’t even reply to her, I didn’t want to speak with her and I didn’t want to risk further triggering. It took me 10 hours to decided to speak with her. She sounded more like her again. And the call helped me to feel a bit more connected to her.
I keep wanting to delete this post. I can’t even write properly just now. It doesn’t help that my original post got fucking wiped and I’m having to start again.
I just feel very disconnected, detached and vulnerable. I am struggling to externalise the inner chaos that I am feeling. It feels like no words or images can describe or do justice to the experience I am holding.
I am sorry if this post is disjointed but I can’t seem to think properly. I wanted to write, to try and externalise this empty disconnected place I am, usually writing helps me. But not this time. I just feel locked in. Or out…. I don’t know which.