I realise I’ve dropped off from my blog a bit. I haven’t had the emotional energy to relive my last two sessions from last week. They weren’t good, I can tell you that. Monday’s session was especially awful, and I can’t even remember it to tell you why it was so awful and stupidly, I didn’t press “ record” on my phone, so I can’t even listen back.
I do know that I was angry with her on Monday, not for anything new particularly, just for everything that’s been going on lately, for feeling blamed and shut down by her in previous sessions.
Sienna said that she’d spoken to her supervisor about how I say she’s not connecting to me and she thinks and feels she’s is. And she feels she’s definitely trying to. And I feel confused about that because I don’t see how she could say and do the things she has lately and not know there’s an issue or not see that I’ve withdrawn and she hasn’t been getting through to me. How can she not know???
Her supervisor suggested that since I am extremely sensitive to any changes in Sienna, that maybe I’m picking up on some of the things going on in her life right now. Sienna asked if I wanted to hear about it?
I was in defence mode, so didn’t really feel ready for more bad news and it felt like bad news coming. But I’m also super nosy, so obviously I wanted to know what this thing is. So I nodded yes, I wanted to hear it.
So it would seem in her school job as a play therapist, they’ve asked her to take on a new role, to cover someone else. This will be for a year. So she’s going to be there full-time now. And she no longer has her private day clients, only evening ones.
She said it won’t affect me. (Which is probably why she didn’t tell me that was happening.)
But my back was up. I felt real fear about this change and I felt pissed off that she’s given up half her private practice. And I felt really sorry for the day clients she’s got rid of.
Somewhere in the session I asked rather bitchily “ So, how did your day clients feel about being dumped?”
Sienna said “ I didn’t dump them!”
And I said quickly “ I wonder if they see it that way?”
Sienna said really firmly and in a tone that told me she was angry “ SIRENA, I DID NOT DUMP THEM!”
I said sarcastically “ right, okay.” Clearly not believing her.
She sat forward, I’d obviously pushed her buttons and she bit. “ Sirena, look at me.”
“LOOK AT ME. I am not letting you away with this behaviour. I want you to look at me, because you’re being a little Madam right now.”
I shouted back at her “ No! I don’t WANT to look at you.”
So she told me in no uncertain terms that she didn’t dump her clients. That they’d all ended naturally and she’d just not taken on any new clients.
I thought to myself how convenient it was that they were all ready to end naturally just as she needed them to fuck off to make way for her shiny new job.
As it turns out, at my next session when I asked why she got so angry when I said that, she explained that she understands how damaging bad endings can be and she’d never dump her clients. She also said that she’d stopped taking new clients since Easter time and just let the ones she had run to their natural end. So, no clients were dumped or terminated.
The fact that she called me a “ little madam” makes me laugh. I don’t know why. I think partly because I was being and also I’m partly pleased to see her lose her cool a little bit. I’ve spent so long being the one pissed off and freaking out that I was glad to rattle her a little bit. And, also, I kind of like that we have that relationship that can take that sort of familiarity and calling out.
The laughs were short-lived though. Mostly my session on Thursday was painful. I told her I don’t trust her. I told her since the rupture and actually since before that, I’ve been withdrawing and she hasn’t noticed. She said she thought we’d been doing some really good work lately.
And we have. But when there’s a split of parts, I think I can put the bits I’m unhappy about to the side and do other bits of work – until the rupture a few weeks ago and nothing has been right since.
I told Sienna that I don’t trust her and I won’t be doing any more work until I can establish that trust.
I told Sienna that I need trust and safety and containment and right now I don’t feel like I have any of those things.
I cried. I felt so sad at the loss of those things from my therapy. I told Sienna how sad I am because there was a time last year where I felt so safe and contained and I trusted her so much. I felt so connected to her and that grounded me so much, even when things in therapy were bringing up a lot for me. I know the attachment work had been done, the foundations laid by lots of contact out of sessions which had served to stabilise me and reassure me.
I understand why it had to come to an end (our first huge rupture last September had been the same as this one, about taking away outside contact because Sienna needed predictability.)
But I think that’s when the little cracks started. Actually, they were huge, gaping wide cracks in my trust in her. But it seemed like by Dec/January this year, we actually had gotten over it quite well and I felt pretty close to her. The rupture had propelled us to a new level of work.
But this time, this rupture, once again taking away what little outside contact we have, through no fault of my own, it was just too much.
On top of that, she hasn’t noticed the trust dwindling and the detachment setting in. (Even though I’ve told her in email and probably in session too.)
She has just never addressed it. I feel like she’s steamed ahead with her own agenda lately. She hasn’t checked in about the issues I’ve flagged up.
I think when she involved my Dr a few months ago, the trust I had in her reduced even further and I know the teen parts, Sofia particularly is really angry about it. And It’s never been addressed properly.
And of course, Sienna taking away the texting from me triggered the abandonment wounds. It’s a really complex thing that I’ve found hard to find words for, because my deepest distress and heartbreak hasn’t been about the texting, not really.
It is and it isn’t. The trigger has been the loss I feel and the space I feel in that symbolic act of her withdrawing from me. She has chosen not to be there for me. And even though there’s good adult reason for it, all I can feel is the loss and fear and I am flooded with too much space between us and that in turn relates directly to how I felt when I couldn’t get hold of my mum as a child and I didn’t know where in the world she was and I wasn’t always allowed to phone her. So, I had to wait for visiting hours which felt like an eternity away.
Now, every time I feel the pain of Sienna’s withdrawal, I am triggered straight into a flashback.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to put that into such clear word until now. So, I’m not sure Sienna even entirely understands why I am so distressed.
I think I’ve been very dissociative for quite some time, because the past few weeks feel like a blur.
Funnily enough, it was Sienna who spotted that a new part was attending Monday’s session. She said it wasn’t Sofia, but someone new. I hadn’t noticed but I think she’s right.
The parts stopped communicating with me a few months back, and I am only aware of Sofia, who’s been around the most and Keira if I can sense her. But the rest, who were falling on top of each other in March/April to make themselves known, have all but disappeared.
I’ve felt parts move in, because I haven’t felt like “me” and I have sometimes heard them speak, but they won’t make themselves known to me and they won’t show me their memories. So, no name and no memories. It makes it very hard to work in therapy.
On Thursday, I told Sienna that the parts wouldn’t talk to me anymore. They’d gone away. She said they’d come back. And I felt annoyed because she wasn’t asking why they’d gone away or even curious as to why that might be.
Actually, 10 year old Libby came back last week and this week. She is quite distressed and wants to self-harm really badly. It’s been hard holding her emotions and not acting on them.
Libby looks pretty similar to this… except she wear a white vest that comes down to the top of her thighs, like an underwear vest little girls wear.
After Monday’s session, I took a really bad migraine which lasted all of Tuesday. I was sick three times with it. I haven’t had a migraine in years and I suspect the emotional turmoil on this rupture is taking its toll on me.
And after Thursday’s session, I felt so exhausted and bereft that I asked Sienna for a check-in on Friday morning.
She agreed to it.
On Friday morning I broke my heart on the phone. I think I was regressed. I told Sienna that I didn’t want to accept that my mum isn’t coming back for me, that no one is coming for me.
Sienna was very gentle and lovely. And she told me to get back into bed with my teddies and to cuddle in to them.
When I got off the phone from her, I didn’t go straight to bed. The grief racked my entire body, it stiffened with pain and emotion. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt bereft. So strenuous was my crying that I almost threw up. And it wasn’t until my muscles fatigued from the emotion that I suddenly got so tired that I had to climb into bed and sleep for a long time.
Later on, I felt calmer. The grief was a bit further away and I was warmed and reassured by Sienna’s willingness to talk to me in the morning. I felt a bit closer to her again and like some repair work was happening finally.
I think in part I’d had to test her promise that we could have phone check-ins instead of texting.
But also, the weekend loomed ahead and it felt like too long and too much space opening up and it was triggering me.
Something I’ve noticed this week and probably before this week too.
When Sienna told me that she’s been reducing her client load since Easter, and also that she clearly knew about this new job coming up and all the other things she does in her life that I am not privy to… well it really bothers me. I feel a sense of betrayal. That there’s all these things going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. That I’m not allowed to know. And I really hate and resent it.
It makes me feel like I really don’t know her. She is a stranger to me. I am telling my life to a stranger. I feel tricked into feeling like we have a real relationship when really, we have fuck all; An elaborate and convincing act that looks like an intimate relationship.
As I feel like this, I feel less inclined to find connection with her. Less inclined to tell her anything about my daily life.
I just feel so unattached and floaty and so at risk from just jacking this whole therapy thing in.
I am losing hope, losing confidence in her, losing interest in her and therefore lacking motivation to keep turning up and putting myself through all this pain.
Why does she get to hide so much while I am cutting my veins open and splurging my soul to her?
I feel angry and hurt and betrayed and lonely.
I daresay I should tell Sienna all this. But the fact is, I feel so guarded and mistrustful that I really don’t want to be that vulnerable.
I guess that’s more detachment?