I did it. I got to the end of our break! I will see Sienna tomorrow night. (Well tonight since it’s after midnight here and technically Monday now)
I did okay. It was fairly calm. Friday turned out to be a bit difficult due to some family drama… why does that always happens when Sienna in on her break?
But overall the 14 days have passed with relative ease. I feel good about that. This is progress.
Part of me doesn’t want to tell Sienna that I coped well. There’s a bigger break coming up in June which is really going to challenge me and if she thinks I do okay during breaks then maybe she won’t take my worries seriously. And also, the huffy child wants to guilt her for leaving NOT tell her that it was okay to go or that I survived it! 😂
In true ambivalent attachment style, I am now not that bothered about going to my session tomorrow. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to do therapy. There’s a vague distant feeling of anger at her leaving. And a very obvious feeling at the forefront of suspicion and mistrust.
From around Thursday this week the disconnected “she doesn’t exist/is dead” feeling moved in. She didn’t feel so real to me anymore. Every day it intensified a little more. Today I’ve felt detached and like she’s a very distant memory. Not real at all. I don’t feel like I need or want her anymore. I could go another week being this detached- yet I’m glad she’s back tomorrow and that I don’t have to test that theory! Lol.
It’s not nice to feel like the relationship no longer exists or that she doesn’t exist and the suspicion and mistrust isn’t nice either. But there is a positive in that normally those feelings would have moved in much quicker. It used to be as soon as I left her presence!
I feel nervous about tomorrow. I just want to get this disruption over with and back to the normal business of therapy.