So Sienna finally contacted me.

” Hi Sirena, Looks like I’ll need to print the article out for Monday. How are you? Sienna.”

I thought it was nice that she asked me how I was. But I still feel so angry. If she was having problems with the article attaching to an email.. then she could just have text me that yesterday. Instead I’ve spent the past 2 days really anxious.

I told her I hadn’t been doing well. She replied that I should keep grounding myself, this is the work and I’m doing really well.

That just pissed me off. I’m doing really well…. really? I don’t feel like i’m doing really well and I don’t need little pep talks. I don’t need vacuous cookie-cutter/hallmark responses which are bereft of any real meaning or feeling. By telling me I’m doing well, doesn’t make it so.

I sent back a pretty bitchy reply which she did not reply to. I asked her by whose/what standards am I doing well?

I don’t know what I need from her… nothing I guess. Not really. She hasn’t really done anything very wrong but I’m angry at her anyway. I’m angry that she can’t make me feel better. I’m angry that she hasn’t given me more of her time this week and I’ve felt so awful. I’m angry that I feel so desperate for her to do something to help me not feel so awful.

ugh… 😦 😦

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7 thoughts on “

  1. Andi says:

    You’re so hard on yourself. I despise when my therapists give me lame auto-responses like this. I get why they do it, but it hurts because it feels impersonal and generic. Hoping things start to feel a little better for you soon. It’s so hard when you desperately want to feel better, but nothing will help. Thinking of you.

  2. Ellen says:

    Sometimes I just wish we could have a session right when we need it, instead of later once we’ve pulled ourselves together.

    To your interaction – Sienna has no way of knowing how angry you were / are and how her actions have affected you. So to me, her responses don’t seem bad, from her point of view.

    Hope you feel better – sounds difficult.

      • Samantha Jane says:

        because it’s kinda safer that way? there’s no theat of disappointment that they can’t intuitively know how to fix things if they are not around when it happens… (not sure that makes sense, but I’m picturing a baby crying, then the parent coming and knowing from the cry what needs fixing (might be b/c I have baby on the brain a.t.m.)… T’s don’t spend as much time with us. They can know us pretty well, but still not know everything, and that’s a disappointment. It’s easier to deal with that if they are “at a safe distance” than if they are right there and disappointing…)… well, ok, that’s just my theory, and maybe only rings true for me, but thought I’d put it out there.

        Sorry you are having a rough time right now. Sounds like the lack of bonding is wearing on you… you talked about that emptiness in session 24. maybe the kid in you is trying to fill it now that it’s “noticed” again?

        you can get through this….

      • Sirena says:

        you could be right, Im not sure yet. Definitely some attachment stuff going on just not fully clear what I’m really feelings.

  3. e.Nice says:

    sorry its so hard. I can logically understand why it wasn’t that big of a deal from her perspective, but my heart hurts for what feels like total disregard for you. Hopefully this can lead to some productive discussions.

    • Sirena says:

      thanks. Yes, it wouldn’t have crossed her mind that it was botherthing me, there’s been other times she’s not sent something through and I haven’t bothered one bit, I think this week I’ve just been very fragile and sensitive to everything. Monday should be fun… :/

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