I feel so crap. Like, really shitty.
I acknowledge that I am PMS’ing like a bitch right now and that is heightening everything I feel by 10 times.
Does anyone else’s hormones disrupt their therapy? Mine do.
Following on from my last post about seeing that client (Miss Loud and Confident) in the foyer after my session, I was able to feel and hold my anger about it. I resolved to try to say something to Sienna about it at some point.
Perhaps because of the hormones, every-time I thought about it, about that client and about Sienna’s damn mobile phone, the anger just rose up really quickly and when I practiced in my head what I wanted to say, none of it was mature or well communicated. It was just sarcastic, bitchy soundbites.
Eventually by Wednesday evening, near midnight, I’d had enough of holding it in and I sent Sienna text telling her I hate seeing clients after my session especially loud ones who call her during my session even though she was early and we were on time. I told her that if it happens again then I will be having a word with Miss Loud and confident myself. – I wasn’t serious about that I don’t think… although if I was angry enough, maybe I would. But part of me was deliberately being inflammatory, almost daring Sienna to tell me that I’d better not do that but also hoping that she’d really set the boundaries with the other client in order to avoid this situation again.
I also told her that I hate her phone vibrating in session all the time. (It’s not all the time… but when I’m annoyed I like to exaggerate everything.)
This morning, Sienna replied to say it was good feedback and that she hadn’t even heard her phone vibrating, she thought it was on silent, but she would investigate further.
W-T-F? How could she not have heard it? It was loud, is she really that hard of hearing? C’mon guys… if you have an I-phone and it vibrates with a phonecall…. You hear it, right?
I couldn’t believe that she’d never heard it. But thinking about it, normally she would get up and silence her phone if she’s forgot to. So maybe she didn’t hear it.
Something about Sienna’s reply annoyed me, and I’m not sure what exactly. Maybe I was baiting her and she didn’t rise to it and that’s why I was annoyed. I was geared up for confrontation or drama or something and it didn’t come. Or maybe the underlying feelings below the sarcasm and bitchy tone weren’t being acknowledged and therefore I didn’t get what I needed from her which is always a flashpoint.
I wanted her attention. I don’t even know what I needed from her and I wasn’t even really clear on what she could do to help me. There wasn’t anything. My text was bait. Pure and simple. I wanted to create an argument.
All week I have been tracking my anger, and I knew not to contact her about this issue. The adult part of me knew it could wait, it’s really not a huge deal and since I couldn’t come up with an adult response every-time I imagined bringing the subject up, I knew it was best to wait until I was calm and that’s why I held off.
This morning, I should have left it at that. Sienna would look into the phone issue.
But we all know that’s not my style. If I can make a mountain out of a molehill, then that’s what I’ll do.
I think I also felt a bit annoyed that she never mentioned the other client, she didn’t explain to me what happened, why she was there early. But maybe that’s her attempt at confidentiality. Maybe she’s protecting the other client.
I tried to let her reply settle with me. But all I could hear were Sofia’s angry thoughts and kicking out behaviour.
Sofia took over for me. She escalated things because she wanted to. She wanted to do as much damage as possible. She didn’t want to hold back and it didn’t even occur to her to try and be less direct or respectful.
So I (Sofia) sent a new text in hopes of baiting Sienna even further…
“ It isn’t on silent if it’s vibrating. I REALLY don’t like seeing the next client either… why no confidentiality???? Why no break between clients???? Maybe if you took better breaks between sessions you wouldn’t yawn through every single session we have. Unless that’s just boredom.”
Fuck Sake Sofia!!!!! Ouch.
The yawning thing was something I’ve noticed for a long while now and wasn’t going to say anything about.
It isn’t all the time or every single session, I just said that for effect. But it bugs me. I see her stifling yawns a lot and it’s not something she used to do. But it has been for months. She’s just had a holiday so it can’t be fatigue. Why the fuck is she yawning?
I’ll give her her dues, she does try to stifle it, and I always politely look away to give her a few seconds to yawn or compose herself or whatever… because we both know a therapist yawning isn’t really the best.
It’s embarrassing for me to admit. Like… am I really boring her?
If I am honest, I don’t think it’s boredom. I am 98% certain it’s not that. But that 2% niggle is there and it feels much bigger.
My theory is that she works all day on a Monday. She’s essentially up from early in the morning and by my appointment at 6pm she’s getting tired. I also think (but don’t know for sure) that she’s constantly on the move, even on her days off. I get the impression she’s constantly out and about doing something, going somewhere…. And she’s getting older (55) and while that’s not old obviously, perhaps she’s not recognising that she needs more rest time?
My second theory is that it’s some sort of passive-aggressive counter-transference, maybe?
My friend reminded me that dissociation is catching and perhaps she’s sub-consciously picking up on my dissociation? Another good theory.
My friend also said that it could even be menopause making her tired…. Definitely a possibility, I’d never thought of that.
I think and hope it is just physical tiredness. I don’t know the reason why. But it brings up some feelings of fear. Is it because she’s getting older? Is she sick? Am I running out of time with her? Maybe she’ll realise she’s super tired and retire unexpectedly.
Or is she just doing too much and needs to alter her routine? In which case I feel angry because I shouldn’t have to point out that she’s yawning all the time in my session. I should have an alert therapist. (Although to be fair I rarely think she’s not alert.)
Sienna does so much for me, so how can I complain if she’s tired? I don’t like criticizing her, it’s awkward. And because she does so much for me, even on her days off, I cut her some slack on the yawning thing and that’s why I haven’t said anything about it, or even felt too annoyed.
But clearly Sofia is annoyed by it and used it as another excuse to be a bitch.
Sienna just text back “ Happy to discuss it tomorrow.”
UGH!!! She is so fucking frustrating.
I think that reply is code for “ Not getting into this with you today.”
In true mature style I text back “ Nope.”
And that’s been it.
And now I feel shit. I feel weepy and disconnected from Sienna. A lot of fear and a huge amount of distrust has surfaced today. Sienna feels like a stranger to me.
I feel like I’ve taken a huge step back in terms of my trust and security in our relationship and I don’t know why. The thing with the other client really isn’t enough to have prompted this level of distrust.
She feels very very far away from me. And I don’t get it. Why am I feeling like this?
I feel like I’ve lost the relationship. I know I haven’t and the connectedness will return at some point, but it really feels lost right now.
I wish I understood why I feel like this, what triggered it.
I do remember feeling like it was going to be really hard to have just one session this week. I felt like I could have done with an extra session but it wasn’t a big enough “need” or thought to make me act on it. I’m not sure what the source of my neediness is this week.
The anger about the other client has been a rouse; a cover-up for something else that I’m not aware of yet.
I have needed or wanted Sienna’s attention but I don’t even know why. I’ve wanted to piss her off, to push her, so I’ve been deliberately inflammatory. I haven’t used my skills to communicate effectively because I haven’t wanted to be effective. I’ve wanted to be rude. It’s all very teenagery.
I am genuinely not aware of what it is that I’m really feeling. What’s bothering me? What’s been the trigger? I feel like a restless over-tired toddler.