I did it.

I did it. I got to the end of our break! I will see Sienna tomorrow night. (Well tonight since it’s after midnight here and technically Monday now)

I did okay. It was fairly calm. Friday turned out to be a bit difficult due to some family drama… why does that always happens when Sienna in on her break?

But overall the 14 days have passed with relative ease. I feel good about that. This is progress.

Part of me doesn’t want to tell Sienna that I coped well. There’s a bigger break coming up in June which is really going to challenge me and if she thinks I do okay during breaks then maybe she won’t take my worries seriously. And also, the huffy child wants to guilt her for leaving NOT tell her that it was okay to go or that I survived it! 😂

In true ambivalent attachment style, I am now not that bothered about going to my session tomorrow. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to do therapy. There’s a vague distant  feeling of anger at her leaving. And a very obvious feeling at the forefront of suspicion and mistrust.

From around Thursday this week the disconnected “she doesn’t exist/is dead” feeling moved in. She didn’t feel so real to me anymore. Every day it intensified a little more. Today I’ve felt detached and like she’s a very distant memory. Not real at all. I don’t feel like I need or want her anymore. I could go another week being this detached- yet I’m glad she’s back tomorrow and that I don’t have to test that theory! Lol.

It’s not nice to feel like the relationship no longer exists or that she doesn’t exist and the suspicion and mistrust isn’t nice either. But there is a positive in that normally those feelings would have moved in much quicker. It used to be as soon as I left her presence! 

I feel nervous about tomorrow. I just want to get this disruption over with and back to the normal business of therapy. 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “I did it.

  1. Cd says:

    Yay!!! You rock!!

    I had rollercoaster week. My therapist talked about not seeing me for 3 months (so I can work with a trauma T before she leaves in August). Yeah, I didn’t handle that well. Who would?! I fought hard enough about going down to 1x wk. The first week of that and basically says see you in 3 months. Ah!! I went from extatic (new job) to extremely suicidal. 😦

  2. This little mind of mine says:

    I laughed with you through that 😄, will be interesting to see where your feelings settle after the session tomorrow, cool and casual or dealing the guilt trip! At least Sienna should be all recharged and ready for it either way! 😁

  3. La Quemada says:

    Oh yes, I know how weird it feels to make it through a break and then be all confused about going back! I tend to feel like all the stuff that once seemed so urgent has faded into the background, and I just don’t care about it anymore. It’s another way of distancing myself and I suppose of protecting myself from feeling hurt that she was gone.

    What worked best for me recently was to admit that to her, that I felt distanced from her and from our work, but then to jump back into more or less where we were when we left. I decided to trust that ultimately our relationship was the same, she was still going to be trustworthy, and I was still going to find the work meaningful. So even though I felt like I didn’t want to do it, I went ahead and picked up more or less where we left off. It turned out to be a good decision because we slid back into the flow, and that felt like a good use of time.

    I have to admit, though, that was the first and only time I’ve ever been able to do that! More commonly, I remain remote and sort of passive for a bit and make her “prove” to me that she still cares, kind of leaving all the relationship work to her. I must have been very annoying in that way. How does she put up with me?!? I wonder sometimes…

    Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in session today. I hope when you get there, it feels really good to see her again.

  4. Blooming Lily says:

    So glad you got through it!! Maybe you could tell Sienna exactly what you told us – that you were okay and that you’re also really nervous for the next break, and how intense that feels for you.
    I totally get feeling like someone doesn’t exist as soon as they are out of my line of sight. It’s strange. I’m glad you’re going to see Sienna anyway! 🙂 xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s