I’ve noticed lately an intensified pre-occupation with how I look and I feel lost.
I’m struggling with my whole identity. Who AM I? What do people see or think when they see me? What is my overall image? I don’t know.
I keep looking at other girls, teenagers, 20-somethings, women my age, women older…. And they all seem better than me. Skinny girls, slim or fit women, curvier women or women heavier than me, long shiny hair, smart beach-waved shoulder-length hair, blue hair, pink hair, grey/silver hair, piercings, tattoos, arty women, business women, travellers, party-goers, country chicks, rock chicks, bohemian women, tree huggers, spiritual mother-earth types, sassy straight-talking girls… I want to be them all and I never want to be me. I don’t even know who me is.
I’m going to be 38 soon. It terrifies me. I am preoccupied with looking in the mirror, trying to work out how old I look. I’ve always been mistaken for much younger than I am. A lot of people think I’m like early 20’s. I can tell the way they talk to me that they think I’m really young. But to me, I think I look my age, I am starting to get some light lines, I feel like my face is starting to sag a little bit. My husband says I’m imagining it.
The young parts of me are horrified to be so old. How did this even happen? I think a big fear is that if they are old then no one will want to look after them anymore because adults can look after themselves can’t they? And looking like an adult and acting like a 6 year old is so embarrassing, so it’s harder for the younger parts to come out.
Not only that, the young parts and teen parts especially are so attracted to all the latest fashions and make-up and hair and then they look in the mirror and get discouraged because they can’t ever look like the pretty girls because it’s an adult woman’s body. I listen to my 13 year old niece and see her Instagram pics and I feel left out, because I don’t know all the things she knows and I can’t be that young again…. Isn’t that ridiculous? When I’m more in my adult parts I don’t feel all of this so acutely.
Lately I’ve been looking at other people’s lives on Facebook and even though some are living a life I don’t particularly want, it seems exciting and full of beautiful people and parties and travel and it’s just a life I’ll never have…. I wouldn’t be accepted in the “beautiful people gang”. I don’t know where I belong.
I’ve accomplished nothing. I am not living a full life, I am not living a life anyone would want. This isn’t the life I want. But I don’t know how to make things better for myself. I feel very confused.
I don’t know who I want to be. I mean, I want to be me… I don’t want to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I want to be unique- as much as I say I want to be like others, deep down I just want to be me, whoever that is. I want to be firmly me, I don’t mind being different, in fact I want to be different, but I want to feel pretty or beautiful or even just okay. I want to like myself and feel like I have an identity. That people see me and say “ that’s Sirena, there’s no one like her.” I want to feel worthy. I want people to pick out things about me that make me, me. Things that they could accurately describe as being me. Like, “ That feels like a Sirena thing.”
I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I wouldn’t mind my age and getting older if I had a solid sense of self. If I felt my age, then I’d probably think I was looking okay-ish. It’s just really hard to reconcile feeling different ages but the body is definitely an adult. I am not slim, and that is very hard for me to accept, but I see women who are much bigger than me and they take an interest in fashion and they look really good and I wonder how they do it, because everything I wear I look shit in. UGH.
I don’t want to be a total sad-act (British slang for a loser bytheway lol) who is lusting after other people’s lives or image. I don’t want to be chasing the unattainable.
I can’t be anyone else, so why bother trying? But I would really like to find me. I just feel like a nothing… a black hole of nothingness, a non-descript fuzzy outline of a human. So often, I just don’t recognise the person in the mirror. And I don’t feel like her. And those parts want to look like themselves at the age they are, not this body.
Sorry for the pity party. I’m just feeling very….. ungrounded within myself.